“It seems that there is,” Regina admitted. She could feel her cheeks burning with shame as she spoke, revealing herself in such a way. How Harrison had the ability to make her feel so young and small and stupid, she didn’t know.
“I feel as though my entire life has been empty up until now, and that in some ways it is still empty, and that once this is over it will be empty all over again. Only it will be more painful this time, because I will know more of myself.
“I will know that I have been clever, and accomplished, and useful. Even if it was with something that I am not supposed to know of, even if it is something I cannot share with others. Even though I can never tell my family of what I did. I know. That is what matters.
“But after I defeat Lord Pettifer, if I defeat him, then it’s gone. And I don’t know what I shall do after that. My sisters will marry soon, even after this dark cloud is lifted. They all wish to marry and of course they must. And then it will only be me.
“I know that no man will have me. And so there is nothing for me. I have no friends.”
“You have my friends,” Harrison cut in. “They are your friends now as well. They all like you. Cora certainly likes you. I believe that she views you as a younger sister such as she never had.”
Regina blinked rapidly to hide her tears. It had not occurred to her that Cora or any of Harrison’s other friends would wish to continue to see her. But of course…
“You will forgive my impudence, but I feel compelled to remind you that your friends are not always the sort that are welcome in everyone’s homes.”
“That is true,” Harrison allowed, “But they are always welcome in mine. And you are welcome in mine as well, and must be, for when I marry your sister I know she will hardly bear to be parted from you for any length of time.”
“I confess that I feel I have grown somewhat in her absence,” Regina replied.
“That is natural. She is as a mother to you. All children must grow a little away from their parents.”
Regina thought of some of the things that Cora had said. She wondered if perhaps even Bridget didn’t see all that Regina was and could be. Perhaps her sister, in her love, had coddled Regina just a little bit.
“Well, then, I shall have you and your friends,” Regina said. “Although of course I must share you with Bridget.”
“Of course.”
Regina ignored the sudden pang in her heart at the thought. Thomas was never hers, not truly. How could she be sad to lose him, or share him, rather?
Their card games and their time with one another could not continue after things returned to normal and Bridget married him. It was foolish to think so.
But oh, she would miss it. She would miss having Harrison’s full attention. No. Lord Harrison. She must remember to think of him that way again. She must put distance between them, even if it was only in her head.
She would miss knowing that he was taking time out of his day simply to be with her. She would miss having his gaze upon her, looking at her like she was the only person in the room—in the whole world.
She shook herself out of such thoughts. Thomas was only behaving this way because it would get him Bridget. Regina knew that he cared for her, of course. He would not be so kind to her if he did not. But to think he looked at her as though she were the only person in the room?
What a childish fool, to think of such things.
“I cannot have a social circle that only includes you all, of course,” Regina went on. “And I fear going back into ballrooms on my own.”
“Perhaps,” Lord Harrison said, speaking slowly, “This masked ball may be an opportunity in more ways than one, then.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that while you do have a habit of speaking out of turn, you are not so awful as you fear. With your mask on, nobody will know you. You can move freely.
“I think that, before the card game starts and after it is finished, it would be good for you to roam the ball. Dance with some gentlemen. Chat with some ladies.
“After all is said and done, I believe that you will find they embrace you. I truly believe that you will discover you have more to offer than you think you do. Furthermore, I think that you will enjoy yourself more than you anticipate. All that is needed is to free yourself from the burdens of what you feel others expect and believe of you.”
Regina did not quite believe him, but she was willing to give it a try. If only to prove him wrong.
“Very well. Another little bargain between us. I shall move about the ball and engage others in conversation and dance. If they embrace me as they have embraced my sisters in the past, then you are right. If they reject me, then I am proven right and the fault lies entirely within myself.”
“I have found that so rarely does the fault lie entirely with one person.” Harrison’s lips twitched in amusement. “But we shall see in the end who has the right of it.”
Regina smiled at him, looking forward, almost, to winning. Yet at the same time hoping she lost. She was never going to be a social butterfly but she did want to discover that she could discourse with others.
She wanted to prove herself as more than she had always thought she was.
“Again, Regina, if I may return to the subject of your father—if I thought you in danger of developing an addiction, I promise you I should not have continued in your training.
“You are a lady, and as such cannot play outside of this masked ball. Even if you were a man, I would not allow you to play if you were addicted to it. It’s a dangerous thing and always only ever leads to ruination.
“Many a man has thought that he could use it. Rather, the addiction uses him. He will not stop while he is ahead. If he gains a large win, he loses it the next day in another game. No man can win every time. Not with the cards such as they are.
“And yet men try. They try. And they try. And they try again. And for every win there are only heavier losses to follow.”
Thomas’s eyes were glinting in the firelight. It made him look otherworldly once again. As always, it drew Regina in. Even though she knew that it probably should have done the opposite.
“Trust me, my Puck, I would not have let you throw yourself away on such a hopeless endeavor.”
“I suppose I ought to thank you, then, Your Majesty,” Regina replied. She allowed herself to tease a little, fearing that she had made the mood too somber with her childish fears.
“I would be an irresponsible mentor if I did not take such care,” Thomas replied. “And do not beat yourself up about this, Regina. You do enough of that already. It is a legitimate fear and I am glad that you are aware of it as a potential pitfall.”
He rose, holding his hands together behind his back. “Now, I think it is best that we retire. These next few days will be the most intense. The ball is only a week away. Therefore, we must prepare as much as we can.”