Ultimately, I introduced him to Charmaine. I felt proud for her to see me with an intelligent, creative man. Terrence was supportive of my relationship with Charmaine as a trio, we had some good times together.
I was happy at work and in my off-hours. My relationship with Terrence grew and I realized I loved him when one morning I actually cooked for breakfast. In truth, he may have thought I hated him after that! In fact, when my sisters see me on screen playing somebody like Mama Rose in The Temptations, serving up platters of fried chicken, collard greens, and peach cobbler, they call me up: “You may be fooling the audience, Jenny, but everyone in Kinloch knows you can’t cook.” When Charmaine went to summer camp, Terrence and I ran off to Paris. Late one night, we walked through the Pigalle area. He was a little ahead of me as we climbed a small hill. Terrence stopped, turned around and he reached both his arms out to me, pulling me up the hill saying, “Come on, baby.” It was one of the most loving moments. I think that this night I felt surrounded by angels, and he was one of them.
I was becoming a woman of a certain age who was an endangered species in television and film. I felt especially grateful to have a vital career, including a schedule that allowed me to have a stable life at home with a child and a gorgeous man to love on.
My maturity did not cause a shortage of excitement and glamour in my life, though. I was thrilled to go to work on Strong Medicine every day. Tammy Ader and Whoopi Goldberg were the creators and producers. I loved and admired them both. Strong Medicine was more than good, it was making history in that it was dealing with women’s health issues honestly. Plus it featured strong women who were breaking through the barrier of patriarchy. Girl power in these streets.
I remember episodes about breast cancer, and anti-abortion protests. They even did an episode speaking to my own experience, in which my character, Lana Hawkins, became a mentor to a young girl who had come from hard times.
Terrence and I took another much-needed vacation to Europe. His mood dampened the trip for me. He was often uncomfortable about me spending money on such luxuries. He felt it somehow compromised his manhood. We went to a fireworks display, in Monaco; it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, with the music of Tchaikovsky playing in the background. I looked around and didn’t see Terrence, who had been walking with me. He was sitting on the curb with his head down. He was overwhelmed. He felt unworthy. I had built this lavish life and he was thrown into it and apparently he was drowning.
He had his insecurities, I had mine. We got tickets for The Phantom of the Opera in the West End in London. At dinner I asked, “Do you think I’m beautiful?” It was one of the few times he looked me squarely in the eyes, answering, “Jenifer, you’re so beautiful sometimes it’s hard to look at you.”
Looking to boost Terrence’s self-esteem, I got him a job on Strong Medicine. He needed the money and we stupidly thought being together night and day would strengthen our relationship. Of course, it had the opposite effect.
JOURNAL ENTRY: I feel so foolish sometimes where Terrence is concerned. He could be playing me. Am I afraid of being alone? But I can’t take being with him at work and at home. He’s got to get the fuck out of Strong Medicine, it’s killing us, I believe.
That’s what I wrote, but it is not what I told Terrence. Instead our relationship sort of limped along, both of us wanting it to work, but neither willing to admit it wasn’t. I was a bit surprised when Terrence proposed—by nearly throwing the ring at me. Suffice it to say, the moment wasn’t as romantic as I might have hoped. Ronnie was present. Terrence seemed detached during the whole thing. I was afraid to announce it to anyone. I didn’t even want to tell Charmaine.
Terrance went with me to St. Louis for Christmas that year but I think he was stressing over whether he could handle marriage or not. We were still going on and off with our bullshit. Impulsively, we ran away after Christmas to Cancun to celebrate the new millennium. We said, “If the world does end, at least we’ll be somewhere pretty and together.” It didn’t work. We fought like dogs the entire time.
As Charmaine entered her teens, everything changed. She turned into Regan from The Exorcist. We tangled—about homework, summer school, everything. She was secretive; of course I was frightened about drugs and was uncomfortable with some of the kids she hung out with. When Charmaine held a pool party while I was away, I lit into her and used the f-word over and over. I apologized profusely; I had been abusive and I was truly sorry. I felt even worse the next morning, when I had to leave Charmaine in order to fly to Florida to join Bette Midler and Kirsten Dunst at a campaign rally for John Kerry, the Democratic nominee for president. While in Florida, I got the call that my cousin Ronnie was in a coma in a hospital in St. Louis. I rushed home to sit by Ronnie’s side and hold his hand. Though he could not hear me, I thanked him for helping me raise Charmaine and told him how much we loved him. I hugged him and whispered in his ear, “You go on to sleep now, baby, if you want to. But hold on a minute, Ronnie, my hair looks like shit!” I knew he was laughing inside.
My dear, talented, sweet cousin passed away. Shame had prevented him from speaking about his illness and from getting treatment. Once again, I had witnessed how secrets destroy lives.
To help Charmaine, and myself, recover from Ronnie’s death, we took a short trip to Hawaii. I wanted to show Charmaine that I trusted her, so I gave her freedom there to stay out late if she wanted. I was nervous though, and pretended to be asleep when she came home a little too late for my taste. (She still claims she was sooo not late!)
I received a call while in Hawaii that the role I wanted in Lackawanna Blues had gone to my friend S. Epatha Merkerson, who turned in a brilliant performance. When I got home, Glory Hallelujah, I was offered five movies, including Nora’s Hair Salon, The Cookout, and Antwone Fisher.
In Charmaine’s junior year of high school, she got herself into a not-so-good relationship with a pretty white boy. She was in emotional pain for nearly a year but couldn’t find the strength to end it. To get Charmaine’s mind on other things, I snatched her up and took her to Italy. This was the first time I’d taken her to a foreign country and maybe I was a little too protective. She was 18 now and I had to let my baby girl grow up. Damn.