“Right,” Ryan sighed. “That. If it makes you feel any better, you’re not the only one who’s wanted revenge. It’s kind of a thing.”
“Oh please,” Lady Tina sniffed. “I never believed you to be who you said you were. I only allowed you into the Ryan Foxheart Fan Club Castle Lockes Chapter because I felt sorry for you. You had my pity.”
“You liar. I got in because I knew more about Ryan Foxheart than you ever did!”
She scowled at me. “His favorite time of year!”
“Fall, because he loves the way the leaves crunch under his feet! What fruit does he hate the most?”
“Lemons, because he doesn’t understand the point of them!”
“Are they just a garnish?” Ryan asked Caleb. “I mean, you can’t eat them by themselves. Talk about a waste of fruit flesh.”
Tina thought for a second before her eyes narrowed. “His hobbies include swordsmanship, boxing, and?”
“Waking up at dawn and going for a seven-mile run like an asshole,” I crowed in triumph.
“This is very odd for me,” Ryan told Caleb. “I mean, I’m standing right here, you know?”
“How many orgasm faces does Ryan have?”
“Six,” Tina exclaimed.
“Damn you, wench!”
“I don’t want to know how they know that,” Ryan told Caleb. “I didn’t even know that. Well, Sam should know that. But the girl? That’s just weird.”
“The most push-ups Ryan has ever done!”
“Four hundred and seventy-six! His favorite song to sing!”
“‘Cheesy Dicks and Candlesticks’! His waist size!”
“Thirty-four, with an inseam length of thirty-six, because with those legs, he could have been a dancer!”
“I’m so embarrassed,” Ryan told Caleb.
And then I knew I had her. “Ryan Foxheart’s real name!”
Tina gasped. “What in the name of the gods are you talking about? Ryan Foxheart is his real name.”
“No, it’s not,” Ryan said.
“Aha!” I cried, pointing my finger at Tina. “Admit it, Lady Tina! You will never know as much about him as I will. And also, I get to fuck his godsdamn ass whenever the hell I want, so you can shove that up your front butt and choke on it. HaveHeart for life.”
“I don’t get to curse like that,” Ryan told Caleb. “Because of the children.”
“Curse you, Sam of Wilds!” Lady Tina shouted. “You’re lying, both of you are lying. You have bewitched him or spelled him to do your bidding, just like you’ve done with the dragons of Verania.” She glared over my shoulder. “Caleb, isn’t that right? You, as one of the highest-ranking members of the We-Hate-Sam-A-Lots, know this to be true. He used his magic to take from the both of us. From you, he stole your mother’s life. From me, he stole Rystin, the most beautiful of all relationships that has ever had the privilege of gracing this world. The magic that they had between them was—was life-changing. Anyone that saw them together knew they were meant to be, until this interloper came into the picture. He has destroyed everything good in the world and twisted my one true pairing into a brotherhood, and I will not stand for it!”
“I didn’t bewitch anyone!” I bellowed. “I won everyone over with my natural charm and biting wit and irresistible body.”
“He’s got nice thighs,” Ryan told Caleb. “I’m a thigh guy, I guess.”
“The truth will be revealed,” Tina hissed. “Your lies will end this day, Sam of Wilds, you mark my words. HaveHeart is finished. Long. Live. Rystin.”
I rushed her, planning on knocking her down into the fireplace and rolling her around in the ash and soot, just to make myself feel better.
But as soon as I stepped into the room in which she stood, a dampening wave washed over me, my magic muffled almost instantly. My foot hit the ground, and I almost didn’t have the strength to lift it again. My chest felt tight, constricted, and I struggled to take in another breath.
I hit an invisible wall in front of me, forehead smashing against it. Dazed, I took a step back, bringing my hand to my head. I felt dizzy and weak, like I was powerless.
“Sam?” Ryan asked as he took a step forward.
“Don’t,” I said through gritted teeth, pulling my hand away from my head, expecting to see blood. There was none. “Stay there. It’s a trap.”
“What?” Ryan growled. He ignored me and took a step forward, the floorboards creaking underneath his feet, his armor scraping together.
“Keep an eye on the other one,” I said as I looked over my shoulder. Caleb was grinning, watching the scene play out in front of him, back pressed against the door. Ryan nodded, pointing his sword at Caleb’s chest.
I turned back toward Lady Tina, who still stood by the fireplace. “How the hell are you doing this?”
She smirked. “Look up, Sam.”
I didn’t want to take my eyes off her, but I did as she said.
And there, on the ceiling, was a thinly painted circle filled with arcane symbols, of which I stood directly in the center.
“No,” I whispered. “It can’t be. Is that—”
“Dragon’s blood,” she singsonged. “One of the few things that can contain a wizard completely. Your magic is useless here, Sam.”
“See you next Tuesday,” I snarled at her.
She blinked. “Um. What?”
“Exactly.”
“Honestly, Sam. I don’t know why I expected anything more than you actually are. I suppose it is better to have the bar set so low to achieve any and all expectations. The story of your life, I imagine.”
“Why are you doing this?”
Her eyes flashed. “Why am I doing this? Sam, have you not been listening? You have stolen from me the one thing that mattered the most. The one thing that made this farce called life worth living. The world was fine until you meddled in things that did not involve you.”
“I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I’m talking about Rystin!” she shouted. “Prince Justin and Ryan were perfect for each other. They loved each other. They were going to get married and have babies and dress them in cute little outfits and go for strolls in the park and be the happiest family that ever lived. They complemented each other perfectly. The beautiful prince. The gorgeous knight. It’s how all the fairy tales go. They are never about the wizard. The wizard is a background character that only comes to the forefront when a silly little spell is required to advance the love of the main characters. But you. You couldn’t just let them be happy. You couldn’t let them love each other like they were supposed to. You came in, and you coveted. You devised a plan, poisoning the ear of the King in the process with the ancient tongue. And then you committed the most cardinal of all sins: you turned Ryan away from Justin. I saw you. I saw you. On their wedding day, you stood beside them, sworn to protect them, and you whispered back and forth with that fucking horse and stupid halfling. And then, just before I got my happy ending with Rystin, you unleashed your final spell and stole Ryan away from him.” Her bosom was rising and falling rapidly, her cheeks flushed, strands of hair falling around her face.