‘We talked about it, remember. I said I didn’t feel up to going back and you said we could talk to Dr Deakin about it.’
‘We also said we’d wait to see how you felt after a couple of weeks on the pills. But if that’s what you want.’
He takes a bottle opener from the drawer and takes the cap off his beer. ‘Does Mary think she’ll be able to find somebody to replace you at such short notice?’
I turn away so that he can’t see my face. ‘I don’t
know.’
He takes a drink straight from the bottle. ‘Well, what did she say when you told her you weren’t going back?’
‘I don’t know,’ I mumble.
‘She must have said something,’ he persists.
‘I haven’t told her yet. I only really decided today.’
‘But she must have wanted to know why you weren’t
going to the meeting.’
I’m saved from answering by a ring at the doorbell.
Leaving him to go and answer it, I sit down at the table The Breakdown
233
and put my head in my hands, wondering how I could
have forgotten about the Inset day. It’s only when I hear Matthew apologising profusely to someone that I realise Mary is at the door and, horrified, I pray that he’s not going to invite her in.
‘That was Mary.’ I lift my head and see him standing in front of me. He waits for me to react, to say something but I can’t, I don’t know how to any more. ‘She’s gone,’
he adds. For the first time in our marriage he looks angry. ‘You haven’t told her a thing, have you? Why haven’t you answered any of her messages?’
‘I didn’t see them. I’ve lost my mobile,” I tell him, sounding worried. ‘I can’t find it anywhere.’
‘When did you last have it?’
‘I think it might have been the night we went out for dinner. I haven’t really been using it as much lately, so I didn’t notice until now.’
‘It’s probably somewhere in the house.’
I shake my head. ‘I’ve looked everywhere, and in the car too. I tried calling the restaurant but they haven’t got it either.’
‘Well what about your computer, have you lost that
too? And why haven’t you been answering the house
phone? Apparently, everyone from the school has been trying to get hold of you – Mary, Connie, John. At first they thought we must have gone away on a last-minute holiday but when you didn’t turn up for the meeting today Mary thought she’d better come round and check that everything was all right.’
234
b a paris
‘It’s the pills,’ I mumble. ‘They knock me out.’
‘Then we’d better ask Dr Deakin to reduce the dose.’
‘No.’ I shake my head. ‘I don’t want to.’
‘If you’re capable of ordering things from a magazine, you’re capable of getting back to your colleagues, especially your boss. Mary was very understanding but she must be angry.’
‘Stop going on at me!’
‘Going on at you? I’ve just saved your skin, Cass!’
Knowing he’s right, I back off. ‘What did Mary say?’
He retrieves his bottle of beer from where he left it on the counter. ‘There wasn’t much she could say. I told her that you’d had a few health problems over the summer and that you were taking medication and she wasn’t altogether surprised. Apparently, she was worried about you last term.’
‘Oh,’ I say, deflated.
‘She didn’t say anything at the time because she
thought it was just fatigue making you forgetful and that you’d be all right after the summer break.’
I give a hollow laugh. ‘She’s probably relieved I’m not going back then,’ I say, mortified that Mary had noticed my memory lapses.
‘On the contrary, she said they would miss you and
to let her know as soon as you feel up to going back.’
‘That was nice of her,’ I say, feeling guilty.
‘Everybody’s rooting for you, Cass. We all want you to get better.’
Tears blur my eyes. ‘I know.’
The Breakdown
235
‘You’ll have to get a medical certificate from Dr
Deakin.’
‘Could you ask him?’
I feel his eyes on me. ‘All right.’
‘And could you take me to the supermarket? I don’t
want to drive while I’m on the pills and we need food.’
‘Do the pills really affect you that much?’
I hesitate, because if I tell him that they do, he might ask Dr Deakin to reduce the dose.
‘I’d rather not risk driving, that’s all.’
‘Fair enough. We’ll go tomorrow.’
‘You don’t mind?’
‘Of course I don’t mind. Anything I can do to make
your life easier, tell me and I’ll do it.’
‘I know,’ I say gratefully. ‘I know.’
TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 1st