‘Someone took Ben! From day care.’
‘Gem, you were supposed to get him. We spoke about it last night.’ A gentle wave of cheering rolls down the phone line. He’s at the pub.
I slam my hand on the steering wheel. ‘Scott, fuck! Listen to me, listen to what I’m saying. Someone’s taken Ben. Some woman. I got there just now, to Cloud Hill, and someone had already picked him up. The girl on today is new and she didn’t know … The woman said she was his grandma.’ I start to cry. ‘I don’t know where he is.’
‘What? Are you serious?’ He is moving, the sound changes, he must be outside. ‘Where are you?’
‘I’m at home. I just came straight here. I don’t know what to do.’
A strange sound snakes down the phone line.
‘Scott, I don’t know what to do.’
‘I’m coming, Gem. I’m coming. Oh my god.’
I drop the phone into my lap. Tears feel slimy on my face, mixing with make-up and sweat. The engine hums but the air-con isn’t on and the car is stale and empty. My phone rings, and I jerk sideways. The noise is like a bullet.
‘Gemma, Ms Woodstock, we’re so sorry,’ stammers Madeleine from the day-care centre. ‘This is just horrendous. Unbelievable. I’m, well, I don’t know what to do.’
‘You need to tell us everything. We need to know what the woman looked like. We need to know everything you and the other girl can remember. We need details. CCTV, anything you have. We need to be able to track her down. Find Ben.’
I feel the familiar kick of routine course through me. I know how to do this. Know how to deal with emergencies. I know how to catch the bad guys and make things okay again. But then Ben’s face looms before me and the panic is back. I don’t know how to do this.
Madeleine is sobbing into the phone. ‘Yes, yes, of course.’
‘I’ve called the police. Someone will be there to talk to you soon. Don’t go anywhere. Start writing down everything you can remember.’ I hang up on her. I turn the engine off and get out of the car.
The house looks different. Everything has frozen in the thick heat except the relentless thrum of cicadas. The sound drives like a drill into my brain. The sky is too blue. The grass is too green. I can hear the heat. Where is Ben? screams my head over the buzzing. I grab at my throat again. It is throbbing so hard I want to rip it out of my neck. I circle my fingers under my eyes, pushing away tears of liquid fear. Just get inside, get inside. Then work out what to do.
I fumble with the keys. I can’t get them into the lock.
‘Fuck. Oh my god.’ I kick the door and then crumple onto the doormat and sob. After a few moments I draw a long shuddery breath and contemplate a life without Ben. Without Ben’s pudgy little fingers. His tiny hands. Without his soft breath on my neck. Without his beautiful eyes, exactly the same pale mint as mine. Another shuddery sob bursts out of my mouth. I think about where Ben could be and what is happening to him and a part of my brain shuts down.
I finally get inside. Hot air gropes at me and I swat its fingers away. Everything is still and empty. Flat. I scan each room. I am like a wild beast searching for my child. My baby. Fear pulses through every cell. Every breath is a battle and I do deals with the God I don’t believe in. If I find Ben, I will never complain about him again. I will work less. I will be nicer to Scott. Spend more time with Dad. Stop seeing Felix. Please just let me find him.
His room is neat but for a small pile of clothes from yesterday that I meant to put away this morning. The solemn button eyes of a teddy bear stare down at me from the shelf. Where Is the Green Sheep? has fallen through the bars of his cot and fans open on the floor. Where is my baby? I scream silently at the room. The familiar feeling of dread fills my chest. Just like the moment Dad told me about Mum. Just like when he told me about Jacob. Poor darling Dad, having to shatter my entire world, not once but twice. I can’t imagine telling him that Ben is gone. I wring my hands. I can’t stop moving them: it’s as if they are springs at the end of my arms. I want to punch them through the walls. I want to have a different life. I want Ben back here asleep in his cot.
I hear the door and my nerves jangle.
‘Gemma!’
I run into his arms. The tears flow out of me like blood from a wound. I can’t talk.
‘Shhh, shhh. I can’t believe this. You must be … C’mon, Gem, tell me what happened.’
Felix half carries me down the hallway and into the lounge. He pulls me onto the couch, his arms around me. His presence here is jarring. I feel ferociously nauseated. Over his shoulder I see our shadowy reflection in the TV screen. It could be Scott and me about to have dinner. I’ve never let Felix come here before. He’s dropped me off a few times, walked me to the door once, and now here he is, sitting in my lounge room, because Ben is missing.
He pushes me gently backwards and strokes my face, extracting tear-soaked hair from my eyes. He looks older. Faded. His loose white t-shirt ripples with grey patches that cling to his skin.
Another sob leaks from my mouth. ‘I don’t know where he is. I went to get him and when I arrived no kids were there. I was running late, but only by five minutes, so I thought they might have him out the back, but then they were so surprised to see me I knew straight away something was wrong.’
‘Okay. And you said some woman picked him up?’
My eyes are stinging. ‘Yes, over two hours ago. Said she was his grandma.’ I start to cry again. ‘But Ben doesn’t have a grandma. Where the fuck is he, Felix?’
‘I’ve called Jonesy. He and Matthews are on their way to the centre. Do you want me to drive you back there now too?’
‘I want my son back. Now. Felix, I need him.’
‘We’ll find him. We will. Fuck, Gem, I just knew the roses you got meant something bad. It’s all linked. Someone is fucking with you.’ He pushes me away slightly and holds out his arms, ducking down to force me to look at him. ‘Do you know something? About the Ryan girl? What do you know?’
I am stunned. Rage rips through my body, propelling me onto my feet. I turn on him, rabid.
‘I don’t know anything! How dare you! You think this is my fault?’
‘Okay, okay, shhh. Sorry—I’m sorry. I just don’t get this, Gem. Why you? Why Ben?’
‘I don’t know.’ My vision cracks again. ‘I don’t know why this is happening.’ I think about my drunken dancing at Fee’s on Saturday night. Fox’s kiss. All the times I’ve been with Felix. I think about what I did all those years ago. Ben doesn’t deserve this. Doesn’t deserve any of it.
Felix takes my hand and pulls me down to him again. I am buried in the crook of his elbow. I feel upside down. Inside out. As solid as cotton wool.
Footsteps sound in the hall. It’s Scott. I lift my head just as he bursts into the room.
Chapter Forty-two
March (three years earlier)
‘You’re so selfish!’
I rolled my eyes.