It was a delicious feeling, falling in love. I’d had so many luxuries in my life, and I thought I’d had a taste of this before, but I realized now it was merely a cheap imitation of something not meant to be imitated in the first place.
I reminded myself it would end, and I’d already made my peace with it. I knew I was going to choose Kile; I’d told Eikko as much.
Kile would make me happy, and I hoped I could do the same for him. I figured at some point, once Kile knew I was choosing him, I’d come clean to him about some of this. And I knew Kile well enough to know that he’d understand if I confessed to feeling confused about the process and that kissing Eikko wasn’t something I planned, both of which were true. I didn’t want it hanging over us. Any of us.
And a life side by side with Kile was not exactly a prison sentence. He was smart, passionate, funny, charming—a dozen things a husband ought to be. He would be beloved by the people—our people—and he would stand beside me and fight Marid. He was so charismatic, he might even render Marid useless.
And, deep in my heart, I hoped there was a chance that I could learn to love him, now that I knew what that really felt like.
For the time being I had a few precious days left with Eikko, and I intended to treasure each one.
Neena tapped on my desk, bringing my attention back to the present. “Are you okay? What are you thinking about?”
“Umm …”
To be honest, I was thinking about the sound of Her Majesty Eadlyn Helena Margarete Schreave de Koskinen, and how suddenly my mouthful of names seemed like a line of poetry. But then I looked into her eyes and saw they were tinged with red.
“About you,” I said. “Are you all right?”
“I’m fine,” she said in a tone that said not really. “It’s just Mark. He’s working such long hours, and now I have to work more, and it’s getting harder to keep in touch. You know, same old. Distance isn’t a big deal until it is.”
I took her hands. “Neena, the last thing I want to do is cost you the person you love. You’re a brilliant girl; you could work anywhere—”
“Are you firing me?” she whispered, looking like she might cry.
“Of course not! The thought of you leaving breaks my heart. If you can have friend soul mates, you’re mine, and I don’t want you going anywhere.” She laughed through her glassy eyes. “I just can’t bear to watch you lose something that matters so much to you.”
“I get that. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to sit back and look at your life right now?”
I sighed. “My life is a different thing entirely. And, like you said, I could do worse.”
“Eadlyn, please rethink this. There must be a better way to stop Marid.”
“If there is, I don’t have the time to wait for it. If I don’t secure my place now, I’ll either have a reign filled with people trying to usurp me and failing, or people trying and succeeding. Those options aren’t acceptable. This matters to me. I can’t compromise.”
She nodded. “Well, neither can I. And I couldn’t leave you like that.”
I took her hand, grateful, as always, for her presence in my life.
“Let me know if you change your mind,” I insisted. “If you need to leave, I could—”
I was stunned into silence by the sight of Josie coming into the office balancing a tray in her hands. She set a cup of coffee in front of Neena and one in front of me before she spoke.
“Everyone said you took your coffee with two sugars, but if it’s wrong I can go back.”
“No, no,” I said, still slightly confused. “That’s right.”
“Okay. And I was walking by the mailroom and they had these, so I figured I could get them to you.” She placed a handful of letters in the wooden in-box on my desk.
“Thank you.”
She nodded. “Also, I saw your mother this morning. She’s doing very well. I haven’t seen any of the boys.”
“Good luck hunting them down,” I said with a smile. “Thank you, Josie.”
“It’s the least I could do.” She shrugged. “I’m not busy, if you need another set of hands.”
“Neena?”
I turned, and saw she was still taking in this change. “How’s your penmanship?” she finally asked.
“Excellent,” Josie replied, beaming.
“All right, then.” And just like that, I got an unexpected addition to the office.
Fox was quiet as we walked the palace halls. It wasn’t the most exciting of dates, but the constant cloud of worry hanging over my head had sapped any creativity I had. Still, as the photographer checked the images on the back of his camera, he seemed pleased.
“It’s kind of sad that we can’t go out to a restaurant or do something fun like … Do you bowl?” Fox asked.
“No,” I answered with a laugh. “Putting on shoes that a thousand other people have worn and putting my fingers into holes with goodness knows how many germs in there?” I stuck out my tongue. “Not my thing.”