I jumped, startled, dropping the spade, then scrambled for it again in some crazy idea it would serve as a weapon.
“I’m sorry, Hannah. I took a chance on finding you home. I hope you don’t mind.”
Spencer. Why? I asked the question silently.
“How did you know I was back here?”
He shrugged and smiled softly. “I knocked on the door. I was about to leave when I heard you singing.”
I frowned. “Singing?”
He nodded. “Quietly singing. You have a nice voice. I didn’t know.”
“How is your son?”
“He’ll come home this afternoon. The fracture was clean. They expect him to heal well.” He shook his head. “Youth. It’s prone to getting hurt, but it’s also good for healing.”
Finally, I smiled. “That’s true.”
“How have you been?”
I stood, pulled off my gloves, and gestured toward the patio. “Would you like to sit?”
“I can’t stay,” he said. “Maybe for a minute.”
“Glass of tea?”
He drew in a deep breath. “Are you sure?”
“It’s a glass of iced tea, Spencer.”
“Then yes. Thank you.”
“I’ll be right back. Have a seat.”
I paused in the kitchen to recoup my calm. His obvious unease gave me some confidence. I took two glasses from the cabinet, poured the tea over ice, and sliced a few lemon wedges. I carried it back out. He was still there. I almost laughed. What had I thought? That he might run away? But then, he had before, hadn’t he?
He rose to his feet when I reappeared and held the door open for me. I set the tray on the table, and we both sat, took our tea, and then I waited to find out why he was here.
Spencer took a sip, cleared his throat, then said, “I was surprised to see you at the hospital last night.”
I smiled and waited.
“I mean, it never occurred to me Ellen was your daughter. She’s a sweet girl. Smart. Beautiful. My son is . . . has a crush on her.” He looked away, shrugged, and turned back to face me. “Reminds me of us.”
“That was long, long ago. Different times, different people.”
“I guess you’re right. I hope you don’t mind if I skip the small talk?”
“Please do.”
“Is there a problem with Braden and Ellen dating?”
My smile vanished. I waited.
“My mother told me long after the fact that you came to the house looking for me. She said you were pregnant.”
I might’ve expected to feel distress, hurt, or maybe embarrassment. In the hospital the previous night, I’d been caught off guard. Now, though, with a cold calculation that surprised me, I ran my finger around the bottom edge of my glass. The condensation was already building up. With an icy, controlled anger, I set the glass carefully on the table.
“That was a very difficult time for me.”
His face turned maroon. “I’m sorry, Hannah. I made some bad choices back then. For a while after that, too. I—”
“Ellen isn’t your daughter.”
“But . . . I mean I saw her birthday was . . . Braden mentioned her birthday, and I realized—”
“You thought you and I had a child together? There’s been a lot of years between then and now, and I’m only just hearing from you?”
He shook his head. “Wait a minute.”
I met his eyes ruthlessly, but I kept my tone cool and civil. “You aren’t her father. I went to your house. I didn’t tell your mother I was pregnant with your child. That was her conjecture.”
“I—”
I interrupted, speaking as I stood. “I give you credit for not wanting your son to date his half sister, but I assure you the genetic pool is safe, and there’s no legal or moral complexity here. We’re good.”
He stood. “I’m sorry, Hannah. I knew this would be awkward. I’ve handled it badly.”
“I wish you well, Spencer, and I hope Braden has a swift and full recovery. Please give my regards to your mother.” I held up my hand. “I do have one request.”
“What’s that?”
“I would appreciate it if you would encourage our children not to spend time together. Not because they are related, but because they both have plans for the future, separate futures, and I wouldn’t want to see those plans sidetracked or interrupted.”
He stared at me. “I understand.”
“Well, then, I’d better get back to my tasks.”
He waved his arms a bit, trying to work up something—I didn’t know what. Courage certainly wasn’t required. I couldn’t offer him forgiveness. What would I forgive him for? I’d informed him he wasn’t the father, right? And he wasn’t. I was pretty sure I’d managed to avoid any specific lies. Small comfort. My intent and my honesty were very distant cousins here. I wanted him to leave.
“I’m sorry I offended you. I really did have feelings for you, I hope you know that. Any errors I made were due to immaturity and selfishness. I hope you believe me.”
“I do. We both made mistakes when we were young, and we’re bound to make a few more before we’re done living. I want our children to get off to a good start. Maybe avoid some of our mistakes.”
Spencer nodded. “I understand and I agree.” He looked like he was considering offering me a hand or a hug. Instead, he pressed his hands together and said, “Take care, Hannah. Thanks for talking to me.”
He walked away. I waited as he disappeared around the corner of the house. I was proud that I’d held it together.
I picked up my gloves from the table and knelt again in the garden. What had I expected? Potentially far worse. So that was good, right? I’d done well. But it didn’t feel like I had. There’d been a tiny voice screaming in my head, yelling that I’d carried his baby. I would’ve been alone if not for Gran’s help, and I’d given birth to his child and loved her with all my being. The tiny body had been buried, but the essence of that child, the memory, the feel and the smell of her were still bound fast in my heart. Even if I could have, I wasn’t willing to share that with him. The memory, the feelings were mine alone. He had no place there.
The garden earth was rich and damp. I dug in my fingers, then realized I’d forgotten to put on my gloves. The soil sifted through my bare fingers and fell back to the ground. A tear fell, too. A single tear that hit my hand with force.
Someone moaned. I thought it was probably me.
The icy anger inside began to melt, setting loose the memories. This time I was powerless against them. I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned forward, eyes closed. Soon I was rocking back and forth. I was back on that porch caught in the fierce grip of old pain. And I gave myself up to it.
CHAPTER TEN