But that’s gone now, and there’s only one place I can go to get some sense of assurance that everything is going to be okay even though I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it won’t ever be okay again.
Nothing will ever be okay if Taylor isn’t here, lighting up the earth.
By the time Cam and Eddie drove me to my apartment, the sun was starting to rise. We’d been at the hospital all night. They had wanted to stay with me, but I told them that I wanted to be alone.
And, at that moment, I did. I wanted to be alone with my pain. I wanted to be alone to think. To try to make sense of all this.
But, when I walked inside my apartment, she was everywhere. On every surface. Every smell and sound…her.
I could hear the echo of her voice and laughter. The feel of her body pressed against mine. Her scent…her everything.
In such a small space of time, she had consumed my mind and body. She had become what life should be about.
And I lost it.
Desolation hit me, and I had never felt more alone than I did in that moment.
Still do now.
So, without even showering or changing, I left my apartment.
I walked the streets of London for hours, watching people heading to work, shops opening up. All I could think of was the bus tour of London that we did.
I walked into Hyde Park, the fair long gone. The memory of being there with her is forever embedded in my mind.
I left the park, and all that was in my head was, She’s here, lying in a hospital bed in my city.
I had left my apartment to get away from the loneliness, from her, and she was everywhere.
So, I went back to my apartment and got my car keys. I climbed in my car and started driving to the only place that’d ever filled that emptiness inside me. To the one person who had never let me down.
When I pull up outside Hunter Hall, I expect to feel a little better, but I don’t.
Because all I remember is being here with her.
I was stupid to think I could escape by coming here.
My grandpa is already out the front door and walking over to me, like he knew I was coming.
He probably did. There are security cameras everywhere.
I turn the engine off. Taking a deep breath, I get out of my car.
I don’t move. I can’t move. So, I just stand there.
“Liam?”
I hear the concern in his voice as he approaches me because I never just turn up like this. I always call to tell him I’m coming. And I must look a fucking mess. I haven’t shaved, and my clothes are wrinkled.
“Liam, what’s wrong?” His voice takes a stern edge.
I know it’s because he’s worried, but I don’t know how to say this.
He stops before me. “Talk to me.”
I can feel those fucking tears fighting to get out again. I take in a deep gulp of air. It even hurts to breathe. I lift my eyes to look at him. “I don’t know what to do, Grandpa. I need your help…because I don’t know what to do.”
Concern flickers over his face. And then he does what he always does. He wraps his arms around me. “I’m here,” he says. “Whatever it is, we’ll fix it.”
I try to feel comfort in his hold. I try to soak up his reassurance, but it doesn’t work. Because I know it’s not true. No one can fix this.
Only Taylor.
And she doesn’t want to be fixed.
“Let’s get you inside.” His arm is around me, guiding me into the house. “Archie, can you make coffee?” Grandpa calls to him. “Or do you want something stronger?” he asks me.
Only my grandpa would suggest alcohol at ten thirty in the morning.
That actually manages to lift the corners of my lips.
“Coffee’s fine,” I tell him.
“We’ll be in the sitting room,” he hollers to Archie.
“I’ll bring it through,” Archie calls back from somewhere in the house.
Grandpa steers me into the sitting room and down into an armchair, and I let him because I don’t have the strength right now to do anything myself. It took everything I had to drive here.
He takes the armchair opposite me. “Tell me what happened.”
My grandpa doesn’t beat around the bush. He’s always been a straight-to-the-point man—just like I am.
So, I tell him everything, only pausing when Archie brings in the coffee. I tell Grandpa about Taylor—her list…what happened to her family. I tell him about me asking Taylor to stay in London with me. About her collapsing in Cam’s bar, going to the hospital…the tumor…and lastly, the conversation I had with her before I left.
I tell him that she wants to die.
He lets out a long breath. “Liam, if Taylor wanted to die…really and truly die, she would have done it long ago.”
“What?” I stare at him.
“Look, this is going to sound harsh, but if a person really wants to kill themselves, they’ll do it and make sure it sticks. People throw themselves off of bridges and under trains and swallow a handful of pills to ensure they don’t have to live.”