Shaking, I hold out my own, waiting.
Finn’s brows pinch, his gaze darting from my face to my hand. I meet his eyes and hold his gaze. Does he know what I’m asking? Does he understand? Emotion bounces between us, and then all at once his expression clears. A small smile unfurls, as he reaches out.
His warm, rough palm presses against mine. Our fingers thread. Something inside me settles into place with a silent click.
I give Finn’s hand a squeeze. “I was coming to find you. To tell you that I loved you.”
He lets out a breath. And then he’s crawling into bed with me, tucking my body around his hard strength. Soft lips brush my temple. Finn cups my cheek with infinite care. “I love you so much, it scares me.”
I lean into his touch with a sigh. “That was my problem too. But I’m not scared anymore.” My fingers toy with his longer ones. “I think no matter how my life played out, I would have found you. I would have loved you.”
His eyes squeeze shut and when he opens them, they are shining. “You’re my fate, Chess. I’ve known that since the beginning. I was meant to be yours.”
“I told James that you were my fate.”
He gives me a pleased smile. “Some things were meant to be.”
I huff out a laugh. “That song… A band started playing it, right in the middle of my dinner. Every person in the place singing along. How am I supposed to ignore a sign like that?”
He laughs. “You don’t.”
I lay my head on his shoulder, and we both rest. The steady beat of his heart soothe me. Finn strokes my knuckles with an idle touch.
“I’m sorry I left the way I did,” I finally say.
Finn stirs. “I wasn’t hearing you when you said you were afraid. Not the way you needed me to hear it, anyway.”
He turns his hand to that my palm rests on his, so that he’s now holding me. “You think I need to father a child to be happy, because of what I lost. And it was easier for me to brush that aside with quick assurances than to really ask myself if that was true.”
A tremor goes through me, and he tightens his grip as if he knows I want to pull away. Finn’s voice is steady and sure, but taut with a hint of wryness. “Football is easy, if you want to know the truth. Easy in the way that I’m gifted. I fail it’s all on me. I can control that. I never really lost anything that mattered to me until the baby.”
Long fingers curl over mine. “I couldn’t control that. It changed me, made me afraid. And what I feel for you is fucking terrifying. Because I can’t control you either. I can only love you and hope for the best, that you’ll love me back, that I can keep you safe and happy.”
“I am happy,” I whisper, turning further toward his body, to press close. “You’ve always made me happy. I panicked. But I shouldn’t have. Because you are worth any risk.”
He lets that absorb, pressing his lips to my head. “You have no idea how happy I am to hear that, Chess. But I owe you an answer. Because I panicked too. And I should have taken that same risk.”
Nerves pluck at my belly. I don’t know why; he loves me. I love him. I know my worth, and I know he see it too. But some feelings cannot be changed, no matter how much you want to ignore them. I go still, letting him say what he has to. And maybe it’s hard for him, because he takes his time, measuring his words as if they have weight.
“Thing is, when I lost my child…I lost someone to love. I didn’t realize it until then, but I needed that. I needed love in my life. Someone who makes all the effort worth it.” Finn shifts on the bed to that we’re fact to face. “I love you, Chester Copper. More than anything. It isn’t a matter of that being good enough; it is essential. You take yourself out of the equation and the rest has no meaning.”
I don’t know who moves first. Our kisses are soft, sweet, apologies mixed with promises. After a lingering press of his mouth to mine, Finn strokes the sensitive side of my neck with the backs of his fingers. “You want to adopt a child, employ a surrogate, do both, that’s what we’ll do. But I don’t need that. Not now.”
“I don’t need that now either. I’m happy with it being just us.”
His cheek brushes mine. “Whatever we choose, we’ll do it together. As long as we’re together, Chess.”
“Together.” It is a word ripe with possibilities, and I cannot wait.
Epilogue
Chess
* * *
In the spring, Finn bought me a house for my birthday. And I let him. It was surprising how liberating it felt, not worrying about what kind of message that sent or if I’d be trapping myself by allowing him spend so much money. I’d placed my life in his hands and he’d done the same. Every day the threads of our lives grew more intertwined, and we were stronger for it.
We chose a house on Third Street in the Garden District. Built in the 1850s, it was a Greek Revival style with double galleries along the front and the back of the house, and surrounded by wide lawns, with a pool tucked in the back. We painted the stucco a pale violet to represent New Orleans purple, with white for the trim. The high iron gates—which we needed for privacy—were a glossy dark green. And I was in love, true love with the massive old house.