“It will be okay, honey.”
“We don’t know that at all. Life changes course so quickly, but we also know that there’s so much more ahead we haven’t seen yet. I don’t want to miss it. I want you there with me, fully aware and supportive. I don’t know how I could get through it if I thought you weren’t going to be there.”
“I’ll always be here, Auggie. You don’t need to worry about that.”
I bit my lip. “There’s something else I’ve been thinking about.”
“What’s that?”
“I want to retire.”
His eyes grew wide. “Retire?”
“Yes. The farm is starting to be too much. Mark will begin home schooling soon, but we don’t yet know when he’ll graduate or what he will want to do after that. Marga is off to college next year, and I heard her mention to a friend that she’d like to study in France.”
“France?”
“I know… I know… probably one of her whims, but actually it wouldn’t be a bad idea for her to go abroad for a year just to know what the world is like outside of Kentucky. Would look better on her resume too.” I smiled. “Believe me, she can use help with her resume. You’ll probably have to buy her way into a school. But, the fact remains that I’m starting to feel that I’d like to do something else for a change.”
“Like what?”
“Like nothing, like be with you. With our children. Maybe, when Mark is better even travel a bit?”
Worth nodded. “Have been thinking the same thing myself, actually. Ever since I saw those pictures from Hawk and Liane’s honeymoon.”
I held my breath. That was the first time he’d mentioned that day, and he’d actually used Hawk’s name without contempt. I could hardly believe my ears. “See? I would too. I’ve always wanted to see the British Isles. Liane makes them sound so charming. I’d like to visit New Zealand and Australia and perhaps a bit of Germany and France. Maybe we could take everyone after the baby is born, and then get Margo settled in France when she’s ready.”
He was sitting forward in his chair. I could tell the idea intrigued him. It represented a new sort of life for him. We both needed that so badly, especially now. We needed family.
“What about the farm?” he asked.
“Well, that’s the other part of what I was thinking about. You know Lily and Brandon are getting married, right?” He nodded. “Obviously, they’re going to be intent on making a family and Lily won’t be staying on as farm manager. That means it will all be back in my lap. I don’t want all that responsibility. I’m worn out with it.”
“So, what do you want to do?” He was genuinely interested, judging by his tone. I heard the difference in his voice. He was mentally invested in my plans. That hadn’t happened before.
“I’m not completely sure yet. We could sell it, or I could simply hire a new manager to replace Lily when that time comes.” I looked at him through my lashes. “What do you think?”
“I have a better idea.”
I held my breath, letting him continue. I looked at him with anticipation on my face, letting him believe that I’d not thought any further. It was important that he be leading this party.
“Give it to Hawk.”
“Hawk?” I almost jumped up from my seat in joy. Now he was in the position of advocate for the very person I’d wanted to give it to anyway.
“Well, why not? He can handle the farm, he’s next door and building a new house. He can look over all this land and run it as easily as his place alone. He’s having a child, and that child should be able to know he or she comes from something that was built with family blood and sweat. Maybe deed him everything but this house and a hundred or so acres for our personal use. That way we’ll still be close enough for you to bounce your grandchild on your lap.”
“Worth, what a wonderful idea! I love it.” I praised him, really, authentically praised him. I’d hoped for this outcome but hadn’t really believed it would occur. At that moment, I realized that when it came to adulation, his professional side shut down. He was not the least bit suspicious. I’d used Ben’s advice and ended up precisely where I wanted to be. Just by being the loving wife he needed.
“How about your clinic? Do you think you might want to retire?”
“I’ll have to give that some thought. I could let Deborah run this one, but I don’t think I’m ready to retire completely. A little too young for that.”
“True. Maybe we’ll take some time off and stumble across something entirely new that the two of us can do together. Or all of us as a family. You never know.”
“No, you never know.”
Letty’s announcement that dinner was ready couldn’t have come at a better time. “I think we’ll eat on the patio, Letty.”
In typical Letty style, she responded, “Well, I’m not carrying everything out there after I’ve set the table in here. Get your plate, fill it up and eat wherever you want, I don’t care.” I really loved her sass. It was like having a mother in the house.
Worth was quite cheerful that evening. We played a few hands of cribbage, and he talked about places we could visit that would be handicap and baby accessible. He seemed as if a bit of life had been restored. I would have to give Ben an extra hug the next time I saw him. I couldn’t believe the answer had been there all the time, right in my control, and I hadn’t seen it. I was a better supporter to the horses I raised than to my own family.
I decided not to say anything to Hawk about giving them the farm. I would leave that up to Worth, let him make it his idea and do it in his own good time. It would be better that way. I would however, ask him not to say anything until after Lily’s wedding. I didn’t want her to think I was pushing her out. I knew that at some point in the interim, she would be coming to me with her resignation. It would be easier on both of us if we knew she wasn’t letting me down.
CHAPTER TWENTY SIX
Worth
Guilt was like a needle under my skin, pricking me constantly, taking over my entire life.
I’d failed my family – completely, totally, miserably. And I didn’t know how to make it right.
So I threw myself into work, as always. I was also throwing myself into the bottle more and more. It was my bed fellow. My only chance of a good night’s sleep. My only source of oblivion.
Until this week.
It had been eight days since Auggie broached the subject of selling the farm and I’d given it a great deal of thought since our discussion. I broke down and called Brandon, asking him to begin the process of splitting up the land and deeding it to Hawk. I hadn’t decided when to offer it to him. Perhaps in December for Christmas or January in honor of the new baby. Or maybe just on a random Thursday, so it didn’t look so much like a gift.