The Friends We Keep

Which left only Switzerland, she thought, as she stepped out of the shower. As she reached for her towel, she was careful to hang on to the counter with her other hand. She got dizzy so easily. It was the blood loss from her last miscarriage. And the one before. The toll the drugs had taken on her system.

She dried off and dressed, careful not to look at herself in the mirror. She knew what she would see. Too many bones sticking out. Unnaturally pale flesh. Shadows under her eyes. A few weeks ago a lady had stopped her at the grocery store. The older woman had squeezed her hand and said she would say a prayer for her recovery. It took her a minute to realize the other woman thought she had cancer.

Nothing that drastic, she thought as she left the bathroom and walked to the kitchen and started the coffeemaker. Except for her body’s stubborn refusal to carry a fetus to term and her stubborn refusal to accept that, she was golden. Cancer would have been a whole lot easier.

While the coffee brewed, she put the blender on the counter and began her morning ritual. Rich coconut milk went in first, followed by a double dose of high-grade protein powder. She added flaxseeds, avocado, blueberries and a few other powders designed to help her body heal, then flipped the switch and waited while the concoction melded into something not the least bit like food.

She glanced at her phone and saw she had a text from Gabby. The other woman was checking in to say hi. Hayley answered her, then put her phone back on the counter.

Rob walked into the kitchen.

“Morning,” he said as he walked to the coffeemaker. “You sleep okay?”

“Uh-huh. You?”

“Like a log.” He poured himself a mug, then took a sip. “You’re going in to work today?”

“Just for a few hours. I’m not staying for any sessions.”

She had a second job helping her sister with Supper’s in the Bag. She went in early and did all the chopping and arranging. Mostly she was paid in dinners, but that was okay. It meant money they didn’t have to spend on groceries. For the past four years, every dollar not necessary for survival had gone into their baby fund. Defying God was neither cheap nor easy.

“You okay?” Rob asked.

She wanted to scream at him. To cry out that no, she wasn’t okay. She was destroyed. She’d trusted Dr. Pearce, had expected her to help. Now the doctor had betrayed her, as had her body. She was alone, desperate, scared. There was only one hope left and it was thousands of miles, not to mention a continent, away.

But she didn’t say any of that. Because she knew that a happy marriage was good for a baby’s well-being. She and Rob had to stay strong. Had to be a family unit.

“I’m all right. It’s hard.”

“I know, babe.” Rob crossed to her and drew her against him.

He was warm and solid, she thought, leaning in to the embrace. Most days she was neither. She seemed to live a half life, waiting for what was really important. Waiting to have her baby.

He’d always supported her, she reminded herself. Even when he hadn’t understood, he’d been there. He hadn’t judged. He’d gotten a second job to help pay for the treatments, he’d gotten her ice chips when the hormone shots had made her so sick she couldn’t eat or drink for days, he’d cleaned up gushes of blood from her miscarriages.

The fact that he didn’t want a biological child the way she did wasn’t his fault. He didn’t get it. No matter how many times she tried to explain, he couldn’t possibly know that adoptive parents simply didn’t love their adopted children the same. But she knew. She knew what it was like to be the other. The one who didn’t fit in, physically or emotionally. She knew what it was like to be the decision that was later regretted.

“I’m sorry,” he told her. “For all of it. Do you want to talk to someone?”

“Like a psychologist?”

“Uh-huh.”

She looked up at him. Was he insane? That was expensive. Even with their insurance, there would be co-pays. “I’m fine.”

“I worry about you.”

“Don’t. Physically, I feel great. Stronger every day.”

She waited for him to call her on her lies, but he didn’t. Instead he reached for his coffee again.

“I’m telling Russ I’m quitting.”

She poured her protein drink into the tall glass she used. It gave her something to do so she didn’t turn on him and scream.

“Okay,” she said slowly, when what she really meant was How could you?

“I’d like us to spend some time together, Hayley. I never see you. We’re both working so much.”

The translation was, they didn’t need the extra money anymore. If there weren’t fertility drugs and IVF and every other thing they’d tried, then they were fine, financially. Not rich, but comfortable. They could get by with them each working just one job.

She thought about the clinic information she’d hidden at the back of the closet. About how she checked flights to Switzerland nearly every day, hoping for a seat sale. That she’d already found a hotel where they were going to stay while she was at the clinic. It was close and cheap—both good because while Rob would only be there for a few days, she would have to stay at least two months.