“Yes,” I whispered.
We stopped to breathe, my face resting in the nook of his neck. We were so close. I could feel his soul next to me, and the seed of sweetness flowered within me.
He brushed my hair aside. “What are we going to do now?”
I squeezed his hand. “You have a safe journey tomorrow.”
His arms circled me tight.
“We don’t have a choice, Pheasant.”
His grip became tighter. I let him hold me, my eyes closed. I would want nothing more than to rest with him and stay with him, but that was not a fate we could have. Slowly, I pried open his fingers, one by one, and I took his hand off my waist. I picked up my clothing and dressed.
“I’ll talk to my brother, Prince Wei. He’ll look after you when I’m gone.” He stood beside me.
“I’ll be fine.” I slipped off the bench and froze.
“What’s wrong?”
“I…” I could not finish the sentence, my heart pounding with joy. “Look, look!”
We both looked down. A carpet of luminous light veiled the ground. There was nothing else there, except for the dark tip of my clogs poking under my long skirt.
“I’m standing!” I held on to Pheasant’s shoulders. “I’m on my feet again. I feel my feet!” A wave of painful sensation struck my feet and legs, and I wobbled. “Do you see that? The Captain was wrong!” My knees gave way, and I lurched forward.
Pheasant caught me. “I knew it!” His face beamed with such brilliance and happiness, as if he were the one regaining his strength. “I told you he was crazy. Do you believe me now?”
Joy radiated through my limbs. “Yes, I believe you.” Gazing at him, I cupped his chin with my two hands. “Always.”
He lowered his head. Lingeringly, we kissed.
Somewhere, a night bird cooed. Its soft lilt echoed in the darkness and settled in my heart like a nest.
I wished to stay there a bit longer. I wished the night would never end. But then came the servants’ voices, brusque and strident, tearing the night’s silence. I gave Pheasant one last glance and limped away.
AD 644
the Eighteenth Year of Emperor Taizong’s Reign of Peaceful Prospect
AUTUMN
34
I often thought of that night as the night my life was forever altered, and I also realized I was a terrible student. I had memorized Sun Tzu’s lines of how to succeed in the Nine Situations, how to attack by fire and water, how to cultivate tactical dispositions, and how to use spies to excavate the enemy’s deep secrets. But I had failed, tragically, to understand myself.
Yet I did not have regrets, and if Father had been alive, I would have knelt before him and begged for his forgiveness. I could not fulfill his wish, no matter how splendid the vision was, and no matter how perfectly my destiny had been designed. I was only an ordinary woman, saddled by an ordinary woman’s weaknesses and tears.
I knew now: love and destiny were two wild horses that could not be curbed. They galloped in different directions and ran down different paths where streams of desire and hope would not converge. To follow one was to betray the other. To make one happy was to break the other’s heart. Yet I supposed that was part of life, a lesson we had to learn. To grow up was also to give up, and to build the future was to dissolve the past. The only thing we could do was hope for the best, to believe that the horse we chose would find us a safe destination.
? ? ?
On the surface, everything remained the same. I tended the wardrobe chamber, gave instructions to my helpers who delivered the garments, and slept on the mat in the Emperor’s chamber with Plum, Daisy, and the other Talents on our nights. On occasion, I followed the Emperor to the Audience Hall. He did not dismiss or scold me.
But something had changed. He strolled past me as if I did not exist. His gaze swept the faces of the attendants, but he did not see me. When he ordered wine, he never turned in my direction as I bowed to present my tray. He did not call me to keep him company when he sat alone in the ring of candles. It seemed he had banished me to an invisible corner where he would not set his sight.
After the New Year, I would be nineteen, but I had ruined the chance of a lifetime.
Sometimes, I wondered what would have happened if I had not run after Pheasant. I also wondered what would have happened if I had never met Pheasant or fallen in love with him in the first place. I would perhaps have become Most Adored a long time ago.