My whole life could open up, and it could go in a million different amazing or horrible directions, but I don’t know. I don’t know which way to turn. My mother says I’m the one to determine my tomorrows, but that seems like too much. Too much power. Too much control. This life is too wild for me to have any say. This life is too strange, too wonderful and horrible. It’s too much all at once, sometimes.
I did make a mistake—a grave one—during my junior year of high school, one that has followed me for months, and one that might very well follow me the rest of my life. I trusted someone with some personal information, and he proceeded to share this information with the world. Soon after, I discovered some truths about my family, deep, dark secrets that made me question who I am, where I come from, what I am made of. But that is all I want to say about both debacles.
That being said, I’ve learned so very much because of it. For a while, I thought I’d never trust anyone again. But I will. I already do. There’s definitely one person in this world I know I can count on. She’s there in the mirror. And if I listen to my heart, if I trust in that voice that sits deep in my soul, that untouched being of truth—I know it’s there—I will discover the answers eventually. Maybe not immediately. Maybe not tomorrow. But if I don’t open myself to possibility, I’ll never know what it means to have lived. I’ll never know what it means to have loved.
I refuse to live like those who have betrayed me. I refuse to succumb to bitterness and fear. I refuse to waste any more of my precious time waiting for some semblance of a life. I will live this life the only way I know how. With love at its core. With love in my heart.
The rest will be made real in time.
The rains finally let up and the next few days are sunny and hot and humid; it’s August in full force. Sammie’s mom announces that she’s secured a new job and a new apartment, and they start to pack. I don’t stay over there anymore since I’m happy to be home, finally, but I do spend evenings up at their place, partly so I can help, partly so I can get in as much time with Sammie as possible. School doesn’t start until after Labor Day, in September, but the date weighs heavily on me. I don’t want her to move.
Mila’s grumpy because our dad’s gone again. My mom has a long talk with her. She doesn’t tell her why Dad’s left, but she promises that he’ll be back, and while it’s not the complete truth, it’s enough for Mila right now. Eventually, we’ll have to tell her everything. Eventually, she’ll have to know.
I don’t see Evan all weekend. He’s not at work—apparently, he called in sick, and Sammie hasn’t heard anything else from Virgo about the picture.
“I can’t delete my past,” I say to Sammie one night as we’re packing up her stuff. “He either accepts me for who I am—nudie pic and all—or he doesn’t, and then I don’t need him in my life.”
“It’s glad to see you finally owning it,” Sammie says, laughing. “Nudie pic and all. That’s awesome.”
“What else am I going to do?” I say. “I can’t lie about it. This is who I am. Who I was. It’ll always be a part of me.”
I say it like I mean it, but the reality is, I’m nervous about seeing Evan. Virgo hasn’t said anything to me, and he’s treating me like normal, which is reassuring, but I don’t have a complicated relationship with Virgo. He’s my boss and my friend. That’s it. I haven’t kissed him three times and then promptly showed him my crazy.
Evan’s back at work on Tuesday, but I hardly see him. The sun and high temperatures have seemingly brought the entire Bennett Village out to the pool, as though every single family with all of their kids and extended families is here, like they’ve all skipped work and camp to come swim. Virgo orders two guards on deck at a time, which means Evan’s doing double shifts.
At the end of the day, he comes into the office, sees me, says an awkward hello, and then grabs his guitar and leaves.
“Well,” I say to Sammie later. “He’s one for the history books. So much for friendship. I guess I am on my own this year.”
She crawls onto her bed. “I’m sorry I’m leaving.”
“Would you stop apologizing?” I sit down next to her. “It’s not your fault.”
“What are you going to do without me?” Sammie says it with a laugh, but I know the question is real.
“I’m less worried about myself and more worried about the Drama Department. Who’s going to be their lead this year? Have you told them you’re not going back?”
“Don’t remind me. It’s the only reason I’ve decided to enroll at the school in Morton Grove. Well, that and the fact that my mom and I negotiated that I could have my Instagram account back after she saw that all my photos really were about fashion.”
“No GED?”
“Nah. My mom convinced me to give it a few months, and if I don’t like it, I can try for my certificate.”
“Good.”
“Why good?”
“I’d miss seeing you onstage.”
“What about you?” Sammie says. “What’s your plan for survival this year?”
I shrug. “Join the Olympiads. Take Physics Two. Learn coding so I can avoid any future online scandals. Embrace the reality that I like my science classes, even though it’s something that would please my dad.”
“Ha. As long as you don’t stress too much about it.”
“I’m going to try not to.”