‘Trust me, Clare. I’ve never let you down. This is for the best.’ He ends the call and I’m left staring at my phone in disbelief. Another part of my life falling apart.
‘You should take advice from the people who care about you,’ says Luke as we pull up outside. He cuts the engine and turns in the seat to face me. ‘Listen, Clare, I know this whole Alice thing has been difficult for you. No, wait. Hear me out. The memory of Alice and the legacy she left behind; the scar it left on you and your mum has been immense. I know that. And I know how much you wanted to find her. Finding your sister, not just for your mum but for yourself too. So, Alice turning up and not exactly fitting that little slot you carved out for her has been … challenging.’ He brushes a strand of hair away from my eyes.
God I want to sink into him. This small act of tenderness is in danger of reducing me to a whimpering wreck. I fight back the emotion. I swallow hard and it hurts my throat, such is the size of the lump. I stare straight ahead, not daring to look at Luke as I know I will crumble completely. ‘I find her difficult. I feel I’m just scratching the surface of what she’s really like. I can’t seem to warm to her,’ I confess.
Luke gives a small sigh of exasperation and he moves his hand away. ‘Just because she’s your sister, it doesn’t mean you automatically love her. You have to give these things time.’
I look at the house I’ve called home for all my life and think of the love and pain that has coexisted for all that time. I used to think I was safe here, me and Mum. We could shut the gates and shut the world out, but now I realise that’s not true. I don’t feel safe. I don’t feel loved and I don’t feel love. It’s cold. It’s dark. It’s dangerous.
In a moment of clarity. I know what I have to do.
Mum and Alice are having lunch in the kitchen when I go in. Mum stops mid-bite of her sandwich and slowly places it on her plate. A small dollop of pickle slides out between the slices of brown bread. Alice takes a sip of her coffee and sits back in her seat.
‘I’m so, so sorry, Mum. I want to apologise for my behaviour. And to you too, Alice. It really has been unacceptable; I don’t know what’s got into me lately.’ I drop my head and pause for a moment. ‘Please can you forgive me? Both of you?’
‘Clare, my darling, of course we can,’ says Mum, getting up and giving me a hug. She takes my hand and leads me over to the table. ‘Alice?’
‘Oh, what? Oh, yes, of course.’ She gets up and hugs me too. ‘Of course, we forgive you.’
I nod and give a meek smile. ‘I think you’re right, Alice. About working getting to me. I’ve not been coping very well.’
Mum pulls out a chair and sits me down. ‘Luke, make Clare a cup of tea.’
I don’t look at Luke, there’s no need, I can feel the weight of his gaze on me. After a second, he does as he’s told and goes to make me a cup of tea while Mum tells me how run down I must be, that I’m looking tired and I really must take care of myself. That she and Alice have been very worried about me. In fact, they were only just saying how tense I was and maybe I should go to the doctor.
It takes some effort on my part not to make a retort to that remark. What is it with everyone that they think I’m going mad? I’m not, but I mustn’t argue. I don’t want to fan the flames.
‘Actually, I’ve been thinking,’ I say. ‘I do feel as if everything has been a bit overwhelming. I’ve already spoken to Leonard and I’m taking some time off work.’ This time I do catch Luke’s eye, but he doesn’t betray my version of events. I continue. ‘I need a bit of headspace. I thought I’d spend a few days visiting Nadine. You know, Nadine Horricks, who I went to school with? She lives in Cambridgeshire now. She’s always said if ever I want to come and visit.’
‘Nadine Horricks?’ says Luke. ‘There’s a blast from the past. I didn’t know you were that friendly still.’
‘We keep in touch, you know that,’ I say. Luke makes some sort of noise resembling an acknowledgement, but doesn’t comment further.
‘I remember Nadine,’ says Mum. ‘Nice girl. Went on to be a nurse or something, I think.’
‘That’s right,’ I say. ‘Anyway, thought I’d go and see her.’
Mum pats my hands. ‘That’s a good idea, darling. And when you come back, everything will be just fine.’
I take a final sip of my tea. ‘In fact, I’ll go and email her now.’
I go into the living room and switch on my laptop. Luke comes in and leans against the doorframe.
‘What are you up to?’ he says.
‘Me? Nothing. I’m just emailing Nadine, like I said.’
‘That will be Nadine, who I know for a fact you haven’t exchanged even a Christmas card with for the last two years.’
‘It doesn’t matter. She’s still my friend.’
‘Don’t do anything stupid,’ warns Luke.