Laura returned to Daniel’s spacious, sunny private room and sat quietly by his bed. She’d tried, she’d really done all she could, but it seemed it wasn’t enough. She took his hand and her heart broke. Brittle for so long, it shattered into a thousand tiny pieces that splintered and tore at her insides.
That was it. That was all she had left of him. After twenty-four years, she had perhaps one or two days of him, just lying there, pale, unresponsive, helpless. She suddenly had an overwhelming sense she didn’t want to share him. It was the same when he was first born: she couldn’t stand people holding him for too long; it felt unnatural being parted from him, even though he was just across the room. She wasn’t able to sit still – she would flex her arms agitatedly, fight the impulse just to pluck him back from Howard’s cooing mother, who always left Daniel reeking of her perfume so that she had to bath him. She wanted him back in her arms. She wanted to cherish every second of these last days, eke them out, even though she knew the sand would be running through the timer. But Cherry was back tomorrow, and when she heard the news, she would want to see him. Laura couldn’t stand the idea of her being near her beloved son. She didn’t even want to hear her ask to visit him, or have her come to the hospital and beg with the staff. Cherry had taken so much of Daniel away from her that the thought of her encroaching on these last few hours filled her with a desperate, raging fury. But she knew she would. Deep down, Laura knew that even if she asked her to stay away, even if she explained how she felt about needing to be alone with him, Cherry would still want to come. The finality of it suddenly hit Laura, and clutching his hand, she wept on his bed like she’d never wept before.
It was late when Laura got back home and Moses, unaware of all that was going on in her wretched life, rubbed himself round her legs. He was hungry. Laura had come back to feed him and to pack a few essentials. The cab was waiting outside for her, ready to take her back to the hospital. Howard was there now, but he would take a break when she arrived, and she planned on spending the night there.
She opened a tin of cat food and had barely put it on the floor before Moses was wolfing it down, purring as he did so. Next, she went upstairs to grab what she’d need for the night. She packed some pyjamas, a toothbrush and wash things. Also a change of clothes.
It came to her in a breathtaking moment. She stood bolt upright in front of the wardrobe, clutching a fresh shirt, and a cold shiver raced through her body. This was it. It was bleak, hideous, but it was a way out. The only way out. She paced up and down, shaking, wondering if she could do it. But now the thought was in her mind, her feet had been uprooted and she was carried along by a current she couldn’t fight.
She would do it tomorrow.
TWENTY-SEVEN
Monday 2 March
I love my son. That was all that counted. It didn’t matter that she was about to do something heinous. An opportunity had been granted to her, a beacon of light through the devastating last few months, and Laura knew she had to take that opportunity. She’d agonized over it for hours, but now the decision was final, she felt a wave of terror at what she had to say. The words that were going to break her into pieces. This was the first time. She briefly considered rehearsing it, but the words – the word – wouldn’t form properly in her head; her instinct was to bat it away violently.
Crossing to the sink in the en-suite bathroom just off his private room at the hospital, she looked at herself in the mirror hanging above. A brief check that her soul was still intact through her worn blue eyes reassured her. No flashing green irises, no demonic pinhole pupils. She looked tired, though, and was shocked to see how much she’d aged. There were more lines around her eyes and mouth. There was also a sadness, a haunting despair, which she had desperately tried to keep at bay with this new, expensive hospital, the best doctors she could find and brittle hope. For a moment she forgot about what she was going to do and thought only about what was soon to happen. The heartbreak was a physical force that made her double over, clutching the sink. After a few seconds, she stood. Nothing had changed.
Cherry was back today. Laura had checked and flights from Mexico usually arrived at Heathrow early in the morning. She looked at her watch. Maybe she’d be back in her flat in Tooting by now.
A lump formed in her throat as she held her phone, but she swallowed hard. She had to get this right. Any mother would do the same, she reminded herself again and again, a mantra to get her through it.
She dialled the number carefully. She went cold then clammy in alternate waves, buffeted around by her agony. Her life was soon to end. The life that had meaning. Holding the phone with two hands to stop them shaking, she waited for the rings in her ear to be terminated.
At last they stopped and the voice that answered sounded curious, unknowing. No wonder, as Laura had never rung her before and her number wouldn’t be recognized.
‘Hello?’
‘Is that Cherry?’
‘Speaking.’
‘Cherry, it’s Laura Cavendish.’
There was a brief silence. Laura knew that Cherry was running through her brain, trying to work out why she was calling.
‘Cherry, I’m afraid I’m ringing with some bad news . . . Daniel died a few days ago.’ Oh God, it hurt, it hurt. She squeezed her eyes tightly, but it didn’t stop the flow of tears.
There was a stunned silence from the other end of the phone, then: ‘What?’
‘He had a heart attack, one of several, actually, and he was admitted back to the Chelsea and Westminster. They were unable to save him.’
More silence.
‘I know it’s a lot to take in . . .’
‘Why didn’t you call me?’
‘I knew you wanted to get some rest . . . and it didn’t seem fair when you’d only just gone away. I’m sorry – it was a difficult decision, but I thought it best.’
‘I see.’ It was the statement of someone who didn’t know what to say, who still hadn’t fully processed what they were being told.
Laura caught a glance of her reflection in the mirror; the anguish it showed on her face was real. Her heart was hammering and she just wanted it to be over.
‘When’s the funeral?’
Laura felt her chest tighten in apprehension. ‘We’ve already had it. It was family only.’
If Laura had been able to see how much this ultimate banishment had hurt Cherry, the guilt on her own face might have given her away.
When Laura put the phone down, she felt empty. No relief, no gleeful triumph at having got Cherry off her back. But she also felt a kind of peace. Now she could go and say goodbye to Daniel. The doctors didn’t know when might be his last moment and she didn’t want it to take them by surprise before she’d said all she wanted to say to him.