“But, I didn’t make your lives easy. You went to rehab, Logan. Rehab. I sat with you on your sixteen birthday and we did lines of coke. I fed you my addiction…” She shook her head back and forth. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”
She was so broken. She was so lost. Truth was, she’d been wandering around lost in her mind for as long as I could remember. For so long, I’d been so angry at her. I held so much bitterness for the choices she made, but it wasn’t her fault. She was just running round and round on her own hamster wheel, unable to stop repeating all of her same mistakes.
“We’re all going to be okay, Ma. Don’t worry.” I took her hand in mine, and held on tight.
Just then, the front door flew open and Ricky came barging in.
It was amazing how much my hatred for him still existed the moment I saw him.
“Julie, what the fuck?” he hissed. He looked much different than when I last saw him five years ago, though. He seemed…broken down? Old. Tired. His fancy suits that he used to wear were replaced with sweatpants and T-shirts. His fancy shoes were now sneakers. His once-buff arms weren’t as strong and defined as they’d been before.
I wondered if he was using the stuff he sold.
“You owe me fifty dollars,” he hollered, and paused when he saw me. His head tilted to the left, bewilderment in his stare. “Did a ghost just cross my path?” My chest tightened the same way it always did whenever he came across my path. It only took a moment before his confusion turned into a sinister smirk. He seemed pleased by my return, almost as if he knew I’d be back.
“You know,” he walked toward me, his chest pushed out. “There were rumors going around saying you were back, but I figured it was just bullshit. Now that you’re back, you can come join me in the family business.”
“I’m never going to do that. I’m never going down that road again.”
His eyes narrowed and I watched his serious inhales and exhales. Then he laughed. “I love that. I love that you honestly think that you’re strong enough to stay clean.” He came nose to nose with me, and instead of backing down, I stood tall. I wasn’t afraid of him anymore. I couldn’t be afraid. He pushed my chest with his, trying to make me back down. “But I know you, Logan. I see in your eyes the same weak bitch that resides in your mother. There’s no way you’ll ever manage to keep away.”
I watched tears form in Ma’s eyes as he said that. It had to feel like a dagger to her soul, because all her life all she ever did was love him. She wasted so many years loving a man who loved to control and belittle her.
“Don’t talk about my mom,” I said, standing up for her because she hadn’t a clue how to stand up for herself.
He snickered. “I love your mom. Julie, don’t I love you? She’s my one and only. You’re it for me, baby.”
Mom kind of smiled, as if she believed him.
Something I’d never understand.
He made me sick. “You don’t love her. You love controlling her because it hides the fact that you yourself are nothing but a fucking rat.”
I flinched when I felt his fist contact my eye. “This fucking rat can still kick your ass, little boy. I’m not going to waste any more time on you, though. Julie. Give me my money.”
Her voice shook with fear. “Ricky, I don’t have it right now. I’ll get it though. I just have to…” He went to hit her, and I stepped in front of him, this time blocking his hit.
“So what, you went off to some fancy rehab place and come back thinking you can just step back into this place, Logan?” he asked, annoyed. “Trust me, you don’t want me as your enemy.”
I reached into my pocket and grabbed my wallet, counting out fifty bucks. “Here. Take it and go.”
He cocked an eyebrow. “Did I say fifty? I meant seventy.”
Asshole. I pulled out another twenty, and shoved it at him. He willingly accepted the bills, stuffing it into his pocket. He bent down in front of the lasagna. “You make this, son?” he asked, knowing that calling me son would get under my skin. He took a spoonful of the food, then spit it out, back into the pan, ruining the whole thing. “Tastes like ass.”
“Ricky,” Ma said, going to defend me, but he shot her a look that shut her up.
He stole her voice so long ago, and she had no clue how to find it. “You act like I don’t take care of you, Julie. That’s really offensive. Don’t forget who was there for you when this boy walked out and left you. And you wonder why it’s so hard for me to love you. You betray me every second you get.”
Her head lowered.
“And this? Him bringing you food and groceries? That doesn’t mean he cares about you, Julie.” He opened the cabinets and the refrigerator, grabbing all of the food I bought for Ma, opening each item, and dumping them into a pile on the floor. I wanted to stop him, but Ma told me to say quiet. He opened a box of cereal, locked eyes with me, and slowly poured it on top of everything on the ground, before opening a gallon of milk and doing the same exact thing.
He then walked over it with his sneakers, and headed to the front door. “I’m going to handle some business,” he said with a smirk. “And Julie?”
“Yeah?” she whispered, a tremble in her body.