‘Why don’t you go into the living room?’ I suggest, feeling concern for Alice. ‘I’ll close the door and make sure you’re not disturbed.’
‘I don’t want to cause a fuss,’ says Alice. ‘I might just slip quietly up to my room for a while.’
‘Of course. Come on, I’ll take you.’
Holding Alice’s hand, we sweep our way through the kitchen and upstairs to her room. Alice sits on the edge of the bed ‘Sorry.’
‘Don’t be sorry. You have a rest. I’ll let Mum know. Everyone should start to go soon. Is there anything I can get you?’
‘No. Thanks, Clare.’
I go to give Alice a hug, change my mind and then change it back again. It feels awkward, not least because she’s sitting down. As I go back downstairs, I ponder why I find it so difficult feeling genuine warmth towards Alice. I wish it wasn’t like this and I hope she hasn’t picked up on it, especially if she’s feeling a bit out of place.’
Alice spends the rest of the afternoon in her room until everyone has gone. Mum goes up to see her and coaxes her down for some supper.
‘I’m just tired,’ says Alice. ‘I think I’ll have an early night.’
‘Of course, darling. I’m sorry if it was all too much,’ says Mum.
‘That’s what happens when I leave Tom alone with you,’ I joke, in a bid to lighten the mood. Alice smiles but says her goodnights and goes back up to her room.
‘She’ll be okay in the morning,’ says Luke to us both. ‘Best leave her to rest now. Mind you, being stuck with Tom for the afternoon is enough to drive anyone to the brink.’
A remark I choose to ignore.
Chapter 12
I can’t believe how quickly the past couple of weeks have gone since Alice arrived in our lives. I’ve had such a swing of emotions, I feel physically tired from battling with it all. Mum, however, seems to be thriving and going from strength to strength.
She was so happy at the little welcome-home party we threw for Alice and I was pleased that everyone turned up. Mum took great pride in showing Alice off; I’m not sure that Alice was quite so enthused but, to her credit, she smiled graciously and made polite conversation. The only thing that seemed a bit odd was when I found her and Tom talking in the garden. I did try to find out from Alice yesterday, but she just laughed it off and mumbled something about Tom boring her with law talk. I didn’t buy that and made a mental note to ask Tom today.
I wonder how Alice is dealing with being here. I get the impression she is struggling a bit too as some days she seems more upbeat than others. Perhaps this is the one thing we have in common, the uncertainty of our emotions. I don’t say anything to Mum as I don’t want to ruin her new-found happiness. She has a lightness in her step and she practically bounces into the room these days. The darkness behind her eyes has disappeared. Even the lines around her eyes don’t look so deep. It makes me happy to see her like this. It’s been a long time since she has felt any true joy.
It’s an inset day at school for Hannah today, so the breakfast table is a little quieter as I haven’t woken her. Luke is having the day off to look after her and he’s booked Chloe out of nursery too. He’s going to take them to the Sea Life Centre in Brighton. Hannah’s school project this term is Under The Sea, so she’s going to take the camera that Luke and I bought her for her birthday. Hannah loves photography. I think she gets it from Luke. He was always taking pictures when he was younger and was never without his camera, but as he got older, he favoured the paintbrush more. Maybe Hannah will take after him and be the creative type, whereas Chloe is quieter, probably more like me. I was a very placid child. I think it comes from always feeling the need to shrink into the shadows, not to be noticed. I’ve never liked being the centre of attention. As a child, life was easier if my father didn’t notice me. I’m glad Luke doesn’t have the same relationship with his daughters. It’s something we’ve both worked hard to achieve. I want my girls to be in the warm and not only to be loved but to know they are loved. I want the sun to shine on them every day, even when it’s cloudy.
‘Penny for your thoughts,’ says Luke as he sits Chloe on her booster seat and puts a bowl with chopped-up banana for her on the table. Chloe digs her chubby little fingers in eagerly. She chases a slice of banana around the bowl and squishes it slightly as she traps it in her fist. She shoves it rather awkwardly into her mouth and then sets about repeating the whole process.