I was shooting the movie Girls Trip in New Orleans, and Jada Pinkett Smith was in it with me. We got to become pretty good friends on the set. One weekend, Will Smith was coming into town, and Jada invited me to dinner with her and Will.
I got all dolled up in my best cheap dress to go to dinner with them at this restaurant called La Petite Grocery. That place really lived up to its name. Despite being very expensive, it had very small portions of food. I ordered the short rib and it’s just, like, one rib. Seriously, there’s just a little morsel. There’s one bite.
Tiffany: “Where’s the rest of the meat?”
Jada: “You can order as many as you want, Tiffany. It’s okay.”
Tiffany: “Is this how y’all rich people stay thin, y’all just eat like, a bite of food and that’s it? $30 for one bite? That’s insane.”
They also had crazy-expensive wine. I ain’t into that. I asked the wine guy:
Tiffany: “Do y’all have Barefoot Moscato?”
They did have it, and they were cool about bringing it to me. Not snobby or anything.
If you don’t know, Barefoot is that wine they sell in the grocery store real cheap. You can laugh at me. God knows Jada and Will were laughing at me.
Jada: “Oh man, Tiffany, it’s you. It’s you, Tiffany, it’s you.”
Tiffany: “What’s so funny? You ever had Barefoot? It’s good!”
Jada: “Yes, I’ve had it. I love hanging out with you, because you remind me of back when I was young, and living in Baltimore, just getting started. You just remind me of the good old days.”
I thought, Damn, your good old days must have sucked.
She asked me what I was doing the next day, because we had the day off from shooting.
Tiffany: “Oh, I got me a Groupon, so I’m going on the swamp tour.”
Jada: “Who you going with?”
Tiffany: “By myself.”
Jada: “You going all by yourself?”
Tiffany: “Yeah, I don’t have no friends out here in Louisiana, I’m going by myself.”
Jada: “Well, maybe Will and I will go with you.”
Tiffany: “Yeah right, y’all not gonna go with me.”
Jada: “No, we’ll probably go with you. We’ll call you tomorrow and we’ll see.”
There was no chance Jada and Will were coming with me on a swamp tour. I just ignored that shit, and we had a great time at dinner.
The swamp tour was at about 2 p.m., so right after breakfast, I got out my weed that I had brought in from LA. Now, don’t get all crazy—I have a prescription for this weed. I got real bad back pain, and my doctor agrees, and I have a prescription, so be cool.
I smoked a little, right? It was like twelve o’clock. I was thinking to myself, Oh man, this swamp tour’s gonna be so cool, I’mma smoke this weed and the alligators gonna be talking to me, the birds gonna be singing, the raccoons gonna be waving at me and stuff, it’s gonna be like I’m in a Disney movie, it’s gonna be great.
And then about one o’clock, Jada called me. I was high as a kite.
Jada: “Hey Tiff, you still going on that swamp tour?”
Tiffany: “Yeah, of course I’m going.”
Jada: “Well, Will and I are gonna go with you.”
I paused for a second in disbelief.
Tiffany: “Wait, you’re for real? Y’all really gonna go with me?”
Jada: “Yes.”
Tiffany: “Okay cool. Don’t even trip, y’all Groupon is on me, I got y’all. Since y’all paid for dinner last night, I’mma take care of you guys.”
Now it was Jada’s turn to pause.
Jada: “What?”
She told me to come to their hotel and we would ride together.
Tiffany: “Don’t worry, I got it. I’ll be over to your hotel in an hour.”
OH SHIT!
So I started eating all this bread and drinking water, doing jumping jacks and freaking out. I gotta sober up and be cool.
An hour later, I pulled up to their hotel in my little $20-a-day rental car that I got. I started to hand my keys to the valet, ’cause I was thinking I’m gonna ride with Will and Jada and their security in the SUV, and it’s gonna be all cool and stuff.
Nope.
Will Smith came running out the hotel like he’s in Bad Boys 7 and he jumped in the back seat of my car.
Will: “Whoa, it’s been years since I’ve been in a regular car.”
Then Jada runs in behind him.
Jada: “Oh my God, these windows aren’t tinted, I don’t feel safe.”
Tiffany: “Really, Jada? You from Baltimore, bitch. Like for real?”
Jada: “Oh my goodness, fine let’s go, right?”
Will: “Yeah, let’s go, we don’t want to be late.”
So I started driving. The whole time, I was thinking I was leaning back in the seat driving all cool. But the next day, Jada told me I was up on the steering wheel. Of course I was up on the steering wheel, because all I could think was, You don’t want to be the chick on TMZ that killed the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Be careful, Tiffany. Drive carefully.
I was trying to play music for them. I was playing the radio, and Chris Brown came on, and it was a new Chris Brown song. And it was so funny, because Will was bobbing his head, and every time I was looking in my rearview mirror, it was like, Will Smith was in my rearview mirror, smiling and bobbing his head.
I was thinking to myself: This is fucking crazy. How could this be my life?
Jada: “Who is this playing on the radio?”
Tiffany: “Oh, that’s Chris Brown, you don’t know who Chris Brown is?”
Jada: “I don’t listen to his music, all I listen to is Shaolin monks.”
I was like, What? Is that what rich people listen to—monks? What the hell is she talking about?
We pulled up to the swamp tour, and it was a lot of people out there waiting. Pretty much all of them white people, too.
Jada: “Tiffany, why are all these people here?”
Tiffany: “They probably all got Groupons.”
Jada: “Tiffany, what is a Groupon?”
Tiffany: “What do you think it is?”
Jada: “I think it means you got your own boat that you could take a group of people on.”
Tiffany: “No, Jada. It’s a discounted coupon that you can do activities with. Why would you think that I had my own boat, Jada?”
Jada: “Will, you gotta go back to the hotel. Call security right now to come and get you to take you back to the hotel, because this gonna be a problem. With all these people and stuff, you need to go home, because it’s gonna be pandemonium. But I’mma stay, ’cause they not gonna recognize me.”
Will: “Oh, no fair. How you gonna invite me on the swamp tour and not let me go on the swamp tour? I want to go on the swamp tour.”
Tiffany: “Yeah Will, tell your wife. Y’all gonna be safe, y’all with me, Tiffany Haddish. Ain’t nothing gonna happen to y’all. I got my backpack, ain’t nobody finna mess with us, we’re gonna see what’s on this swamp.”
Jada: “You got a backpack?”
See, I was trying to make it seem like I had a weapon in my backpack, like I had it cracking. I was patting on the backpack like, “We good, y’all. Like, ain’t nobody finna mess with us, I’m from South Central LA, we finna have a good time, I promise you that.”
Like I said, I was high. It made no sense.
Will: “Man, let’s just go. Let’s just do it. I came all the way out here, I want to get on the swamp tour.”
Jada: “I don’t know, I don’t think it’s gonna be okay, I don’t know.”