There was a facility outside Lexington that was reserved for youth. I was afraid for his safety. The boys there were all problem children, some of whom had murdered. Ford was a novice, an innocent and unless they kept him separate from the general population, he would eventually have a confrontation. I only hoped they kept him with gentler patients, but I had no control over this.
I’d tried to reason with the judge. I’d offered to build a special building where Ford could be watched 24/7 by personnel and taken care of by a nursing staff. The judge, who had been one of my father’s victims, refused and I was stuck with his opinion.
I brought Auggie and the babies back in late April. There was no joy in this trip, in the progress on our new house or in the fact that it was springtime and Derby was upon us. I knew that she drove to the youth home at least twice a week and sat outside, hoping to catch a glimpse of him through a barred window. Social workers were in charge and they said they thought it best if we not visit him for a while. It seemed he was harboring a great deal of hatred for us. How do you deal with that? How do you justify when your own child hates you?
There was nothing to do but to concentrate on the little ones. They were growing rapidly and keeping Auggie busy. I had my other things to attend to, and the time I had left, I spent with Auggie and the babies.
Moving day was set for mid-summer. Walter and Mother had come up and we were going to do it all at the same time. The houses were beautiful; Beverly had out done herself. There was little joy in it though. If felt more like we were seeking shelter from a storm that may never end. In some ways, it felt like the end of the world.
We settled in and lived as nomads. Our hearts simply weren’t into any of it. I went to my clinic mechanically and pretty much let Tyler Peterson have full reins over the foundation. Auggie seemed to slump when she walked and no longer laughed or smiled. The only smiles were those of the twins and although they were infectious, eventually even they were too discouraged by the lack of response. We were all being held hostage by a mental illness we could neither diagnose or treat, much less cure.
Auggie and I made love, but it was a very strange, emotionally void engagement. We both felt as though we deserved no joy and yet we clung to one another in desperation to find something to be happy about. I finally got a colleague of mine from Boston to fly down and talk with us.
We spent the afternoon with Dr. Roger Benson, who was very highly respected in his field. We shared with him our situation with Ford and while he wasn’t there to see our son, he did express some opinions that I would make a point of following up on with Ford’s therapists.
He looked at the joyless faces of Auggie and myself, clucked his tongue and got right to the point. “This may sting a bit, but you need to hear it. You’re letting this wear you down and you will eventually fall into a depression that could be dangerous for not only you but the rest of your family. Your son is ill, as much as if he had a cancer. Time will tell if he is to be helped, but you cannot allow yourself to die with him. You have two other children and yourselves to think about.
“You must put some joy back into your lives. You are both bright, energetic, ambitious people who have so much to give to one another and to others. This foundation sounds like a wonderful idea for you, Worth. If you cannot help your son, help someone else’s. You never know what can happen until you put it out there in the universe and see what comes back.”
“Auggie, your love of horses is your salvation. Begin your work there; it is your essence. You have two more children and if you’re not careful, you will paint them with the dismal future of your oldest son. Become young parents again. Have birthday parties, take them to amusement parks and the zoo, take lots of pictures and let them lead normal lives. You have elderly parents and this isn’t fair to them. Count your blessings and include them in your lives. No matter what you do, you cannot control what is happening to Ford. There are new diagnostic procedures all the time. New medications and significant advancements in the field of mental health. I don’t have to tell you this, Worth. Give them a chance to evolve. Give him time to get through puberty and reach adulthood. Perhaps these will all connect at some point and provide a solution for him. But in the meantime, you must live.”
His words held wisdom and purpose for us. Slowly, we began to live again and didn’t allow the feelings of guilt to get in our way. Sometimes, it meant that we had to forget about Ford. It was almost as if he had ceased to exist. We still weren’t permitted to see him, so we lived without him.
Auggie and I decided to have a recommitment ceremony. We wanted to be married again, in a church with a minister and this time, our youngest children would be by our sides. We invited everyone we knew and held the ceremony in a small church in our tiny community. Our babies were sitting up and wore circlets of flowers upon their tiny heads. We blew kisses in the direction of Ford but resolved to go on without him.
That night we made love with a renewed zest. Auggie became my young bride again and my hands passed over her tender skin as though it was newly discovered. She opened herself to me and our gentleness was replaced by a frenzy born of long denial. It was a coupling of souls this time; not just two young bodies that were attracted physically. We were tied at the soul. For better or for worse.
What we didn’t expect was that the worst part would follow so closely.
Auggie
Worth’s cell buzzed in the middle of our wedding night. It was Bernie and Worth answered, his face contorting through a variety of expressions. I was trying to listen in, but their voices were low in the dark of the night and I couldn’t understand what was being said.
Worth even stood and left the room at one point, which was when I feared for the worst.
When he came back, he’d hung up and took my hands in his. “Auggie, we have to do something that could turn out very badly, but we have no choice. They’ve not left us with a choice.”
I swallowed hard, trying to not let terror seize me. “What?”
“That was Bernie and he just got a phone call from Ford. Ford was attacked earlier today by one of the roughest boys in the institution and was beaten quite badly. There was no doctor on hand to take care of him, so he was left to his own devices in the medical ward. He found a way to escape and has been in hiding until he found a way to call.”
I tried to get up, but Worth placed his hands on my shoulders, holding me down.
“Bernie is on his way to pick him up. We will see to it that he’s treated medically and then Bernie is going to take him out of state.”
My hand flew to my mouth as I tried to comprehend the implications.
“Auggie, we can’t let him return to that facility; he may not be so lucky next time. This means our son is going into hiding. As long as Bernie is with him, things should be fine. But we have no guarantees. Bernie is one helluva good man. He is offering to give up his own freedom to keep Ford safe.”