Sometime later, the Tibetans danced on the field. They had won. The Emperor walked to them, followed by the ministers. Their heads lowered, the ministers looked grim, and hard as they tried, they could not hide the fear on their faces.
It was time for the feast. The men exited the field, heading to the banquet hall. The Ladies and Jewel left as well. I lowered my head and lined up behind the Talents. When I passed the bloody smudge in the field, I could not help but look away, and there I caught the sight of the Emperor ahead of the procession. He seemed benevolent, smiling, but his gaze no longer warmed me; instead, it stabbed me like an icicle, and long after his disappearance, the iciness chilled my heart.
20
I was not requested to attend the banquet after the polo game. Jewel took my place, sitting next to the Emperor and receiving the vassals’ fealty. I lingered in the courtyard outside, listening to the people feasting and drinking.
I returned to my bedchamber alone.
In the days after, I settled back into my routine. The servants passed me without greeting. The Beauties and Graces walked by me without turning their heads. Occasionally, some people peered at me with contemptuous smiles.
There was no meat in my meals. I ladled the bland yellow bean soup, ate a shallow bowl of millet porridge, and chewed pickled radish. I could not taste anything.
News came to me that the Emperor had arranged a marriage between a princess and the Tibetan king Srongtsan Gampo after the polo game, and the vassals also appeared obedient. They rallied behind the Emperor as he launched an attack against the King of Gaochang, while the Tibetan king’s army cut off the Western Turks as they tried to aid their ally. The King of Gaochang died on the battlefield, the Western Turks retreated, and the border appeared to be quiet again.
Plum told me the girl who was sacrificed had belonged to the Rourou tribe from the northwest region. She had been captured as a child, fed only milk, and thus considered pure. Because she also had rare green eyes and pale skin, she made a much prized pleasure toy whom the Emperor kept for years. But the fact that he would discard her like that frightened me.
I had never before felt like that, fear seeping into my skin and drilling into my bones. What if the Emperor wanted to throw me under the horse’s hooves? I thought of Mother, who would not know what had happened to me. She would still call for me, not knowing I could not hear, not knowing my ears rotted under the ground. Or perhaps, she would raise her head, her eyes filled with love, searching for me, unaware that my hands no longer felt the breeze and my bones had turned to dust.
Or worse, he would make my family, Mother or Big Sister, suffer such a death too.
I tried not to think like that. But the saying was right: “Accompanying an emperor is like accompanying a tiger.” I never wanted to be near him again.
And yet, how could I stay away? My family, and their future, depended on me.
? ? ?
“You’re late.” Under the starlit sky, Pheasant appeared, treading on the path of wild grass near the pavilion.
“You’re early.” I smiled.
How good it was to see him. The night garden felt like a home, with the glittering sky for the ceiling, the bushes our rug, and the dilapidated pavilion our bed. Pheasant lit up the place like a heartwarming hearth fire. He was the walls of my sanctuary, the food for my eyes, the scent of a home. He was everything. I wanted to stay there, with him, for eternity.
“I’ve been thinking of you.” He pulled me close in his arms. “What a horrifying game.”
“Were you there?”
“At a distance. He wasn’t always like this, I hope you know. He changed after my mother’s death.”
We went to sit on the low windowsill of the pavilion. “Did he love your mother?” Many people had said they loved each other, and Empress Wende was a wise woman, a subject of court ministers’ praises.
He shook his head. “They had disagreements.”
“About what?”
Pheasant swallowed. “My mother did not agree with some things he did to his brothers… I don’t know what happened, but Mother mentioned them sometimes. She never said anything to his face, however…but when he was not around, she would let us play in yurts and ask us to put on Turkic clothing, and she would sing us Turkic songs. She believed my father owed this kingdom to her.”
Empress Wende was a prominent descendant of a Xiongnu tribe, one of the nomads in the north. She was perhaps right that the Emperor owed his kingdom to her. But she was still the Empress of our kingdom. To openly declare and worship her own heritage was scandalous and would certainly have undermined the Emperor’s rule over the Han people. But the Emperor’s own mother, in fact, was also a member of a nomadic tribe, although the Emperor did not allow anyone to mention it.
“Father also kept too many concubines. Mother was not happy with that either, and there was one particular concubine… She did not like the way he treated her… But Mother died…”