“I really fucking wish you guys would stop saying ‘come on’ as if you’re better than me. You’re not better than me.” I laughed sarcastically, trying to sit up a bit. I was growing defensive, because deep inside of me, I knew they were right. “It’s comical, actually. Because here we are talking about me being screwed up in the head when we are sitting in a room filled with people who are just as fucked up, if not more, than I am. Kellan here can’t even stand up to his dick of a father to let him know that he wants to be a musician instead of a lawyer. Jacob has an addiction to weird damn porn that involves forks and shit. Erika breaks one plate and buys fifty to replace them, just in fucking case the new one shatters too. Does no one else find her break and buy lifestyle insane?”
“I think we all just want you to get better, Logan,” Kellan said. I wondered if Kellan’s heartbeats were as frantic as mine currently were. “I can only imagine what you’ve been through with staying with Ma. I doubt she makes it easy to stay clean.”
“You must be feeling pretty good,” I said, brushing my finger beneath my nose. “Because you’re Kellan, the golden child. The one with the rich father. The one with a future. The one with a full ride to a top college to become a top lawyer. And I’m just the fucked-up brother with a crackhead mother and a drug dealing father. Well, congratulations, Kellan. You’re the winner. You are mom’s better son who made something of himself, and I’m just a pathetic piece of shit kid who will probably be dead by twenty-five.”
Kellan took in a pained breath. “Why would you ever even say that kind of shit?” His nose flared as he paced the hospital room. “What’s wrong with you, Logan? Wake up. Wake up. We’re all trying to help you and you’re yelling at us as if we are the enemy, when in reality the enemy is your own mind. You’re killing yourself. You’re fucking killing yourself and you don’t care,” he shouted. Kellan never raised his voice—never.
I went to say something, but Kellan’s stare stopped me. He narrowed his eyes at me, and I swore for a second I saw a glimpse of hatred.
His hands rubbed against his face over and over again as he tried to calm himself. When he spoke, he sniffled to hold back his own emotion. He tossed the pamphlets toward me, and when they landed in my lap, I read the words over and over again.
St. Michaels Health and Rehabilitation Clinic.
Waterloo, Iowa.
“Rehab?” I said. “You think I need rehab? You all think I need rehab? I’m fine.”
“You drove a car into a building,” Erika recited again for the hundredth time.
“It was an accident, Erika! Haven’t you ever made a mistake!”
“Yes, Logan. But not one that almost killed my boyfriend and sister. You’re a complete mess, and if you don’t get help, you’ll hurt more people than you already have.”
Where’s High?
“Listen, we are getting off track. Logan. We want to help. My dad will pay for your stay in Iowa. It’s one of the best facilities in the country. I think you could really get the help you need,” Kellan explained.
I opened my mouth to say something again, but Kellan caught my action. He narrowed his eyes at me, and I swore for a second I saw a glimpse of love.
A glimpse of hope.
A glimpse of pleading.
“Can I talk to my brother alone?” I whispered, closing my eyes. Everyone else in the room left, closing the door behind me. “I’m sorry, Kel,” I said, fiddling with my fingers. “I didn’t mean to cause the accident. I didn’t mean to. But after Alyssa said she was having an abortion—”
“What?” Kellan cut in.
“You didn’t know? Alyssa was pregnant. But she had an abortion a few weeks ago. Her mom took her, and it fucked with my mind, Kel. I know that I’ve been off these past few weeks, but my mind is messed up.”
“Logan…” Kellan moved in closer, pulling a chair up to the side of my bed. “She didn’t have an abortion.”
“What?” My heart started racing, and my fingers gripped the railing on the bed frame. “But her mom said—”
“Her mom kicked her out when Alyssa told her she was going to keep the baby. She wanted to tell you, but you freaking disappeared.”
I sat up, in pain, but filled with hope. “She didn’t do it?”
His stare fell to his hands, which were clasped together. “No.”
“So…” I choked on the emotions running through me. “I’m going to be a dad?”
“Logan,” Kellan said, shaking his head. His mouth parted, but he didn’t say anything for a moment. He brushed his hands against his temple. “During the car accident, she wasn’t wearing her seatbelt. When you went to grab the wheel, she went to grab you. When the collision happened, she flew up and out of the back window when it shattered.”
“No.” I shook my head.
“She’s okay, but…”
“Don’t, Kellan.”
“Logan. She lost the baby.”
My thumbs pressed against my eyes to hold back the tears. “Don’t say that, Kel. Don’t say that.” I shoved him. “Don’t say that to me.”
“I’m so sorry, Logan.”
I began to sob into the palms of my hands, shaking hysterically. I did it. I caused the accident, I did this. It’s all my fault. Kellan wrapped his arms around me as I fell apart, unable to speak any words, unable to stop the hurt, unable to breathe. Each inhale felt painful, each exhale, a chore.
Chapter Thirteen
Alyssa