Erik sat down on the steps. He didn’t beckon to James, but made his body language inviting. James came closer and took a seat on the bottom step, wiping his wet face. He felt in his pockets absently. “I forgot my smokes.”
Erik went back inside and got the communal pack of cigarettes and lighter from the kitchen window ledge. Just in case this went long, he lit a burner on the stove and pushed the teakettle onto it.
Outside again, he gave James a cigarette and took one for himself.
“You don’t smoke,” James said.
“I save it for special occasions.” And it levels the playing field, he thought. Come sit and share a bad habit. We’ll be as one in the same vice.
James closed his eyes as he pulled in the first drag, distilling the hit of nicotine. He exhaled a cloud. “I don’t know what to do.”
“You can’t come prowling around here at night. It doesn’t help to scare the shit out of Lucky and piss her off.”
“I know. But Will won’t talk to me.”
“Look, I know you care about him a lot—”
“I am in love with him, Fish, you don’t understand.”
“—but you can’t… I do understand.”
“You don’t,” James said, his eyes flaring. “You’re a baby, Fish. Yeah, your old man left, but so what? You grew up loved. You had a solid foundation to walk on. Now you live a fucking fairytale with Daisy and you tell me you understand? You never got beat up and abused for loving who you loved. You never got chewed up and spit out. You never had your heart broken. Wait until you lose Daisy one day then you come tell me you understand, all right?”
Erik kept his face neutral. He closed his heart and his pores, letting James’s words bead up on him but not penetrate. James was angry and ranting. Erik was a convenient target.
“I’m sorry,” James said, rubbing his forehead. “I’m sorry, I just…”
“It’s all right. You’re hurting. I know I don’t understand completely but I know what you’re feeling is real.”
James took a few more drags, exhaling raggedly. Tears tracked down his face and he made no move to wipe them away. “Thanks for coming outside.”
“No problem.”
“I always liked you, Fish. You don’t pretend to be something you’re not.”
“You think Will is pretending?”
“Don’t you?”
Erik shook his head. “He loves who he loves.”
James looked at him, squinting through smoke. “I think you’re the only man he loves.”
“Well, I don’t know about that.”
“I do. You’re good, Fish. I know you’re pissed at me for letting Daisy get hurt and I don’t blame you. You had no reason to come out here but you did. You’re one of the most decent human beings I’ve ever met. And forgive me for saying this, but your old man’s an asshole and he doesn’t deserve you for a son anyway.”
Now Erik’s eyebrows flew up in surprise. “Damn, James. Heavy shit.”
“Well, it’s true shit.” James stubbed out his cigarette beneath the toe of his boot. He reached behind his head and drew out the ball chain with his sister’s dog tags. Erik could see his hands trembling. It took him a minute but he slid off the flattened penny and held it out to Erik. “I want you to have this.”
“No.”
“Take it.”
“This is yours, James. It’s your… No.”
“Please. You gave me the best of you tonight. This is the best of me.”
Catering to the moment, Erik took the shining copper oblong and put it in the pocket of his sweatpants. He wouldn’t keep it but he’d accept the gesture tonight. Hold it a few days and then return it once James realized the foolish drama of it. He’d keep the sentiment, not the token.
“I feel better knowing I’ll be in your pocket,” James said. “And I don’t mean that in a gay way.”
Erik smiled. From inside he heard the whistle of the teakettle. “You want a drink?”
“No.”
“Need a lift back to campus?”
“No, no. I’ve already bothered you enough. I’ll go away now.”
James stood up and Erik did likewise, stubbing out his own cigarette.
“Thanks, Fish.” James held out a formal hand and Erik shook it.
“You’re safe?”