“Just go, Alyssa. And don’t come back.”
I swallowed hard, my throat dry.
Say anything but that.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Logan
A few weeks had passed since I’d come home to be with Kellan. He’d been through two rounds of chemotherapy and seemed to be himself, although maybe a bit moody. He tended to grow a little annoyed with how Erika helped him with his medicine and checked in with him every second of every day. She was breathing down his neck, and if I were honest, I’d say that I was thankful for it. I knew it annoyed him, her nonstop nagging, but it made me feel some level of peace, knowing he had such good care.
The wedding was supposed to happen last weekend, but they put it off until the coming month. I wondered how often it’d be moved and rearranged. I knew Kellan was the one pushing it off, because of his reservations about his illness.
On Thursday, he gave me money to go buy Ma some groceries. When I went to her house, I brought cleaning supplies with me. The house was trashed. Ma was passed out on the sofa, and I didn’t bother to wake her. If she was sleeping, she wasn’t using.
It was crazy to me how angelic she looked while she slept. It was as if the demons of her mind went to rest, and her true self came out. I stocked the refrigerator and cabinets with food that wouldn’t spoil quickly. I wasn’t certain how much she’d be eating, but that way she could pick at things without it going bad too fast.
I also made her a lasagna. One of my favorite memories of her was when she decided she wanted to get clean, and she asked me to make her a celebratory dinner before she checked herself into rehab. We laughed, we ate, and we had a moment of what our lives could’ve been, if we both were clean.
When she left the house, she ran into my Dad, and rehab became a distant memory for her.
I cleaned the apartment from top to bottom, even getting on my knees to scrub the carpet. I walked all of her clothes down to the laundromat, and while they washed, I went back to her apartment and cleaned some more.
She didn’t wake until I was back at the apartment, folding her clean clothes while sitting on the floor. As she sat up, she yawned. “I thought it was a dream that you were here the other day.”
I gave her half a smile. She gave me the other half as she rubbed her slim arms.
“You cleaned the place?”
“Yeah. I got some food and washed your clothes, too.”
Her eyes filled with tears and she kept smiling. “You look good, boy.” She nodded over and over again, tears falling down her cheeks. She didn’t wipe the tears away, allowing them to fall against her chin. “You look so good.” Guilt took over as she scratched at her skin. “I knew you could do it, Logan. I knew you could get clean. Sometimes I wish…” Her words faded off.
“It’s not too late, you know, Ma. We can get you into a program. We can get you clean, too.” I didn’t know it still existed in me—that spark of hope I always held for her. I wanted her to get away from all of this world. There was still a small part of my soul that wanted to get us both a house, away from the place that created so much horror for us both.
For a second, it looked like she was considering it, too. But then she blinked, and started scratching herself again. “I’m old, Logan. I’m old. Come here.” I walked over, and sat on the couch beside her. She took my hands into hers and smiled. “I’m so proud of you.”
“Thanks, Ma. Are you hungry?”
“Yeah,” she said. I was somewhat surprised.
I tossed the lasagna into the oven, and when it finished we sat at the dining room table, eating it straight out of the pan. I wished I could’ve locked this moment into my heart and never let it leave.
As she ate, tears kept falling down her face.
“You’re crying,” I said.
“Am I?” She wiped at her face. She gave me another smile. But it was such a broken grin. “How’s Kellan?” she asked.
“Did you know about the…”
She nodded.
“He’s okay. He asked me to come to a therapy meeting with him next week. He’s going to beat this, ya know. He’s tough.”
“Yeah,” she murmured, eating more than I’d seen her eat in a long time. “Yeah. He’s strong. He’s strong.” The tears started falling faster down her cheeks, and I wiped them away. “It’s my fault though, you know. I did this to him… I was a shit mother. I wasn’t there for you boys.”
“Ma. Come on.” I wasn’t sure what to say, how to make her stop the tears.
“It’s true. You know it. I messed up. I did this.”
“You didn’t give him cancer.”