The Lie

I lean back in my chair. “I just had a meeting with the dean and the department chair. I told them everything, Natasha.”

She stares at me blankly. I expect her to get angry, to cry out but instead a flicker of hope shines through her eyes. “What did they say?”

I shrug. “They listened. That was pretty much it. They said they’ll deliberate about it and let me know.”

“You’re not fired?”

“No, I’m not fired. But that was never really the point. It wasn’t about telling them what I’ve done and not getting punished for it. It’s about telling them what I plan to keep on doing.”

“Plan to keep on doing?” she repeats.

My laugh is short and dry. “Natasha. I don’t know what you think you’re doing trying to save me, save my job. But it’s not working. I’m not done with you. You’re not getting away that easily. I wanted to know if I can keep seeing you, even if I don’t have you right now.”

“And what if they say you can’t see me?” she asks quietly. “What if they make you choose.”

“Then you know what I’ll choose,” I tell her. “It’s you. And that’s something you’re going to have to accept because I’m not letting go of you. Ever. I love you. You don’t seem to realize how your soul belongs with mine.”

Her eyes soften and a wane smile tugs at her lips. I expected her to still be stubborn, to fight my decision, to tell me she needs to do what’s right and leave me so I can keep my job.

But aside from still seeming anxious, she almost seems…happy.

Her change of heart has me puzzled though I know I shouldn’t question it.

“There’s something I need to tell you,” she says and in one hollow moment I worry that she’s going to tell me she’s met someone else and can’t be with me, no matter how hard I try, no matter how badly I love her.

“What?” I whisper, trying to keep my pulse from racing out of my throat.

She shuts her eyes, licking her lips, as if trying to gather some internal strength. The longer the seconds tick past, the more I’m afraid that I really might lose her forever. The thought is beyond devastating.

The room grows silent.

My pulse rushes in my ears.

Natasha takes a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.”

The words hang between us.

That was the last thing I expected to hear. In fact, I’m not even sure I heard that right.

“You’re what?”

She opens her eyes, filled with tears. I can’t tell if they are happy or not.

“I’m pregnant, Brigs. I checked with several tests. Went to the doctor. It’s all positive.”

“And it’s mine?” I say, even though I feel like a wanker for questioning it.

She gives me the appropriate look. “Of course it’s yours. I’ve only been sleeping with you. It’s all you, Brigs.” She tries to swallow, looking away. “And I don’t know how you feel about it or what you want to do but I just wanted to let you know. Because you need to know. You deserve to know. And I’m keeping it.”

I can’t move. I can’t breathe.

Thinking is out of the question.

The only thing moving is my heart, which continues to race and dance, feeling so light that it might just float away.

“Well,” she says, wiping away a tear and folding her arms. “Say something at least.”

But I’m dumfounded.

The joy rushing through me is too much to even feel.

I’m numb from fucking happiness.

“I…you’re pregnant,” I whisper.

“Yes,” she says. “With your baby.” She sniffs and gives me the most gorgeous awestruck smile. “I’m going to be a mom.”

Bloody hell.

Bloody. Fucking. Hell.

“You’re pregnant with my child,” I say, trying to get to my feet even though I can’t feel them, can’t feel anything except this light inside me trying to force its way out. “You’re pregnant.”

“Yes, yes,” she says, laughing a little. “This is good, right? Tell me it’s good, Brigs, I’m so fucking scared.” Her face falls and I can see how damn terrified she must be.

And that’s when it hits me. The reality. The enormity of it all.

That’s when I kick into gear.

I go over to her and pull her into my arms, holding her so tight, kissing the top of her head hard, over and over again.

“Yes it’s good, it’s so fucking good,” I tell her and now the tears are coming for me. I can’t even contain them, I don’t even try. “Natasha, I don’t even know what to say but it’s good. I love you. I love you so much and I am…” I break off, a sob escaping me. “I want this more than anything in the world. Such a beautiful thing. It will be yours and mine. It will be ours to love.”

She’s holding me as tight as I’m holding her and now she’s crying too, soft whimpers into my chest. “I want this, Brigs. I want us again. I want to be with you, I want to love you and keep on loving you. I don’t want to do it all alone.”

I pull back and cup her face in my hands, smiling so wide that my face feels like it might break, even though the tears keep running down my cheeks and everything tastes like salt.

It’s the taste of joy.

Of starting over.