I walked over to your wash basket, knowing I’d find nothing in there but desperate to smell you. I hadn’t been able to bring myself to do any of your washing yet. Picking up an orange hoody of yours, I held it to my nose. Inhaled. It smelled wonderfully of you, in a way you no longer did in the hospital, where you were too full of chemicals and surrounded by disinfectant.
Tears were threatening to overtake me once more, and that couldn’t be allowed. There was a job to do. Gasping like a marathon runner, I walked over to the window to escape the pain. From this vantage point I could see straight into the village primary school playground, with its painted wiggly lines. When you’d attended, I had often gone there, standing just a little back so that no one would see me watching my daughter play. Chase, tag, skipping, ball, racing around with your golden blonde hair streaming messily behind you, or in corners, whispering conspiratorially with your friends.
Oh, Beth, will I ever see you chatting again?
My despair was not simply an emotion; it was a physical being. It smothered and choked. It fogged my head, and sat on my chest until I could barely breathe. It weighed me down until I slumped over the windowsill.
I had to do something. I didn’t know what, but if I didn’t do something I would go mad. I had researched on the Internet, trying to find something doctors might have overlooked, some new breakthrough in treatment for your kind of injury. All I had discovered was that doctors at St James’s Hospital genuinely were doing everything they could. Now the only option left was to keep pushing on with trying to find your attacker.
Full of purpose, I turned back to the room, ready to search again, and accidentally kicked the skirting board beneath the radiator at the window. A section clattered to the floor. Good grief. Like me, this place was falling apart.
I got on my hands and knees to pop it back. Was that… ? Yes, a notebook was pushed into a recess that was usually hidden by the board. A pink Moleskine, like Glenn’s. They were identical. My heart was hammering like crazy as I eased it out and opened it up. The handwriting inside was instantly recognisable as yours, Beth.
When he kissed me… OMG, it was the most amazing thing in the world. My whole body tingled with it. All my worries about being a good enough kisser flew out of the window. I instinctively knew what to do.
God, I am so in love with SSG.
I dropped the notebook on the floor in horror.
Who the hell is SSG?
Forty
I paced the bedroom, trying to work out what to do. I felt sick to my stomach – and furious. Ab-so-bloody-lutely furious.
Obviously, the police should be called. Of course. But if I could figure out who this SSG was first, then all the better. There was no one we knew with those initials, though. Not even close.
I forced myself to read more:
What is happiness? I think it’s a really good book and a really nice boy to snuggle up to. I think a lot about boys. Someone who will look after me and protect me…
… I love to think about me and SSG kissing. That’s because he’s the right person for me. It shows how perfect we are together. I’d been so nervous, but he’s experienced and that really helps. All my nerves fly out of the window when he touches me, strumming my body like a guitar. He’s so special…
… It snowed today, and all the boys in my year had a snowball fight. I got three crumbled on my head, two on the back of my neck and one in my eye. They are such children. SSG is a man. Just imagine everyone’s face when they realise I’ve got an older man. They’ll be absolutely jell! Ha! Especially Chloe…
So this SSG was an older man. How old? Did you think of Aleksy as a man? He was almost eighteen, after all. What if this SSG was a paedophile who had been grooming you? The thought made me dizzy. A dirty old man with designs on my gorgeous, innocent little girl. What had the two of you done together? How far had this gone?
My stomach clenched and I ran to the loo. Fell onto my knees with my head bent over it. I wasn’t sick, but it took several minutes before I felt in control enough to stand and face that notebook again.
I had to. I had to unmask this pervert.
SSG was so tender today. He makes me feel so safe. He told me how much he loved me. ‘I want to spend the rest of my life with you,’ he said. And he meant it. I could tell by the look in his eyes. I can’t wait for us to get married. I’ll be 14 soon, so we’ll have to wait two years, but it will be worth it. I love being held by him. He just Smells So Good, lol!
The caps caught my eye. Clearly SSG weren’t his initials, they stood for your nickname for him. So who was this Mr Smells So Good?
I closed my eyes and forced myself to take a deep breath. I needed to calm down if I was to think clearly.
I tried to think of men who wore aftershave. Not many men in the village did. Most were old-fashioned types who thought it was feminine and would probably beat up a bloke if they discovered he used moisturiser. So chances were this SSG was in his late teens or early twenties. Aleksy fitted that age range. And he used strong body spray. So it was Aleksy!
But another line was bugging me. I reread it. Strumming my body.
The answer hit me like a thunderbolt. Oh my God, I had never thought, never imagined… I’d trusted him with you, Beth.
I dialled DS Devonport’s direct line, where it went to answerphone. So instead I called Flo. She answered within a couple of rings.
‘I know who hurt my daughter,’ I said. ‘He groomed her, took advantage of her, then hurt her when he tried to take things further.’
Forty-One
Things happened quickly after I’d notified the police. I called Jacob at work and told him everything. By the time he arrived home, Flo was knocking on the door with an update. Her hand, with well-scrubbed nails cut short and rounded like a child’s, rested on my arm as she explained that your guitar teacher, James Harvey, was being questioned, following the shocking discovery of your diary.
‘We’d like you to give permission for Beth to undergo a medical check, to see if she has been sexually assaulted,’ Flo added. Her short ginger bob swayed as she spoke. She tucked both sides behind her ears, then looked at my clenched fists.
I couldn’t uncurl them as I gave my consent.
‘I always liked the bloke,’ muttered Jacob, stunned.
My reply was a bitter bark of laughter. ‘Me too. Liked him and felt for him. He always seemed a lovely man, but awkward; aware of every move he made, everything he said. Didn’t seem to fit in around here. Now I know why. You know he’s applied to do teacher training, don’t you? So he can prey on more innocent girls.’
I’d always tried to put him at ease, and he’d seemed pitifully grateful for my efforts. How he must have laughed at us as he seduced you right under your parents’ noses. The words in the diary haunted me.
All my nerves fly out of the window when he touches me.
‘I could kill him for what he’s done.’
‘If he’s guilty, we’ll find the evidence to jail him,’ assured Flo.