‘Seriously, Gemma, I want to help you. To be here for you. I freaking love you, but you do my head in, you really do,’ Scott said.
The baby was pressing awkwardly on my pelvis. Large and unbalanced, I’d climbed onto the bench to get the wok from the top shelf. As I’d inched it forward, there was a moment where its weight had unexpectedly been more on my hands than the shelf and I’d overcorrected and slipped, pulling my hands down to hold on to the cupboard handles, and the wok had fallen sharply on my forehead before clattering loudly onto the floor. Scott had rushed in from outside and found me crouched and dazed on the bench, sporting a dark red welt.
‘I was outside, Gemma. Outside. Not at work, not at the shops, fucking outside. Ask for my help, for god’s sake. What are you trying to prove?’ Scott’s face was boiled red.
I rolled my eyes again. The bruise on my head smarted, making me cringe. ‘I’m not trying to prove anything. I’m already doing exactly what you wanted and having your baby.’
Scott slammed his fist down on the bench. It made a soft thud.
‘Don’t do that. Don’t throw that at me. You want this too. I know you do. We agreed that if we weren’t both all-in we wouldn’t do this. Don’t be so unfair.’
The anger faded from Scott’s face. He shook his head, looking at me with sadness. I’d gone too far.
I sighed and felt the baby squirm inside of me. My legs ached and my forehead throbbed all the way down to my swollen feet.
‘I’m sorry, Scott. I just hate being like this. I feel so useless.’
My long hair curled heavily down my back. It was thicker than it used to be but the ends were still split. I was stubbornly refusing to cut it. The day before, Matthews had helpfully suggested I start wearing it in pigtails.
‘It won’t be much longer, Gem. I know it’s hard, but people do have babies all the time, you know.’
I focused on a spot on the wall where the light cut into the faded beige paint, making the rest of the surface look dark and dirty. The room was smaller than I’d realised; I could have sworn it was getting smaller. The bench was too close. The walls.
‘Yeah, I know they do. But I’ve never done it before.’
Chapter Forty-three
Monday, 21 December, 7.12 pm
Scott’s chest rises and falls. I can see his heartbeat pulsing in his neck. In that moment I am scared of how much Ben means to him. His need for our son is palpable. I feel frozen to Felix. His arm is still around me but my body seems to be hovering above us all. I look down from the ceiling and can see a line between the two of us and Scott. My future and my past circle each other like salivating dogs.
‘Where is he?’ His words are knives thrown onto the floor.
Felix springs up from the couch and puts his arms out as if Scott is a child who needs to be calmed. He slowly brings his hands down as he takes a step forward.
‘Gemma called me. I’ve got the entire station working on this. We’ll find him.’
Scott barely looks at him. ‘Where is he, Gem? Where is Ben?’
I rise slowly. My legs are jelly. I shake my head. ‘I don’t know.’
‘Is this to do with your work, with that dead teacher?’
My vision blurs as I shake my head again. ‘I don’t know.’
He half coughs, half splutters, then rests his hands on his thighs as his head flops forward.
‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper and reach out my arm to him.
Scott pushes past me and then stops. He grabs his hair and turns in a slow circle. We stand in the room, the three of us, our breathing merging into a rhythmic pulsing, waves crashing onto us, over and over again. Scott whimpers and I close my eyes so I don’t have to see the pain in his face. The room flips in a slow circle. I’m spinning and spinning and then I can hear the sound of Ben’s crying ringing in my ears and I begin to cry again. My arms just want to hold him. I ache for his tiny body. I lift my head as the scene breaks apart. Scott runs from the room into the kitchen. The back door bangs loudly against the wall and as I open my eyes I’m already running too because I realise that the sound I can hear is real and that Ben, our little boy, is in the backyard crying for us to come and get him.
Felix was a long-awaited arrival in the Smithson police department. The cop from out of town; from the other side of the world. The older guys had been making jokes about episodes of The Bill for weeks. Their attempts at English accents had become very tedious. But I could sort of understand their curiosity; we hadn’t had a new staff member since Amy in accounts a year earlier. Jonesy had told me Felix and I would be partners, which I was fine with. Back from maternity leave, I simply wanted to put my head down and get on with it. Adding ‘mother’ to my already precarious status of ‘female’ wasn’t doing me many favours in the office.
‘You’re back early,’ had been the standard comment during my first week, closely followed by a judgmental look that made it clear ‘early’ really meant ‘too soon’.
‘Aren’t you even feeding the poor boy?’ was another favourite, the subtext being that Ben was a child to be pitied, both from lack of proper rearing, as well as his unfortunate genetic potluck.
‘The thing is,’ Jonesy told me, pulling me aside and showering my face with soft spittle, ‘you might find things different now.’ He clapped his hands awkwardly. ‘You know, you might not be as tough. And that’s okay.’ He cleared his throat as if it had the ocean in it. ‘Kids can make it real for people. Even the boys.’ He slapped me on the shoulder. ‘Now, I’m not much familiar with mothers on the job, but I’m guessing it’s worse.’
‘Thank you, sir.’
His eyes widened with relief at the dismissal. ‘You’re a good girl, Gemma.’ Another slap.
I was running late the day Felix finally arrived. Something had gone wrong with his paperwork and his start date was pushed out, so the initial excitement of him turning up on the Monday had dissipated somewhat by the Thursday. I’d forgotten Ben’s bottle and had got halfway to Cloud Hill before realising, so had gone home, adding another twenty minutes to my already long, brand-new morning routine.
I pushed into the briefing room at the same time as I pushed my frizzy hair from my eyes. Everyone was standing in an odd little circle with Felix in the centre, Jonesy slapping him on the back while the others looked on.
Matthews and Kingston sniggered as I joined the circle. Jonesy saw me and beamed, seemingly deciding my arrival was a signal to end the huddle.
‘Ah, Gemma. Excellent. Felix McKinnon, this is Detective Sergeant Gemma Woodstock, your partner. She’ll tell you everything you need to know. A child wonder is Gemma.’
Marty Pearson smirked at me. At least five of the others rolled their eyes.
‘Hi.’ I swatted stray hairs from my eyes and tried to smile. I became painfully aware of my fuller figure and tatty jacket.
‘Gemma’s just had a baby,’ said Jonesy helpfully.