I fell down on my knees. The memories played over and over again in my head. I was suffocating and I brought my hands up to my throat, rubbing up and down forcefully.
My stomach cramped as I gasped for air. The pressure in my heart was painful. My lungs squeezed tightly together and I pressed a hand to my burning chest, trying hard to alleviate the pain. But nothing worked.
It never worked.
My pain was constant.
I had lived with it for twenty-two years. I should have been accustomed to it by now, but every time, it was worse. The pain never ceased. I was chained to my past.
Holding the side of the piano, I laid my head on it as the tears fell down my cheeks. I couldn’t stop them. They fell freely and I squeezed my burning eyes tightly.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. So sorry,” I whispered through a broken voice.
Chapter 26
Ayla
Maddie squealed beside me. “Oh my God! This is hilarious!” She turned toward me, still chuckling. “You have to admit, this one was pretty funny.”
I shrugged and turned back toward the movie. We were watching Hangover 2. It was too vulgar for my taste.
Although I did find my stomach cramping from laughter when a man found out he had sex with another man whom he thought was a woman. I shivered when the truth was revealed. Too much nudity.
Maddie eventually paused the movie and turned toward me.
“Okay. What do you want to watch? You clearly aren’t enjoying this. C’mon, pick something funny and we will watch it,” she suggested.
Since my nightmare last night and my encounter with Alessio this morning, I had been a little down and quiet. I was constantly living in fear.
Maddie noticed and she made it her job to make my day brighter. She succeeded a couple of times. It was hard not to laugh at her enthusiasms and failed attempts. She embarrassed herself to make me laugh. And I was thankful for that.
“It’s pretty late,” I started and then smiled. “I think we should go to bed. I’m worn out.”
Maddie pouted and leaned against the arm of the couch. “But I barely even got you to laugh.”
“And that’s where you are wrong. You made me laugh at least five times and that’s amazing in my book. You made my day better, Maddie,” I said softly. Placing my hand on her knee, I gave it a squeeze.
“Are you going to talk to me?” she replied, her tone just as soft and inviting.
I wanted to. I wanted to tell her. It was tempting, but the fear instilled in me, it stopped me from taking a step toward that direction.
So, I shook my head sadly before looking down. “It’s okay,” Maddie murmured before wrapping her arms around me. “You can tell me when you are ready.”
Hugging her back, I nodded and then leaned back. She smiled and I felt my lips stretch into another smile.
We got up and made our way to the kitchen. Turning on the lights, she rummaged through the refrigerator and took out the poutine that Lena made for dessert.
“You want some?” Maddie asked as she closed the refrigerator.
I shook my head and she shrugged. Putting a spoonful in her mouth, she mumbled, “Let’s go.”
Maddie and I were about to say goodnight when we heard a door open. We both swiveled around and saw Alessio coming out of the gym.
My eyes widened and my body froze when he approached into the light.
Alessio wasn’t wearing his full suit. Instead he had his black linen shirt on, which was halfway unbuttoned and his sleeves were rolled up to his elbows. But that wasn’t what surprised me.
He was a mess. A bloody mess. There were cuts on his face and his cheeks were swollen. His left eye was slightly swollen too and his lips were bleeding. He was limping, his body sagging forward.
“Oh my God,” Maddie gasped.
He looked lost, deep in thoughts. He held on to the banister and slowly made his way upstairs, his legs dragging. Pain was evident on his face and in his posture.
My forehead creased in confusion and I turned to Maddie. Her eyes were no longer on Alessio but she was staring at the gym door.
“I don’t want know how the other guys look,” she whispered, her eyes wide. As soon as the words were out of her mouth, the door opened and they stepped out.
This time I was the one who gasped. They looked even worse. Maddie rushed forward and I quickly followed.
“What happened?” she asked, horrified.
“Fuck,” Viktor said, rubbing his hand over his face tiredly but he winced when his hand made contact with his face.
“Alfredo is dead,” Nikolay replied, his voice as deadly as ever.
At his words, my breath came out in a whoosh. It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach.
My mind twirled, my vision going slightly blurry. I blinked and gasped, my hand going to my neck as I started to rub up and down.
“What?” I whispered, my voice so little that it was barely audible.
“Alfredo is dead,” Nikolay repeated before closing his eyes with a tired sigh.
My father was dead.
I brought a shaky hand to my mouth as I tried to keep the tears at bay. I didn’t know why I was crying. Tears blinded my vision and I closed my eyes, trying to make them go away.
“Alessio isn’t taking it so well. Hell, I’m not taking it well! This was supposed to be our revenge,” Viktor hissed.
“Oh, dear,” Maddie whispered beside me. “He is doing badly, then?”
“Pretty bad,” Phoenix said.
They were leaning against the wall, all of them deep in thought. But the anger on their faces couldn’t be mistaken.
“You should go clean up. Alessio can’t have you losing it too,” Maddie suggested.
“I should go,” I whispered. My heart was thumping fast against my chest and I had to get out of there. They couldn’t see me break down.
I nodded at Maddie and quickly walked away before they could reply. Closing my door, I leaned against it and sank down to my butt. Pulling my knees together, I placed my head on them and tried to breathe.
My eyes burned with unshed tears and my quiet gasps filled the silent dark room. There should have not been any tears. Not for my father, a man who gave me to a monster and turned a blind eye to my pain. But still, I couldn’t stop the tears.
My chest squeezed tight with pain and the tears fell freely down my cheeks. I cried for him and for the pain he caused me.
I cried for the love I could have had but never experienced because of him. In the end, I cried for me.
He took my peace, my freedom, my everything. Even though I should have hated him, I didn’t.
I just felt sad. I felt empty. Hollow. Weak.
Eventually, I found myself in bed. I stared into the distance, only the lamp on my nightstand was on, casting a soft glow around the room.
I didn’t know how long I stayed like that, but I couldn’t bring myself to close my eyes. I thought of my father and Alberto. I was scared of the nightmares.