My butt meets the wood of the shower bench and I grimace, hating needing it. I was hoping today would be the day I’d be able to stand while I have a shower. “I feel like an invalid,” I grumble, watching Jack drop to his knees before me.
“You are,” he points out, making my face screw up more. He takes the sponge and wets it under the spray, adding some shower gel. He clasps my ankle and gently lifts, keeping a cautious eye on my face for any hints of pain. “You good?” he asks, just to be sure, and I nod. “Good.” He starts soaping me down. “Want me to shave your legs?”
I look down at my legs, reaching to smooth up my skin. I’ve been trying to shave, but with limited movement comes limited reach. “Please.” I can’t believe we’re at this place in our relationship already, but Jack’s completely unperturbed by the task and happily fetches the razor and starts gently running it up my leg in precise, gentle strokes. “Our love has reached a whole new level,” I muse to myself, seeing his mouth stretch into a smile as he carries on with his self-appointed job.
“Our love is the greatest kind, Annie.” He finishes up and washes the remnants of soap away, running his palms down my legs to check his handiwork. “Perfect,” he says, looking up at me. I suspect he’s not talking about how good a job he’s done of shaving my legs. He’s talking about our love.
I reach forward and feel his bristly jaw. “Perfect,” I counter.
He turns his mouth into my hand and kisses it gently, breathing in and closing his eyes. “I love you.”
I inch forward on the bench, wanting to get closer to him. He’s having none of it, holding me back. “I want to hold you.”
“Then I’ll come to you.” He walks forward on his knees and places his hands on my thighs, looking at me for an okay. I open my legs in reply and reach for his shoulders, pulling him in and constricting my thighs as much as my body will allow before it hurts. “Careful,” he warns, his wet chest meeting mine, my face sinking into his neck, his face into mine. We both hum. “God, that feels good,” he sighs.
It so does. Warm. Comforting. Right. We stay there for ages, locked together, enjoying the first proper cuddle we’ve had in too long. Nothing hurts me. I have no space for anything other than appreciation. I could stay here forever, so content in his arms, so when he starts to break away, I grumble and cling to him even more tightly.
“I thought you wanted to brave the big, wide world,” he says, nudging my face from his neck with some determined effort.
“I’ve changed my mind. Let’s just stay here.”
“Forever?”
“Yes.”
He laughs. “Someone’s decisive today. How about I promise to hold you all night long?”
“As opposed to lying on the edge of the bed as far away as possible from me?”
“I was afraid I’d knock you in my sleep.” He pushes himself up and retrieves the shampoo.
“I feel better after five minutes of you holding me than I have after six weeks of being static.”
He pauses with the bottle upside down, looking at me. I shrug. It’s the truth. He has a healing touch. “Then I’ll hold you all night,” Jack declares.
“What about tomorrow night?”
“And then, too.”
“And the next night?”
“Annie, I’m going to hold you every night for the rest of our lives together.” His hands come to my dark hair and massage, working it up into suds. “And I’ll be thankful every minute that I can.”
I fall into total bliss, feeling Jack’s hands working tenderly through my hair, like he could be handling the most fragile of things. I guess right now he is. “You must be sick of seeing me looking such a wreck,” I sigh. I’ve forgotten what makeup is, and I’ve been in slobby clothes for weeks.
“You look beautiful every day,” he says, simple as that. “Be quiet.”
I obey and let him take care of me, having to keep my eyes closed. His naked lower stomach is at perfect eye level, and if I drop my eyes a little, something else. I know I’m not ready for that, so taunting myself would only add to my fading pain.
“Up you come.” Jack slips his arm around my waist and lifts. “Easy.”
I wince and hiss and ooh my way up, after just a few minutes on my arse. I begrudgingly admit that I have a way to go yet until I’m fighting fit. “Thank you.”
He doesn’t acknowledge my graciousness, being quick to wrap me in a towel and help me to the sink. I look at myself in the mirror. I look pasty. Beautiful every day? I scoff and reach for my packet of contraceptive pills, popping one out and bringing it to my mouth.
But the tablet doesn’t make it past my lips.
Because Jack’s palm is wrapped around my wrist, hindering me from putting it there. I look at him in the reflection of the mirror, my eyebrows pinching in the middle. What’s he doing?
“How about you don’t take that,” he says quietly, observing me carefully for my reaction.
I’m thunderstruck. Does he mean…? “Then I’ll likely fall pregnant when you finally give in to my need to have you ASAP.”
His lips twist a little in amusement, still holding my wrist firm. “Like I said, how about you don’t take that.” He tips my hand to the side, and the pill tumbles from my palm and falls into the sink. I look down, watching as it rolls around the drain a few times before disappearing down the black hole. The pill is gone, but I still stare at the porcelain of the sink, trying to wrap my mind around what he’s suggesting.
“Jack, I don’t need you to—” His finger meets my lips and hushes me, his body moving in close to mine.
“I’m not trying to make things right, Annie. Not with a baby, anyway. And I’m not trying to replace the one we’ve lost.” The mention of my miscarriage stings terribly, and he must notice because he encases my cheeks with his big palms and brings my face close to his. “I want to build a life with you,” he says softly. “I feel like I’ve waited forever to feel like this.” His thumbs caress my cheeks, and I close my damn eyes when tears pinch the backs of them. Jack kisses each of my lids in turn, so tenderly. “I want to make babies with you, Annie. Hundreds of them.” I sniff back my emotion. “I want to look at you every day and smile, because I picked you to be the mother of my children. Because I know if I’m to have it all, then I should have it all with you.” I open my eyes and sink into the gray depths of Jack’s. The sadness that was lingering there: it’s nearly gone. “You are my all, Annie Ryan.” He kisses my forehead sweetly. “No more pills.” His kiss tells me so much. It tells me he’ll protect me. It tells me he’ll always be there for me. And it tells me that however wrong people think my choices have been, they were the right choices for me. And for Jack.
“Just give me time,” I whisper.