“I am so bored with this already,” I told Ryan. “Are you bored with this? Because I’m bored with this.”
“At least he hasn’t tried to sleep with you yet,” Ryan pointed out. “That’s different.”
I squinted at Caleb. “Do you want to bone me?”
“What? No!”
“Ouch,” I said. “That’s a blow to the ol’ ego. Are you sure?”
“I don’t want to sleep with you. I’m straight.”
“Huh. That was not expected.” I gave him the Look-How-Precious-Sam-Is big eyes, fluttering my eyelashes just the way Gary had taught me. “Are you sure?”
“Are you hitting on me?” Caleb sounded incredulous.
“Gods, Sam,” Ryan growled. “Now is not the time for that.”
“You don’t even find me a little attractive?” I asked Caleb.
“No!”
“I was having such a good day too,” I said with a sigh. “Well, up until the whole getting trapped in a house with a skinny little twink who thought it’d be a good idea to try and capture us.”
“I’m not a twink.”
“Do you have any body hair that’s not on your head or dick?”
“No! What the hell—”
“Twink,” I said. “Trust me, I would know. I’ve been stuck as one for a long time. I’m hoping one day to become a bear. I feel like I’d be an awesome bear. Maybe even a leather one.”
“What am I, then?” Ryan asked, obviously unable to help himself.
“An otter,” I explained to him. “You’re muscular and furry.”
“I don’t think that’s a thing.”
“It’s a thing,” I insisted. “You’re also a power bottom, but that has nothing to do with you being an otter. That’s just because you’re a rock star.”
He flushed furiously. “Sam, maybe not talk about that in front of others.”
“Why?” I asked with a frown. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of.” I glanced back at Caleb. “Do you think that’s something to be ashamed of?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. You need to shut up and listen—”
“Rude. First you kidnap me and then you tell me to shut up? Caleb, I don’t think we’re going to be friends.”
“Is it kidnapping if we willingly walked with him?” Ryan asked.
“Eh. I like the way that sounds better than us being gullible idiots.”
“Right,” Ryan said before glaring at Caleb. “You kidnapped us. I’m going to kick your mothercracking behind.”
“Ooh,” I breathed. “You done it now.”
“You killed my mother!” Caleb shouted.
And everything.
Just.
Stopped.
“Excuse me?” I asked, gooseflesh rippling along my arms. “I didn’t kill anyone’s mother.”
Caleb began to pace in front of us, teeth gnashing. “I was gone to Meridian City when it happened. For supplies. We never crossed paths, but I’d heard whispers of the apprentice to the King’s Wizard traveling the countryside, scouring the land for a stolen prince. I thought I knew where the Prince had been taken, but we hadn’t confirmed. It didn’t matter. If the Prince had been kidnapped, it was because a god had decreed it so.”
“A god,” I said faintly, little pieces beginning to fall in place.
“A god,” Caleb agreed. “The god. Because my mother had decreed it so. He came to Verania for our salvation, and we were going to ascend with him. She told us that if we worshipped him, he would love us just as much as we loved him. We would be honored because we were his disciples.”
“I didn’t—”
“No,” Caleb snarled. “You will listen. You will listen to how I came back to Tarker Mills to find the village in ruins, its people scattered to the wind. You will listen to the story that was told to me by those who remained, of the fucking wizard who corrupted a god with his magic, who forced the dragon against his will to take from me. The wizard who used a god as his weapon to close his jaws over my mother, leaving nothing left but her feet in front of a keep in a valley near the mountains.”
“Eloise,” I whispered. “The truth corn cult leader.”
His face turned red with rage. “It wasn’t a cult. But yes. Eloise Marlowe. My mother. She invited you into our home, fed you the truth, and you repaid her by using Dark magic to debase a god into doing your bidding. You did this. You murdered her.”
“Hate to break it to you,” I said coldly, “but your mother was planning on sacrificing us to the one you call a god. You can sure as shit bet I was going to do everything I could to make sure that didn’t happen.”
“Maybe not try and aggravate the crazy twink,” Ryan muttered under his breath.
Caleb ignored him, only having eyes for me. “And I swore on my mother’s stumps that I would do everything I could to bring you to your end, Sam of Wilds.”
I grimaced. “That’s… gruesome. You swore on your mother’s stumps? Dude, what’s wrong with you?”
“And then out of all the darkness, I once again saw the bright light of redemption,” Caleb said. “And it was glorious. I knew I could honor my mother and have my revenge at the same time. Especially when it became evident that you were trying to corrupt the other gods who walk this earth.”
“The dragons aren’t gods. Kevin’s ego is already big enough, and I would appreciate if you wouldn’t add to it.”
“And so I came here. I found my new home. And I trained. I worked day and night, preparing myself to infiltrate the castle, to become the shy l-l-little p-p-page that managed to fool the great Sam of Wilds!”
“No offense,” Ryan said, “but it’s really not that hard to fool him.”
“Hey! That’s fucking mean. Also true. I tend to be rather gullible. And now that I’ve let you monologue, I think we’re going to end this right about—”
“Not so fast, Sam. Or should I say Mervin.”
I whirled around.
Next to the fireplace stood the worst person in the entire world.
My most mortal of enemies.
I snarled, “Lady Tina DeSilva. I should have known this had your foul stench all over it! Tell me, when you slithered out of the sewer in which you reside, did you decide today would be a good day to die? Because you shall rue. There will be ruing.”
“Oh boy,” Ryan said.
Lady Tina was wearing a pink-and-white frilly dress that came down to her ankles and was cinched tight at her trim waist. Her blonde curls were held back by a pink ribbon in her hair. Her fingernails were perfectly manicured and her makeup expertly applied. She was shockingly bright and out of place in the grime of the house we stood in. And I wanted nothing more than to pick up a handful of soot from the fireplace and rub it all over her stupid fucking face until she choked with it—
“Sam of Wilds,” she tittered. “How lovely it is to finally meet you face-to-face without a ridiculous disguise between us.”
“Ha! A disguise that fooled you for months! Take that, you abhorrent wench.”
“This is probably going to take a while,” Ryan told Caleb. “So we’re gonna need to hold off on that mothercracking behind-kicking I promised you. Don’t worry. It’ll still happen.”
“Revenge,” Caleb hissed.