My mind is a fog of unseen landscape. I can feel the terrain all around me, but as ever, I can’t see it. I look up at Dash, the heavy breathing, the glazed eyes, the stark face, and I realize: he wants me. Dash…he wants me physically. When he’s saying that he’s drunk…I think he’s implying that he can’t resist me. Suddenly, I’m giggling. I tuck my head against his chest and laugh and laugh.
“Oh God…” One of my arms is wrapped around his side. Tremors rack my body. “You’re not lying?” I pant.
He blinks. “No.”
I’m shaking so hard now my teeth are almost chattering: pure adrenaline. “For real?”
Dash’s eyes shut as his palm pushes my hair off my forehead. “I’m surprised you’re surprised,” he says softly. “I worried it was obvious a couple times before I left.”
“Last summer?” I laugh. “It wasn’t. And…you never called…”
“I’m sorry.”
“I just don’t get it.”
His eyes blink open. “You’re my little sister’s best friend, and I think about you all the time. If I had called, I would have begged you to come see me. You’re not even sixteen.” He runs a hand back through his hair, wobbling a little, and I think for the first time that he does seem pretty drunk. “Damnit, Am, there’s something wrong with me.”
I shake my head. “I feel the same way—about you,” I whisper fervently. “I have forever.”
“If I’d come home, I would have kept you on the roof with me all fucking night. Doing things like this…” He presses his lips against my temple. When he pulls away, his eyes are heavy-lidded. “I shouldn’t, but...”
His lips possess my own, making my legs quiver as I try to kiss him back. I feel young and pale and insubstantial, so different from Dash with his searing heat and firm body. His tongue glides into my mouth. The air around us throbs as I cling to his neck and Dash’s hand strokes up my side.
“Everything you say…” he breathes between kisses. “I like you too much. Being away…” His mouth is hard, demanding, hungry. “Being away and seeing you tonight. Fuck me, Ammy, I came hoping I might see you.”
He stops kissing me, presses my cheek against his chest, where I hear his heartbeat through the cotton of his t-shirt. “This is bad,” he says, breathless.
“Because how old I am?”
“You have to go.” He lets me go, then shoves me lightly toward the pebble path. “Go back, Amelia. Just forget about this shit.”
“No way. I can’t.”
His jaw is clenched. Shadows flicker on his face as he turns toward the water, takes a few steps, folds his arms, and, with his eyes averted, turns back toward the rocks and strides to sit down on the largest boulder. From my angle, off to his left side, I watch his shoulders rise and fall. I move closer, and Dash puts a hand over his face. “I’ve been drinking all damn day. I don’t even know what I’m saying.”
“Don’t do that. I’ll never believe you now.”
His eyes are on mine, furious and hot. “You’ll believe what I tell you to, Amelia.”
“No I won’t. You can’t tell me this stuff and then say forget.” I snap my fingers. “You’re drunk, but I believe you. What are you so scared of? I won’t tell. Is that the problem? If it is, I won’t tell anybody.”
I kneel in the sand in front of him, summoning the nerve to touch his knee. My hand on him must bring him around. I see his body settle, shoulders relaxing as he blinks over my shoulder, then dares move his gaze to mine. His eyes are earnest and intense. “Do you promise?”
“Yes. Of course. I just want you to be happy.” I stand in front of him, then reach my shaking hand for his.
Dash closes his hand around mine.
“What would make you happy, Ammy?” he asks quietly.
“If you kiss me.” I can barely get the whispered words past my tight throat. I’m still waiting for the ricochet when Dash’s body folds around mine. Then we’re on the sand, our bodies moving fast and urgent, slow and sweet and heady as the fog around us.
“Don’t let me hurt you, Am,” he bites out.
“You’re…not...”
We kiss until I can’t breathe, then we pull apart, our sweaty limbs a tangle, my face over his. Beneath my belly, Dash’s chest rises and falls in frenzy. “I thought…if I didn’t drink,” he pants, “I’d come after you for sure.”
“But when I saw you, you had…”
He shakes his head. “Couldn’t.” He rests his forehead against my cheek. “Am.” His lips press gently on my chin. “Why did this happen?”
“I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.” I kiss his forehead. “I’ve felt this way since the tree. Remember, the one where we’d leave each other poems and sketches?”
“Of course.”
I run my hand along his chest. “I love to touch you.”
“Don’t say that.”
I slide a hand under his shirt, and Dash moans. “Am…”
“I want to hear what happened at college,” I murmur. “Tell me everything I missed.” I kiss his ear, and Dash’s body jerks beneath mine.
“Please…”
“Please what?” My throat feels full of my heart. I’m surprised I can even speak, yet here I am, rubbing Dash’s chest as his hand squeezes my hip.
“Please don’t…do this to me.”
Pleasure spreads all through me, ancient satisfaction—power. “I’m doing something to you?”
“Yes. Fuck.”
He tries to sit up, but I wrap myself around him. I’m on top of him and it feels perfect. “I just want to hug you…”
Dash groans again, and my pulse races. I can make him groan, and that’s not all. I still feel him pressed against my inner thigh as I straddle him.
Unable to stop myself, I rock my hips a little. Dash’s body stiffens. “Am…”
“I’m sorry.”
“Fuck.”
“Do you want me to move?”
“No. Yes.”
But I can see the truth. “You don’t,” I whisper.
His eyes open, drunk and glazed. “Of course not.” He pushes up on his elbows. “But Ammy, you’re so young. And I’m…not good.” This time, he wraps his hands around my hips and sets me on the sand beside him. He sits fully up, leaning on his arms as he stares out at the lake. “Even if we both want it, I can’t.”
“But why?” Tears fill my eyes. My heart aches and my soul screams in a primal tantrum. “I’ll never tell, I swear. I love you so much, Dash, I always have. You know I have!”
Dash’s body folds around me, his arms around my shoulders, his mouth near my ear. “I know you wouldn’t, Am. I know.” His finger wipes a stray tear off my cheek. Then he has my hands and he is pulling me up. “Come here.” His big arm goes around my waist. “Walk with me. Let’s walk down the beach, and we can talk.”
“I don’t want to walk,” I sniffle.
“Yes you do.” He pulls me closer. “You missed me. You told me so.” He gives me a slow, sweet smile and I am helpless. Just as helpless as I’ve ever been near him.
We walk along the shore, moving farther from the lake house. My stomach flip-flops as he moves his arm from around my waist and takes my hand. He looks into my eyes. “I’m sorry for this, Ammy. Please believe me when I say I didn’t tell you all that shit to make you sad.”
“Will you talk to me?” My voice is thick with tears. “I want to hear more about…” I swallow. “How long are you in town?”