“What are you doing?” Ryan hissed in my ear as soon as we were huddled together, Kevin’s head hanging above us.
“Flirting,” I hissed back. “It’s the only way he’ll tell us what we want.”
“But you’re terrible at flirting.”
“Excuse you! I’m amazing at it!”
“You’re really not,” Kevin said. “In fact, you might be the worst I’ve ever seen.”
“What?” I stared at them. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m pretty godsdamn hot.”
“Well, we really have no one to blame but ourselves for that ego,” Gary said. “All of us. But not really me. Or mostly Tiggy.”
“It’s true,” Tiggy said, nodding solemnly.
“What about all the things that want to have sex with me?” I demanded.
“Oh, honey,” Gary said. “That’s because you’re adorable, not because you know how to flirt.”
“You are not doing this,” Ryan growled. “I’m not going to just stand there and watch while you flirt with a man who’s not even as big around as my cock.”
“Oh my,” Gary said, staring down at Ryan’s crotch. “Hello, Knight Commander.”
“Even Justin thinks this is a good idea,” I said, glaring at them.
Justin blinked. “I think what now?”
I smiled at him because he wasn’t on my shit list like everyone else. “Remember? You told me that you liked how I jumped in feetfirst without overthinking things and that my plans were super awesome and that you were my best friend 5eva.”
The others turned slowly to look at him, mouths open wide.
He took a step back, hands raised in front of him. “Don’t look at me like that! I didn’t say that at all!”
“He really did,” I said. “We were sitting by the fire, and he told me he admired me and that I should leap for my future or something. Also, he said that I look good in nice trousers.”
“You were hitting on him?” Ryan snarled at the Prince.
“You are such a liar, Sam of Wilds!” Justin cried.
“The sexual tension is just ridiculous,” Kevin breathed. “Just kiss already!”
“And what happens when Dimitri figures out you aren’t intending to sleep with him?” Gary asked.
I shrugged. “By then I assume we’ll be with the Great White, and since it’s the size of a mountain, we’ll probably be running for our lives before I inadvertently punch it in the eye and save the day, since that’s what I seem to do with dragons. Dimitri won’t have time to remember. Don’t worry, I got this!”
They all gaped at me.
“Aaaand break,” I said. “Okay, team. Good talk. Let’s get back out there and do what we came to do.”
And with that, I turned around and slinked back toward where Dimitri and the other fairies waited for us. I rolled my hips and let my hands trail down my chest. “Hello,” I said when I came to stand in front of him again, voice husky and warm. “How lovely it is to see you again.”
“Really?” Dimitri asked suspiciously. “You think it’s nice to see me?”
“Quite,” I said. “Gosh, is it hot out here or is it just me?” I untied the top of my tunic, letting it open against my collarbone. “There. That’s much better.”
Dimitri’s eyes strayed to my chest. He was falling right into my trap. “You said it was just adequate to see me again only moments ago.”
I coughed. “Er. Right. Well. That was before I saw you properly. You’ve done something different with your… penis.”
“Oh,” he said, looking down at the appendage. “I suppose I did. I painted it blue.”
“I can see that,” I said. “It’s looks—”
“Stop staring at it,” Ryan whispered harshly behind me.
“—like you’re a very good painter.”
“Indeed,” he said, sounding pleased. “I even got the underside, see?”
I struggled not to choke as he lifted his dick. “Oh yes! Quite thorough. You know what they say: a thorough man… can be… thorough. In. Other things.”
“Oh my gods,” Gary moaned from behind me. “This is painful.”
“I’ve never heard that saying before,” Dimitri said, flying up near my face. “But it rings true. I am very thorough. In all things.”
“I want to be you when I grow up,” Kevin breathed.
“Quite,” I said, taking a step forward. I reached out and rubbed my finger on the top of his head. His eyes rolled back and his wings flapped harder. I had to think of another compliment. At least one more. Everyone knew that when you were attempting to seduce the fairy king to get on his good side, you had to pay him three compliments. So I said the first thing that came to mind. “I’ve always wanted to go for a mustache ride.”
“That’s nasty,” Tiggy declared. “That’s nasty, Sam.”
“We’re going to end up going to war with the fairies,” Justin said dully. “I can see it now. We are going to go to war with the fairies, and my father is going to murder me.”
“Sam!” Ryan barked. “I have a beard now! That’s better than a mustache.”
“Shh,” I said to Dimitri as his eyes darted over my shoulder. “Don’t look at them. Hey. Hey, little guy. It’s just you and me here. Just the two of us. Look into my eyes. There you go. Hey. Hey there, pretty eyes. You look… just swell.”
“What’s this about you being engaged?” he asked, crossing his tiny arms over his tiny chest.
“What?”
“The dragon said you were just engaged and that you were planning on having an orgy.”
“Hells to the yeah!” Kevin called.
“Oh, that,” I said hastily. “Just ignore him. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. You know how dragons are.” Aha! An in! “Right? Dimitri? Right? You know how dragons are? Say, maybe a large dragon that no one has seen for a long time that I really don’t care about but I’m going to ask you anyway?”
He narrowed his eyes.
“Oops!” I said, stripping my shirt off over my head before I threw it back over my shoulder. Water sprinkled down from the tree canopy above onto my bare shoulders. “How did that happen? My nipples are just out here and everything. And now I’m getting all wet.”
All the fairies gasped as one. Even Dimitri looked horrified.
“Wow,” I said. “That was not a reaction I expected. Rude.”
“What is this?” Dimitri whispered as the fairies began to murmur urgently behind him. “What have you done?”
I frowned. “What do you mean? I’m seducing you so you tell me where the Great White is and—oh. Shit. I totally didn’t mean to say that. Crap. Uh. Ignore what I just said. Heyyyy, you. You have to be at least as tall as you are to ride this ride. Mmm.”
“That’s enough,” Ryan said, coming to stand next to me as he glared at Dimitri. He shoved my tunic at my chest as if trying to preserve my modesty. “You don’t get to ride this ride. In fact, this ride is closed to the general public for repairs. And I’m the repairman. Therefore, I’m the only one that gets to… wait. Hold on. I swear this made more sense in my head. Okay. Maybe not. Taste steel instead, you fiends!” He pulled his sword from the scabbard at his side and posed in front of me.