But she couldn’t have that. How could she? Despite her growing confidence, she was well aware that she was still second fiddle to her sister. The bargain that she had struck hung over her head like an axe waiting to fall.
It didn’t help that Cora thought that Regina and Harrison were already together. Her little comments, aimed to tease, only served to make the ache in Regina’s chest.
Regina refused to name that ache. She refused to speak even to herself of what it meant. Only a short time ago, she had not understood why people were so willing to suffer for others.
Now that she was starting to understand, denying that she felt that way at all felt like the only thing that could save her.
She didn’t want to end up like her father, miserable. She didn’t want to be like Cora, pining for someone even years later. Even Bridget had a childhood sweetheart that she apparently still thought of.
Regina didn’t want to be like them. She was selfish. She wanted a happy ending. She hadn’t contemplated love before, not really. What place did love have in marriage when it came down to it?
Marriage was a business for women. A career. And so that was how she had thought of it.
The idea that it might also include love… well, if it was going to, then it was going to be a happy love. She would not be someone who pined or who went miserable or who signed herself up for loss and despair.
Let others do that. Let Miss Eliza risk her ruin by spending time with a man who was dying. Let Cora refuse to go to the continent for someone who might not even remember her. Let Father sign away his life for a deck of cards because of the loss of Mother.
Regina would not be like them. She would be stoic and pragmatic. So when she began to dwell upon the affection with which Harrison looked at her, she shoved it aside. When he touched her to guide her through the city or to get her attention, she shoved the bubbling warmth in her chest aside.
When it was just the two of them playing cards and it felt like there was no one else in the world that existed…
She shoved that aside as well.
It ate up more of her thoughts than she would have thought that it did, had someone asked her. Denial took quite a lot of discipline.
There was something else that bothered her, though.
Harrison was obviously very protective of her. She had noticed this in public and in private.
At the theatre, if someone jostled her, Harrison would insinuate himself between Regina and the offender. He would all but shove them back and then glare. It was like having a territorial puppy.
When Cora made remarks about what she thought the state of their relationship was, Harrison would respond with a cutting remark of his own and a look that would have melted bone.
But part and parcel with his protectiveness seemed to come a kind of… Regina couldn’t find the right word. It wasn’t condescension. But it was like he looked at her as though she was ten instead of eighteen.
She knew that she wasn’t as old as some. She knew that Harrison had much more wisdom and experience than she did. But eighteen was considered quite a marriageable age. She had been out in society for two years, and she knew of many women her age who had married at sixteen or seventeen. Some of them were already mothers.
And while she might have many doubts about herself, Harrison was constantly reminding her of her intelligence and skills. So if he thought her so intelligent, then why did he insist on sometimes treating her like a child?
Her preoccupation was noticed by Cora at their daily lesson. Regina was starting to realize that there wasn’t much that slipped by Cora.
“Regina,” Cora said, having dropped the ‘Miss’ some time ago when Regina wasn’t paying attention. “Dear, why do I get the distinct impression that you’re not paying the slightest bit of attention to me?”
“I’m sorry,” Regina replied at once, automatically.
Cora sighed. “What did we say about the constant apologizing?”
“Right. No constant apologizing. I know.”
“Good.” Cora smiled at her. “Now, honestly, is learning about the exchange rate that boring for you?”
“No!” Regina said quickly. “I need to know this.”
“Simply because you need to know it does not mean that you enjoy learning it,” Cora replied. “Although why you must learn the exchange rate, I’m sure I don’t know.”
“You know it,” Regina pointed out.
“I am a horrible, unrepentant reprobate who might need to depend upon herself someday,” Cora replied. “You are a lovely young lady with many prospects ahead of you.”
“Not anymore,” Regina replied.
She had not forgotten the original reason that she was here. Time with Harrison and Cora might in a way feel like some kind of extended holiday but it couldn’t hide the truth. Her family was in danger.
Cora grew quiet and serious. “Yes, I know. Have your sisters found husbands yet?”
Regina shook her head. Bridget’s latest letter had detailed the updates. “Bridget told me that Elizabeth is apparently warming to Mr. Denny, or so she tells Bridget. Louisa and Mr. Fairchild are doing their best to work things out but they are still frozen until his aunt passes.”
“And has Natalie selected someone?”
Regina pulled a face. It was something she would never have dared to do in polite society but around Cora such things came slipping out, as they did when she was with Bridget.
“She has managed to narrow it down. I believe Bridget is finding the difficulty is in Natalie’s ability to actually engage a man beyond the first flirtations.”
“Ah, yes, actually discussing matters of substance and finding there is more to a potential marriage than subtle innuendos,” Cora said. She gave a small smile, as though remembering flirtations of her own.
“I worry about her,” Regina confessed. It felt odd, to worry about Natalie. Natalie had any number of suitors. Theroetically she should be fine.
Yet Regina couldn’t quite shake the feeling of concern.
“As you should.” Cora sighed and tossed aside her papers. It seemed she had realized they wouldn’t get any further in her planned lesson that day.
“Natalie—well. Suffice to say, you’re actually in a better position than she is.”
“How do you mean? Everyone loves Natalie. Nobody even thinks about me.”
Around Harrison and Cora, she had become used to speaking her words when she normally would only have thought them. They seemed to appreciate her speaking out.
“We want to know what exactly is going on in that pretty head of yours,” Harrison had told her once.
Cora gave another little sigh. “Well. The thing is, you don’t interact with many people, do you? You keep to yourself.”
“Yes.” Everybody knew that.
“But when you do interact, you make a point to know the person. You listen to them.”
“That is only because I’m scared to talk to them.”
“Perhaps. But it means that you do a great deal of listening, doesn’t it?”
“Yes, I suppose,” Regina admitted.