I felt the water reacting badly inside my stomach and beads of perspiration beginning to break out across my forehead. What was I even doing here? Years of regret and shame began to overwhelm me. A lifetime of lying, of feeling that I was being forced to lie, had led me to a moment where I was not only preparing to destroy my own life but also that of a girl who had done nothing whatsoever to deserve it.
Sensing my despair, Julian came over and placed an arm around me, and it felt entirely natural when I allowed my head to rest on his shoulder. I wanted nothing more than to close my eyes and fall asleep while he held me. The scent of his cologne was subtle and beneath it I could smell the lingering odor of whatever cream the barber had used earlier. “What’s the matter, Cyril?” he asked me quietly. “You don’t seem like yourself at all. It’s natural to be nervous on your wedding day but you do know how much Alice loves you, right?”
“I do,” I said.
“And you love her too, don’t you?” His tone hardened a little when I didn’t reply immediately. “You love my sister, don’t you, Cyril?”
I inclined my head a little to give the appearance of an affirmative answer.
“I wish my mother was here, that’s all,” I said, the sentiment surprising me, for I had not realized that I wished any such thing.
“Maude?”
“No, my real mother. The woman who gave birth to me.”
“Oh right,” he said. “Have you been in touch with her then? You never said.”
“No,” I replied. “I just wish she was here, that’s all. To help me. To talk to me. When she made the decision to walk away from me, it must have been incredibly difficult. I just wonder how badly it affected her afterward, that’s all. I’d like to ask her.”
“Well, I’m here,” said Julian. “So if there’s anything you need to talk about, that’s what a best man is for. Not to mention a best friend.”
I looked up at him and quite unexpectedly began to cry.
“Jesus Christ, Cyril,” said Julian, sounding truly worried. “You’re starting to scare me now. What’s the matter with you anyway? Come on, you can tell me anything, you know that. Is it just the drink? Do you need to be sick?”
“It’s not the drink,” I said, shaking my head. “But I can’t…I can’t tell you.”
“Of course you can. Think of all the things I’ve told you over the years. Christ, if we were to write some of that down I wouldn’t come out of it smelling like roses, would I? You haven’t been with another girl, have you? Behind Alice’s back? It’s not something like that, is it?”
“No,” I said. “No, there’s been no other girl.”
“Because if you had, well, I suppose you could just chalk it up to experience. Alice is no saint either, you know. A marriage only begins when you take your vows. After that, you have to stay faithful, I suppose, or what’s the point? But if you’ve had a few slips along the way—”
“It’s not that,” I insisted, raising my voice.
“Then what? What is it, Cyril? Just tell me, for Christ’s sake.”
“I’m not in love with her,” I said, looking down at the ground, noticing for the first time that Julian’s shoes were a little scuffed at the sides. He’d forgotten to polish them. Maybe he wasn’t perfect after all.
“What did you just say?” he asked me.
“I said I’m not in love with her,” I repeated quietly. “I’m very fond of her. She’s the kindest, most thoughtful, most decent girl I’ve ever known in my life. The truth is, she deserves better than me.”
“You’re not going to get all self-loathing on me, are you?”
“But I don’t love her,” I repeated.
“Of course you fucking love her,” he said, taking his arm from my shoulder now.
“No,” I said, feeling intense excitement to hear the words emerging from my mouth. “I know what love is, because I feel it for someone else. Just not for her.” It was as if I had left my body and was floating in non-corporeal form a few feet above us, looking down, watching carefully, intrigued to know how this scene was going to play out. And still delusional enough to wonder if there was any chance of me going home with a different Woodbead than the one I was there to marry.
Julian took a long time to speak again. “But you just told me,” he said slowly, sounding out every word carefully, “that there’s been no other girl.”
“The truth is I’ve been in love for as long as I can remember,” I said, keeping my voice as steady as possible. “Since I was a child, in fact. I know it sounds stupid to believe in something as corny as love at first sight, but it’s what happened to me. I fell in love years ago and I’ve never been able to let go of that person since.”
“But who?” he asked, the words almost a whisper as I turned my head toward him. “Who is it? I don’t understand.”
Our eyes locked and I knew then that my entire life had led me toward that moment, to that sacristy, to the two of us sitting next to each other, and, without planning it, I leaned forward to kiss him. For a few seconds, no more than three or four, our lips pressed against each other and I felt that curious mix of tenderness and masculinity that defined him. They parted just a touch, almost automatically, and so did mine.
I moved my tongue forward.
And then it was over.
“What the fuck?” said Julian, leaping to his feet and stumbling back toward the wall, almost tripping over his own feet as he did so. He didn’t sound so much angry as utterly bewildered.
“I can’t marry her, Julian,” I said, looking across at him and feeling braver now than I ever had before. “I’m not in love with her.”
“What are you talking about? Is this a joke?”
“I’m not in love with her,” I insisted. “I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember. Since that first moment I came downstairs in Dartmouth Square and saw you sitting in the hallway. All the way through our school days. And every day since.”
He stared at me, the pieces starting to fall into place, and he turned away, looking out the sacristy window to the gardens beyond. I said nothing, my heart pounding so hard within my chest that it felt as if I might be having a heart attack. And yet I didn’t feel frightened. I felt instead as if a great burden had finally been lifted from my shoulders. I felt excited. And free. Because there was no way that he would allow me to marry his sister now. Not knowing what he knew. Whatever happened next might be painful but at least I would not be condemning myself to a lifetime with a woman for whom I felt no desire.
“You’re a queer,” he said, turning back to me, his tone lost somewhere between a question and a statement.
“I suppose so, yes,” I said. “If you want to put it like that.”
“Since when?”
“Since always. I don’t have any interest in women at all, that’s the truth of it. I never have had. I’ve only ever…you know, done it with men. Well, except for once a few weeks ago, with Alice. She wanted to. I didn’t. But I thought it was worth trying.”
“Are you telling me that you’ve had sex with men?” he asked, and I was surprised to hear such disbelief in his voice. He who could scarcely get through twenty-four hours without fucking someone.
“Of course I have,” I said. “I’m not a total eunuch, you know.”