He blinked rapidly, like the answer was only obvious. “Of course.”
He reached across the seat and laid his hand on mine. With his thumb swirling soft circles across my skin, it would be difficult to say no to anything he proposed. I sighed and closed my eyes, enjoying the wave of relaxation that rippled through me at Xavier’s touch.
It occurred to me the driver was only a couple feet away. There was no way he hadn’t heard everything Xavier and I had just said. The thought made a round of laughter burst from my lips. I opened my eyes to see Xavier looking at me in pleasure.
“That’s better.”
I quelled the laughter and nodded my head toward the front seat. I didn’t have to say anything. Xavier understood what I was getting at, though he didn’t seem perturbed at all over the thought of someone listening in on our conversation. He lifted a shoulder and smiled like it was no big deal at all.
I blinked my eyes to dry up the tears that were starting to collect there. “I understand what you’re doing. And thank you. It’s just that your methods are a little… harsh.”
Xavier dropped his head back and looked at the roof. “I’m not going to agree with you.”
“I see that. How about we agree to disagree for now, and talk about it more in the future?”
“I can adhere to that.”
“Good.” I squeezed his hand. He winced at my touch. Confused, I looked down just as we passed a pool of light. There was a bruising on his knuckles that I hadn’t noticed before. “What happened?”
“With what?”
“Your hand. It’s all bruised.”
“Oh.” He drew his hand away from mine and held it up for inspection. “I didn’t notice.”
“You didn’t feel it? How did it happen?”
“I was boxing the other day. At the gym. I missed the punching bag and hit the wall. It happens sometimes.”
“Ouch.”
He retracted his hand even further and massaged the top of it. “It comes with the territory.” He leaned down and looked out the window. “We’re almost there. Are you hungry? Did you eat dinner?”
“Yeah, but it was hours ago.”
“I’ll order you something and have it delivered. What are you in the mood for?”
I shrugged. For some reason, I couldn’t get his bruised knuckles off my mind. Him saying he didn’t feel them seemed like it had to be a lie. How could you punch a wall and then just forget about it?
“Riley.”
“Uh-huh?”
“You’re capable of making decisions. Remember?”
I smirked. “Chinese. I want Chinese.”
Xavier’s mouth broke into a full smile as the car came to a stop in front of his building. “Excellent choice.”
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Xavier
The darkness seemed to move along the ceiling, ebbing and flowing, then transforming and taking on animalistic shapes. I turned away from it and faced my bedside clock. Five past one. Next to me, Riley slept peacefully on her side, the sheet slipped down to reveal her bare back. I watched her shoulder rise and fall, the movement so slight it was barely noticeable.
I had planned to wait to contact her until Friday, but I couldn’t hold out any longer. I needed to touch her, to feel her soft flesh against mine. I needed to know she was all right. The text about the watch had been partly a ruse. I did lose my watch, but I didn’t give a fuck about where it might be. I had half a dozen more sitting in my walk-in closet.
I didn’t know what I was thinking when I called my driver and had him take me over to Crumbs. I wasn’t thinking. That was the answer. I was just going crazy. I’d needed to set my eyes on Riley before I completely went off the deep end.
This wasn’t me. I’d turned into a man I didn’t recognize. Every moment of my life had been about control. It began early on, when I was a small child. I’d looked around myself, saw the adults near me going about their lives without any hold over their own behaviors, and vowed I would never be like them. I would understand my impulses. I would contain them. I would pursue only things that were of real help to me. Even though, as a kid, I didn’t have the words to articulate this to myself, I’d still felt the real desire being born in me. I would be better than what I saw, and no one would stop me.
And now I’d failed. I’d let my goals take a backseat to a fling with a woman. No permanent harm had been done yet, but I could see it coming. It wouldn’t be long before my work would begin to suffer. Soon, I’d wake up one day and find myself part of a couple. There would be no more me anymore. The Xavier who made his own decisions and did what he wanted, when he wanted to, would be gone.
Fear burst through me. I tossed the sheet off and grabbed my boxers. Yanking them on, I quickly left the bedroom. I needed to hear someone else talk. The voices in my own head were driving me insane.
Taking my phone from where I left it in the foyer, I went into the dining room, which was the area most removed from the master bedroom. I knew a number of people who were probably awake, but I wasn’t in the mood to shoot the shit with Julian or another friend. They would want to know exactly why I was calling so late.
That left only one person. And it was good timing, too, because I hadn’t talked to my mother in over a month.
I dialed her number and listened to the rings. Night owl tendencies must be genetic because, like me, my mom rarely went to sleep before two in the morning.
“Hey, doll,” came her sudden answer.
The old nickname made my chest ache, and not in a good way. It reminded me of my childhood, a time which should mostly have been erased from my mind.
“Hi, Mom. How are you?”
“Good, good,” she drawled in her South Carolina accent. “How’s the big city?”
“I wouldn’t know. I don’t get out much, unless I’m going to work.”
“How’s Julian?”
“He’s good.” I paused. She didn’t pick up the conversation. There was an elephant in the room. It was the one thing I always, without exception, brought up in our rare conversations. “What’s going on with Dad?”
The last word felt wrong on my tongue. Dad. That was supposed to be a sweet word. An endearing one. For me, it wasn’t, and it never would be. It came with far too many negative associations.
“The plant laid him off.”
“Laid him off or fired him?”
She didn’t like that. I could tell by her silence. I pressed back the curse before it left my lips. Not even one minute into the conversation and I already knew not a damn thing had changed back home.
I couldn’t be nice anymore. I had to say what was on my mind. “Did he show up to work drunk again? Is that why they let him go?”
“He’s stressed out, Xavier,” she said sharply. “You know about his heart condition.”
“Yeah, I know that it’s missing and that he probably did that to himself. It’s called karma.”
Her harsh exhale rumbled over the line. “When are you going to—?”
“When are you going to leave?” I interrupted.