“I’m feeling really sweaty,” Ryan said, looking vaguely ill.
“You are not walking me down the aisle,” I said, glaring up at Kevin. “You’re not even my real dad!”
“Oh, Gary,” Kevin sniffed, great globular tears sliding down his scaly cheeks. “Our son is getting married.”
Gary was sobbing as he trotted toward his… husband? Ex-husband? Gross sex buddy? I couldn’t keep track. He wailed as he leaned his head against Kevin’s foot. “I’m n-n-not ready!”
“We crying now?” Tiggy asked, lower lip trembling.
“No!” I shouted. “No crying! We’re not crying!”
“Yes, Tiggy!” Gary cried. “Sam is getting married.”
“He is?” Tiggy asked as he started to cry. “He is?”
“You better take care of him,” Kevin snarled at Ryan through his tears. “You know that Sam is my sexy son. I won’t marry him off to just anyone who asks.”
Ryan’s eyes were bulging out of his head. “I think I’m feeling feverish.”
“If anyone cares, I’m going to keep on going so I don’t have to listen to this anymore,” Justin said. “Because I really hate all of you right now.”
“How much will we get for Sam’s dowry?” Kevin asked Gary. “I’ve never had to sell off one of my children before.”
“I don’t know,” Gary said through his tears. “He’s a little defective, so we should probably be up-front that all sales are final.”
“You can’t sell me!” I bellowed at them. “And I’m not defective.”
“I was just trying to walk through the forest,” Ryan said. “That’s it.”
“Can Tiggy be in wedding?” Tiggy asked, wiping his nose.
“Of course you can,” I said. Then, “Wait. I didn’t mean to say that.”
“Tiggy can’t be in wedding?” Tiggy asked, staring at me with wide, wet eyes.
“Gaaah. Your face. I just meant I wasn’t getting married! But now I have to because of that face. Ryan, we’re getting hitched! Just look at Tiggy. Just look at him.”
“Did you just ask me to marry you?” Ryan squeaked.
“Hey, guys?” Justin called.
“Huh,” I said. “I think I just did.”
“Wow,” Kevin said. “Sam being the one to ask Ryan. How progressive.”
“How is that progressive?” I asked. “We’re both men.”
“True,” Kevin said. “But you’re… daintier.”
“Guys,” Justin said again.
“Daintier?” I growled. “And what the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“You want to marry me?” Ryan asked.
“You’re going to be the most perfect flower half-giant,” Gary sobbed at Tiggy. “There will never be one as beautiful as you.”
“I am beautiful,” Tiggy said as he cried.
“It’s just,” Kevin said. “You know. You’re… dainty.”
“I’ll show you dainty,” I snarled at him.
“Ooh,” Kevin said. “Say that again. That did things to my penis like you wouldn’t believe. And can you call me Captain when you do it? Don’t ask. It’s just a thing.”
“GUYS!” Justin shouted.
“WHAT!” we all shouted back.
“A little fucking help here, you godsdamn assholes!”
I took off down the path, feeling my magic beginning to crawl along my skin. The others were crashing after me, and as we burst into a clearing, I was prepared for anything, be it manticores or fire geckos or a band of roving Darks that needed to be eradicated.
Instead I crashed into Justin’s back, and the others smashed into me. We were all knocked off our feet, landing on top of the Prince on the ground.
“Ow,” I managed to wheeze. “Gary, your hoof… it’s on… my balls.”
“Oh please,” Gary said from somewhere above me. “You act like it’s the first time I’ve ever touched your balls.”
“He touched your balls?” Ryan growled near my shoulder. “Why the hell is he touching your balls? Was that before or after you touched his asshole?”
“Cannot… breathe,” Justin groaned below me.
“I love you guys,” Tiggy said near the top of the pile.
“Huh,” Kevin said, peering down at us. “That looks as if it would be more comfortable if you were all naked. I can help with that if you’d like. I’m down for a Sam Just Got Engaged Orgy.”
“Oh no,” I moaned. “He capitalized it and everything.”
“Sam got engaged?” a high-pitched voice buzzed from above us. “To who?”
We all looked up slowly.
There, fluttering in the air in front of us, were hundreds of tiny naked men with wings.
In the front flew the king of the Dark Woods fairies.
Dimitri.
With his tiny mustache.
And his tiny penis.
“Hi, Dimitri,” I sighed.
WHEN ONE has an audience with the king of the Dark Woods fairies, one should expect to feel extraordinarily uncomfortable. Not only was Dimitri a lecherous little fellow on par with anything Kevin could dish out, he did so while naked and usually after having trapped me somehow or tying me up.
Not as sexy as it sounds, trust me.
I might have accidentally agreed to marry him at one point, only to have escaped when Gary kicked a bunch of fairies in the face, and then I left him at the altar while we ran away. I didn’t think he’d actually ever gotten over that.
I felt bad.
Sort of.
However, it was something that I needed to put up with, given that Dimitri knew more about the Dark Woods than I ever would. True, he could be an enigmatic asshole about it, but he was a necessary ally. A treaty was in place between him and the Crown, negotiated by Justin, that said the fairies would offer assistance in matters of life and death. And given that finding the Great White seemed to qualify, here we were. Dimitri was the only person who would know how to find him.
But first.
“Sam,” Dimitri said, hovering near my face. He’d waited until we picked ourselves up off the ground before speaking again.
“Dimitri,” I said as politely as possible. “How… adequate it is to see you again.”
“The pleasure is all mine,” he whispered, leaning forward to stroke my cheek with his tiny hand.
“Gross,” I muttered. “I mean, uh. Yes. The pleasure.”
“I like him,” Kevin whispered behind us. “He seems like a good guy.”
“Oh boy,” Gary said. “We’re going to need to have a talk about a few things later.”
“Like sexy things?”
“No.”
“Oh.”
“What brings you to my neck of the woods yet again?” Dimitri asked, wings fluttering furiously. “Can’t stay away, can you? One would think you were stalking me, Sam of Wilds.”
And that gave me an idea. A very, very unclean idea.
Ryan’s hand was on the hilt of his sword when I grabbed it to keep him from drawing. Dimitri’s shrewd eyes tracked the movement.
“What can I say?” I said lightly. “I have an appreciation for… the little things.”
“Really,” Dimitri said, eyeing me up and down. “How fortunate for me.”
“It really is,” I said, trying to stand seductively, hip cocked, thinking about how I could incorporate my nipples into the conversation.
“Will you excuse us for a moment?” Ryan snapped before dragging me back toward the others. I winked at Dimitri over my shoulder and licked my lips in what I hoped was showing that I wouldn’t mind going down on that tiny wiener.