Both equally sad.
Perhaps she had to readjust her thinking. Not all Solizen were bad, just as not all Lasair were good. No one was 100 percent either way. Not even her.
Yet she still pressed on with her questions. “If you can’t find a way out of it, are you going to cave? Will you show up at the church and promise vows in front of God and everybody because there wasn’t another option?”
“No.” Dade stopped walking. The slip-slip of his shoes squelching in the water had quieted.
It forced her to stop as well. She turned to face him, keeping the light focused on the ground in front of him so she could see his face without blinding him.
He looked at her as if trying to read her expression. Something indefinable changed between them in that moment. Though she couldn’t put into words what that was, Arden felt it. Knew that it was there as inevitably as she counted on her next breath.
“If it comes to that,” he said, “I’ll have to make other decisions. I promise you on my life, I will not marry Clarissa.”
Arden swallowed and nodded.
He continued, his voice strong and confident. “I don’t want that life.”
Her heart caught somewhere near her throat. She had trouble speaking past the lump. “What is it that you do want, Dade? I’ve been trying to figure that out since I met you.”
“I want you,” he said.
Her heart started beating erratically. The air left her chest. Still, she denied it. “You’ve only just met me.”
“That doesn’t change how I feel.”
Arden knew he was right, because it didn’t change the way she felt either. He didn’t fit into her life, and yet he felt as if he belonged there. She bit her lip, not knowing what to say.
“For the first time in my life, I want to be selfish,” he said. “If that forces me to go against my family, well, that’s what will happen.”
That sentiment made her carefully consider what their outcome would be. She felt the same way. Yet being selfish led to danger. If she knew anything in life, she knew this.
Because of this, and in spite of how she felt toward Dade, she needed to stop what was growing between them. The box that she’d forced her thoughts of Dade into was getting horribly out of shape. Best to shove everything back inside and tape it up as best she could. It wasn’t what she wanted, of course. But sometimes it was necessary to do things that might hurt in order to get the best outcome.
“There can’t be a ‘you and I,’” she said.
He stepped forward to take her hand in his. “There already is.”
His touch made her thoughts fly. His hand was firm and warm, giving her comfort and making her believe that they could overcome the obstacles their families presented. But she fought against that, half dying inside. Insisting, “We have people we care for. I won’t put mine in danger with my decisions.” Arden studied him, hating each word that left her mouth and wondering whether they hit their mark. “It’s unfair to them.”
The sentiment was just as much for him as it was for her. She pleaded with herself to take her own advice. She wanted him. She wanted to throw everything away and chase these feelings.
“It’s unfair to us,” he insisted.
“We can’t see each other again. You can’t come looking for me. We’re done, you and I. I’m no more than a fleeting moment that passed through your life.” She pulled her hand from his, gripping it at her side. “You are never again to put yourself in danger to find me.”
“You are so much more than a moment,” he said.
She wanted to shake him. She had to get him to understand, even if that meant that she pretended not to care, even if she risked hurting him. And in the process, she must cut her own growing feelings. She turned and started to walk once more. “We’re almost there.”
Then she would say goodbye. Forever.
Conflicted feelings bubbled inside her as they stepped the last few feet to the entrance.
She keyed in a code on the entry pad and opened the door to the bottom of the ladder, then turned to him. The knowledge of the risk she’d put her family in came fast and furious. She felt frustrated at herself for allowing him such power over her, when he was so clearly the wrong choice for her life. It made her lash out with an icy voice. “If you ever tell anyone about our ability to move through the bolt-holes, I’ll kill you.”
“Again with the death threats,” he joked. But then he added seriously, “I would never betray you. I hope that someday you’ll believe that.”
He seemed to take this whole conversation, and her, in stride.
It left Arden feeling unsettled. Why, when she’d said everything she should say, did she feel as if a knife twisted inside her? Why did it feel wrong, like dust in her mouth? This time with him, hidden away from the real world, should last longer, so she’d be able to tuck away every second into the corner of her mind to remember for later. But it couldn’t last forever. This thing between them needed to end now.
Arden reached out to grip a rung on the ladder. “This is it. Hand on the ladder.”
She waited for him to comply before tucking her glo-wand away, plunging the room into darkness. Then she began her climb, hearing the clacking of his boots on the rungs beneath her.
Before long, they reached the hatch, the dim red light of the switchbox serving as a warning not to smash her head. She felt along the surface for the control pad. With a few twists and a series of numbers, the hatch opened above her.
They exited into an alley adjacent to the Tower quadralifts. The policing in this sector was high because of the vulnerability to the Sky Towers. After the first one had been blown up, they didn’t take any chances. So there wasn’t anyone loitering on the street. It also meant that she had only a small window of time to disappear again.
Arden climbed out, stepping aside for Dade. She kept the door open next to them.
“The quadralifts to the Levels are just there.” She pointed. “Don’t go straight into them. There’s a stairway here.” She indicated the unmarked door they stood in front of. “Take the stairs to Level Two, then grab the lift from there. Leave your blackout bracelet on until you’re in front of the quadralift doors.”
Dade nodded in acknowledgment.
She didn’t know what to say then. Words had dried up in her mouth. She turned back to the hatch to leave.
Dade reached out and grabbed her arm, stopping her. “I won’t let you push me away. I want to see you again.”
It scared her that she wanted that too. Scared her that they might not ever have this again. “Why?”