“It’s okay.”
And then we just talked. I told her everything I could remember about what happened to Sylvia and how Sam was living with us now and how she was sad and about how I didn’t like death, and she just listened and she told me that she was sorry and that it was okay to be confused and that I should trust in God—?and even though I didn’t like God lectures, I didn’t mind them when they came from Mima. Then I finally got around to asking her how she felt, was she okay, and she said she was tired all the time, and I asked her again if she was afraid.
“No, I’m not afraid.”
And then there was a silence on the phone and she said, “I want you to take care of your father.” And I wanted to say Isn’t he supposed to take care of me? but I didn’t. Then I got mad at myself: When are you going to stop being such a boy? Then I heard Mima say, “Your father is very sad.”
“I know.”
“Your father has a soft heart.”
“I know.”
“I’ve always worried about him.”
“Why?”
“Your father knows how to give. But sometimes he needs someone to give him something too.”
“Like what?”
“Love.”
“But I love him.”
“I love him too.”
“I don’t understand.”
“When I’m gone—”
“I don’t want to talk about that.”
“Salvador, everyone dies. It’s a very normal thing.”
“It doesn’t feel normal. When Mrs. Diaz died in a car accident—?that didn’t feel normal.”
“People die in accidents all the time.”
“That’s what Dad said.”
“Your father’s right.”
“I don’t like that. I want you to live forever.”
“Then I would be God. I don’t want to be God. That’s a sin, to want to be God. Ay, mi Salvador, we’ve talked about this before.” Mima got very quiet. Then she said, “It would be a curse to live forever. Vampires live forever. You want to be a vampire?”
We both started laughing.
And then we just started talking about other stuff. Normal stuff. What I wanted to tell her was that I didn’t care about sin or about God. I wanted to tell her that God was just a beautiful idea and I didn’t care about beautiful ideas and that He was just a word I hadn’t run into yet, hadn’t met yet, and so He was still a stranger. I wanted to tell her that she was real, and she was so much more beautiful than an idea. I know she wouldn’t like what I had to say, and I didn’t want to argue with her, so I didn’t say any of those things.
“You have to have faith,” she said.
I wished that word were my friend. “I’m trying, Mima.”
“Good,” she said. “Tomorrow, when you come, tell Samantha I want to talk to her.”
“About what?”
“I just want to talk to her.”
That meant she wasn’t going to tell me. And then I got a little upset. There was that left-out thing that was living inside me. “I’ll tell her.”
I think she could tell I was upset. “She doesn’t have her mother anymore.”
“That’s sad.”
“Just like you.”
“I don’t really remember her.”
“That’s okay. You were little. But she was beautiful, your mother. It’s hard to lose your mother.”
I thought about my letter.
“But I have Dad,” I said. “That’s enough.” I wasn’t sure that was the truth—?but I wanted it to be.
“Yes, you have your dad. But he’s lonely. Did you know that?”
“Did he tell you that?”
“He doesn’t have to tell me. I’m his mother. I can see.”
When was I going to learn to see?
Me and Sam (and Pawnshops)
WHEN I TURNED off my cell, I noticed Sam in the room. I looked up at her. “Eavesdropping?”
“A little bit. I hate to see you sad,” she said.
“I hate to see you sad too,” I said.
“We can do this,” she said.
“You believe that?”
“Yes,” she said.
Faith. Sam had faith. She just didn’t let herself in on that secret.
There it was, that dorky Elvis with a microphone, greeting us outside Dave’s Loans. Sam took a selfie of her and Elvis. “Come on, give him a kiss.”
“Nope.”
“C’mon.”
“Nope.”
“My mother died.”
“Don’t start.”
“Well, she did.”
“Mine died too.”
She gave me a look. Then I gave her a look. We were definitely two very weird human beings.
So we walked into the pawnshop. It was littered with junk. Sam went straight for the jewelry. “Look at that ring.”
“Looks like an engagement ring.”
“Yup. That’s what it is. Bet she hocked it after she dumped his ass. I bet he was cheating on her.”
“Well, maybe she’s still married to the guy and they just needed the money. Maybe they lost their jobs. People are sometimes down and out.”
“I like my story better.”
“Yeah, it’s more tragic.”
“No, it’s probably closer to the truth.”
“You don’t have a high opinion of human nature, do you?”
“Your problem, Sally, is that you think everybody is like you and your dad and your Mima. I got a news flash for you.”
“Your problem, Sammy, is that you think everybody is like the bad boys you like to date.”
“For one, I don’t date bad boys anymore. And second of all, the world is full of a lot of screwed-up people.” She turned around and searched the store with her eyes. “See that? It’s a laptop. I bet some druggie stole it and hocked it.”
“That’s not legal, is it?”
“Okay, let’s say some druggie was jonesing—”
“Jonesing?”
“You know, craving his next hit.”
“How do you know these things?”
“You really do have to get out more.” She gave me one of her smirks. “You make me want to smoke.”
“Bad idea.”
“So this druggie had to pawn his laptop so he could get another hit. Either that or he owed his dealer money.”
“You really are going to be a writer.”
“Well, there are a lot of sad stories in the world.”
“And you’re going to give it your best shot at telling all of them.”
“Nobody wants to read happy stories.”
“I do.”
Then her eye fell on a tennis bracelet. “Look at all those diamonds.”
“Why do they call them tennis bracelets?”
“Because you can play tennis and not have to take it off.”
“Is that true?”
“I have no fucking idea.” She laughed.
“Man, the F word has come into your mouth with a vengeance.”
“My mother died.”
“Stop.”
She kept staring at the bracelet. “My mother had a bracelet just like that one.”
“Well, they all kind of look alike.”
“No, they don’t.”
“So?”
“I’m thinking that bracelet might have belonged to my mother.”
“That’s crazy.”
“Why is it crazy?”
“It just is.”
“Well, her bracelet wasn’t in her things.”
“Are you sure?”
She gave me a look.
“Maybe she lost it.”
“That’s definitely a possibility. One time she lost a pair of four-hundred-dollar shoes.”
“She spent four hundred dollars on a pair of shoes? That’s crazy.”
“She was like that.”
“How do you lose a pair of shoes?”