Producer: “Ha, yeah, you’re a good comedian.”
Tiffany: “You best get on the Tiffany train while you can, because it’s about to take off.”
Then they all just blew me off.
Now those same directors and producers are blowing my phone up.
The day after the movie came out, I had a hundred text messages.
The next morning when I woke up, four hundred text messages.
That week, I got probably fifteen hundred different people texting me wanting to get together or work together or pitch me on something.
Now, mind you, fifty of the texts were from my ex-husband, trying to get me back. Three of them were from Titus, trying to have lunch and sit down with me at some point, and four other ex-boyfriends sending all kinds of stuff. But still, most were from real Hollywood people.
I gotta admit, that shit feels real good.
Honestly, part of me doesn’t want to work with those people. The people that I asked to give me a chance, the ones who said no, I kinda want to just ignore them. I mean, I’m not going to do that, it’s not professional, but still—I kinda want to.
The funniest part is that Rumpelstiltskin is all over me now. Remember that dude, the one who said, “The only way you can go on tour with me is if you putting out”?
Rumpelstiltskin called me the week after the movie came out:
Rumpelstiltskin: “Hey Tiff, my mom said that you amazing and that I’m a fool for not having you on my shows and stuff. I should have been working with you a long time ago.”
Tiffany: “Your mama right, she a smart woman. I told you that, too.”
Rumpelstiltskin: “Yeah, so how would you feel about doing a tour with me, you, some other comedians. How do you feel about that?”
Tiffany: “I don’t know. You headlining it?”
Rumpelstiltskin: “No, no, no, no, no. I’m going to host. You be the headliner. You the main attraction. You the big deal.”
Tiffany: “I’m listening.”
Rumpelstiltskin: “I talked to your people, they say you get a thousand dollars a minute.”
Tiffany: “That’s right. It used to be a dollar a minute. Now it’s a thousand dollars a minute. That’s right.”
Rumpelstiltskin: “Oooo, that’s a little steep. How about if we do thirty-four shows, and half of them will be in theaters and the other half will be in arenas. How would you feel about making eighteen-five a show?”
Tiffany: “Eighteen thousand five hundred dollars?”
Rumpelstiltskin: “Yeah.”
Tiffany: “Mm, I don’t know. That’s half my normal fee.”
Rumpelstiltskin: “Yeah, but all you got to do is show up!”
Tiffany: “I can’t even say that I’m going to be able to show up at all. See, Kevin Hart just called me and asked me to do a movie with him. So, I’m gonna do the movie. ’Cause that’s a A-list movie.”
Rumpelstiltskin: “Well, maybe we can work around your movie schedule.”
Tiffany: “Well, see, I already have my own shows booked. A bunch of them. I mean, you have to work around the dates I already have booked. You know how it is—I’m headlining my own shows. They’re already sold out, most of ’em. So, I don’t know what to tell you, man. I don’t know what to tell you.”
Rumpelstiltskin: “You can tell me yes.”
Tiffany: “I think you really shouldn’t even be talking to me. You need to be talking to my team.”
Rumpelstiltskin: “But I’m talking to you first, because I want to make sure it’s cool with you before I present it to your team.”
Tiffany: “Well, you need to present it to my team. Then if they present it to me in a manner that it seems like it’s financially feasible, then I will take that on.”
Rumpelstiltskin: “Okay, okay, I will do that. Right away.”
Tiffany: “Also, I need you to tell my people who’s putting out on this tour. I’ll need to know that.”
Rumpelstiltskin: “What?”
Tiffany: “Who’s putting out on this tour, ’cause I know it ain’t me.”
Rumpelstiltskin: “Tiffany, Tiffany, those was jokes. Those was jokes. You KNOW those was jokes.”
Tiffany: “Yeah, maybe. Except, you never did let me come on tour with you. If it was a joke, you would have booked me, if it was a joke.”
Rumpelstiltskin: “Don’t be holding on to old shit. Let that shit go now. Just let that shit go. Let it go. That’s the past. That’s the past. We living in the now.”
Tiffany: “Yeah, I don’t know about that, Rumpelstiltskin, sound like somebody about to make a whole lotta money, and it ain’t gonna be me. I don’t know.”
Rumpelstiltskin: “Girl, you must be about to start your period. I’m gonna call you back.”
Two days later, he called back.
Rumpelstiltskin: “We put the offer in to your people, Tiffany. Now you just gotta tell them you want to do it.”
Tiffany: “Yeah, okay. But it sound like to me, somebody is trying to eat off of my plate. I don’t know if a thousand dollars a minute gonna get it anymore. I really don’t know if that’s gonna get it. You know?”
Rumpelstiltskin: “Well shit, if you do forty minutes, that’s forty thousand dollars.”
Tiffany: “I know, right? And if you sold out an arena, and you selling tickets for $50 to $150 a ticket, shit, that’s going to be more than that. That’s going to be a lot more. Well into the six figures. I mean, I’m going to need to make some money, too.”
Rumpelstiltskin: “Who are you right now?”
Tiffany: “I’m Tiffany-Motherfucking-Haddish, who I always been! Rumpelstiltskin, I like you, I really do, but you not going to take advantage of me, Rumpelstiltskin. That’s not going to happen.”
Rumpelstiltskin: “Ah baby, you hilarious. You hilarious.”
Tiffany: “Nah, but for real, go talk to my team, and I will discuss it with them, and they will get back to you later.”
I just hung up the phone.
Oh BOY, that call felt good!!
I was so close to saying this to him: “Yeah, I’ll do it, if you open up that booty hole. You gotta open up that booty hole for me, though.”
I didn’t say that, though. I sure wanted to, but I didn’t. Rumpelstiltskin may not be a great person, but he’s not a bad person. He’s all right, he doesn’t deserve that sort of treatment. And it’s unprofessional, and I’m not going to be like that.
But seriously, that’s the kind of stuff that’s been going on. A lot of people that told me I couldn’t make it, or tried to take advantage of me, now they are trying to figure out a different way to take advantage or be on my team in some kind of way.
But that’s not going to happen. I’m a survivor, and all this struggle I went through—while it sucked at the time—is really helping me now. It has helped me get to where I am, and it will help me continue to improve and do better.
It didn’t always feel like it at times, but I truly believe I am blessed.
We Not Done
Growing up, I just wanted to feel wanted.