The Friends We Keep

“I had a bad dream,” she whispered, breathing in the familiar scent of him. “You were gone.” Because gone was so much easier to say than what she’d actually thought in the dream. That he was dead.

The babies she’d been unable to carry had been faceless. Real in her heart, but imagining them had been difficult. All their promise had been in the future. But Rob was different. He was now. To lose him was to lose everything.

He stroked her back. “I’m right here, honey. I’m sorry my meeting ran late.”

She held back tears, knowing he wouldn’t understand them. “I was reading and I guess I fell asleep,” she whispered.

Her heartbeat slowed and the taste of fear receded. He drew back and looked at her.

“Better?”

She nodded. “You must be hungry.”

“Starved.”

They went into the kitchen where she heated some pot roast and the vegetables from their dinner the previous night. Rob loosened his tie as she worked and put his suit jacket over a chair.

“The service reports are good,” he said, sounding pleased. “Customer satisfaction is up twenty-three percent from this time last year.”

She clapped her hands together. “That’s fantastic and all you, right?”

“Yeah. They’re happy with me.” He grinned. “We’re getting a raise. A big one. Plus a bonus. Want to go to Fiji?”

She ran over and hugged him. “I’m so proud of you. Not surprised at all, but very proud.”

“Thanks, Hayley.”

He kissed her. “I’m serious about the trip. Want to go somewhere?”

She thought about how long it had been since they’d taken a vacation. They couldn’t because all their money went toward fertility treatments.

“Maybe not Fiji,” she told him. “But yes, let’s take a few days off together.” She tilted her head. “Then maybe we can talk to a contractor about the kitchen. I still want to fix up the house, if you do.”

“Sure. Kitchen, then bathrooms.”

The microwave beeped. She checked his dinner, then put it back in for a couple of minutes more. When she turned back to him, she saw he wasn’t smiling anymore.

“What?” she asked.

“I was thinking. About kids.”

Her bubble of happiness burst. She tucked her arms behind herself and grabbed hold of the counter. “What about them?”

“Are you still against adopting?”

There it was. The inevitable question she’d been dreading. “I don’t know. It scares me, because of what happened in my family.” She held up a hand before he could speak. “I know my parents loved me. I know Morgan is a bitch and that’s why she got all the attention.”

His brows rose. “Are you sure?”

“I’ve been thinking about it a lot. About her and how things were. I think some of what I felt was real, but some of it was a story I told myself.”

The microwave beeped again but they both ignored it.

“I need more time,” she admitted. “Before I can put all the past behind me, but I’m trying, Rob. I know you want children and you don’t care that much if they’re yours or not.”

He nodded slowly.

“I’m trying to get there. I want to get there.”

He relaxed. “That’s good to hear. We’re not in a rush, Hayley. It’ll happen. In the meantime, I want to look into ways to work with children. Maybe as a coach or scouting or something.”

“You’d be great at that. Kids like you.”

“I enjoy spending time with them.”

She pulled his dinner from the microwave and set the plate on the table. “There are a lot of organizations that need volunteers,” she said. “Maybe we can look together.”

“I’d like that.”

It wasn’t having a baby. She would never have that. But it was time with Rob and if she kept busy enough, the pain wasn’t so loud. She also liked children. Being with Morgan’s had been fun. If she avoided babies and reminded herself that healing, like life, was a journey, not a destination, then she would keep moving forward. And one day, she would realize the hole in her heart had filled in just enough to be survivable.

*

Gabby told herself she was fine. That the weird shaking feeling was just because she was tired, nothing more. She was still in her first month of work—there was no way she could call in sick.

“No work tonight,” she promised herself as she parked and walked toward the office building. She wouldn’t take anything home. Instead she would make an easy and early evening of it. With Andrew out of town, it would be girls only. Maybe a Disney movie-fest and pizza.

While she was sure the girls would love the idea, she had to admit that the thought of pizza made her stomach flip over a couple of times. She shook off the sensation and went up to the third floor.

She managed to get through a short meeting on upcoming state immigration legislation without groaning out loud. The churning in her stomach didn’t seem to be going away. She circled by the vending machine and got a Sprite, hoping that would settle things down. She had a headache as well, and a general feeling of exhaustion.