The Dead House

(AL): I’m pleased to hear that you ate… but you know that a salad really isn’t enough nourishment for the day.

[Pause]




(CJ): I know. Actually, I’m starving.




(AL): I have cookies. Would you have one?




(CJ): Okay.

[Rustling of plastic.]




(CJ): Thanks.




(AL): This is remarkable progress. Are you sure this is Carly I’m speaking to?




(CJ): You think I’m Kaitlyn?




(AL): Or maybe a new alter ego altogether. If you are, you’re welcome to speak.




(CJ): I’m Carly.




(AL): Kaitlyn, I know it’s you.




(CJ): [Pause] Then why ask what I ate? I know they report everything she eats to you.




(AL): It isn’t as prison-like as you make it sound. Carly doesn’t eat. We all know that.

[Silence]




(CJ): My answer told you who I was.




(AL): So why don’t you be honest with me, huh? Tell me how you are.




(CJ): [Mumbled incoherence]




(AL): Yes, I do care, Kaitlyn. About you, about Carly. Once upon a time, you trusted me, and I did everything I could to help you. Remember?




(CJ): You keep secrets from me. You won’t tell me what happened that night. You won’t tell me.




(AL): We’ve spoken about this. Carly isn’t ready to know what happened. Neither are you. You both need to work towards it. You need to integrate. [Pause] It’s been a while since you mentioned the Voice. Tell me what’s been happening with him.




(CJ): Why? So you can tick “crazy” on your little forms? So you can tick “Communicative”? So you can go home to Mr. Lansing and your perfect daughter and laugh about your demented patient?




(AL): Kaitlyn, you know I’d never do that.

[Silence]

Besides, Margo’s not perfect. [Pause] [Sigh] She was just suspended for mooning her English professor.




(CJ): No way, don’t lie. You’re totally fucking shitting me!




(AL): Don’t swear, please. And no, I’m not.




(CJ): [Laughing] Oh, my God!




(AL): So. The Voice—your Aka Manah. Has he been bugging you?




(CJ): You know already. I don’t like to talk about him. You think he’s a construct. You think he’s not real.




(AL): Tell me why you chose to call the voice Aka Manah. Why that name?




(CJ): That’s just his name. Arcane. Scary. Which is what he is.




(AL): And if I told you that in Zoroastrian mythology, Aka Manah was associated with evil thought? That, traditionally speaking, he was a kind of demon known to affect the mind? The thinking of people?




(CJ): So?




(AL): Don’t you think it’s telling? You give your auditory hallucination a name that implies he’s in the mind, influencing the mind? You have control over that. And this is a clue.




(CJ): A clue to what?




(AL): A clue telling you—begging you to see—that Aka Manah isn’t real.

[Silence]




(CJ): I’ll just agree with you, shall I? Get it over with?




(AL): Kaitie, I can’t help you unless you’re honest with me. Unless you try. We were friends once, right?

[Pause]




(CJ): Once.




(AL): Please.

[Pause]




(CJ): [Whispering] Aka Manah used to be far away… I could tell because he shouted at me. I didn’t really feel him around me. Now… sometimes…

[Silence]




(AL): Sometimes? [Gently] What, Kaitlyn?

[Rustling]

Kaitlyn, use your words. You can do it.




(CJ): I don’t want to talk about him. He’ll hear me.




(AL): Is he here now? [Pause] How do you know he’s here?




(CJ): [Barely audible] He’s closer. He’ll hear you.




(AL): How do you know? Is he shouting at you?




(CJ): [Barely audible] No. He’s whispering.




(AL): Whispering at you? Right now?




(CJ): [Whispering] No… at you.

[Silence]




(AL): I see.




(CJ): Sometimes…

[Silence]

Sometimes I can feel him… his breath on me. But sometimes it’s worse. I can feel him… inside me.

[Silence]




(AL): Kaitlyn, enough.

[Rustling]

Kaitlyn, enough. This isn’t a game.

[Silence]




(CJ): Screw you, Lansy-pants. You never listen.




(AL): I think that will do for this evening.




(CJ): I want to see Jaime.




(AL): That’s enough for this evening.




(CJ): I said that I want to see Jaime! I’m entitled to see my little sister every month. It’s been three.




(AL): Kaitlyn, that is enough.

[Scraping of chair, followed by footsteps receding]




(CJ): [From a distance] You never listen! You can’t stop her from visiting. Keep trying that, and you’ll see what you push me to!

[End of tape]





Dr. Lansing Therapy Notes

Session #45: Carly/Kaitlyn Johnson