“Okay, what’s going on?”
Normally when my mom says that Mila needs to give us time so we can have an “adult conversation,” my sister whines and complains, but this time, she’s allowed my mom to usher her into the living room without issue. Except for that one time in the hospital, Mila hasn’t seen me in the middle of a full-blown Episode. I guess this one was enough to scare her away.
My mom presses an ice pack onto my forehead. “Come on, Viviana.”
My heart’s still racing from the Episode, and it gets worse when I think about asking my mom for the truth.
“Talk to me. I’m your mother.”
I sit up and take a deep breath. “Do you know someone named Paige Griffin?”
My mom lets go of the ice pack and it drops on my chest.
“Oh no.”
I sink back down into my bed. “So you know?”
She drops her head and nods.
“For how long?”
She motions for me to move over in my bed, and then she sits next to me, pulls the blanket over her chest. “A few years only. But—” Her voice drops to a whisper. “Yes, I’ve known for a while.”
“How did you— Why did you stay with him?”
“You have to understand,” she says. “I’ve only kissed one other human being. I’ve only been with one other human being. I’ve only loved one other human being: him. I’ve been honest and pure with my love for him.”
“Ella was already born when you got together with him?”
She motions to Mila on the other side of the wall and shushes me to speak more quietly before she answers. “You mean when I fell in love with him? Yes. He was a graduate student and married and already had a child. But Ella does not belong to Paige. She is from his first arrangement.
“But I didn’t know that. I didn’t know anything about Ella or his other life. I knew that my parents had left for Israel and I was alone and in love with a man who promised to take care of me for the rest of my life. And he did. Your father did that for me.”
“So you’ve stayed with him because of me? Because of Mila?”
My mom smiles softly. “No. I’ve stayed with him because I loved him.” She wipes away tears from the corners of her eyes. “And, well, because right after I found out—first about Ella, then about this third woman, Paige—I followed them to the playground—” She’s struggling to get out the words. “I saw her, kissing him, and his babies, younger than Mila—and then I got so sick—”
“Oh, Mama. I didn’t realize—” I’m crying now, choking on my tears.
She looks up at me and smiles again, wipes the tears from my face. “How were you supposed to realize? You’re a child.”
“Mama. I’m not. Not anymore. You can talk to me about these things.” I wipe my face and catch my breath. “Is that why you didn’t leave?”
“I suppose so, yes. First, I was worried about leaving you completely alone. Then I was too sick to leave. But also, to be perfectly honest, I thought that any other life would have broken you and Mila for good. I thought that if I walked away from this life, I’d destroy you forever. That little girl looks at her father and sees him as a god. She sees him as good. You’re old enough to know better, but even you are broken now.” She looks at me. “I thought about leaving—believe me. Especially when I was sick.”
“That’s why you went back to school?”
“And that’s why I kicked him out this year.”
“I thought he left.”
“No,” she says with a quiet laugh. “Not at all.”
“Then why is he back?”
“You haven’t been well,” she says. “I thought you needed your father.”
“Oh, Mama, what am I supposed to do now?” I’m crying again. “How can you expect me to trust anyone? Or Mila? What are we supposed to do?”
“Look.” She grabs a box of Kleenex from my nightstand, hands me a few tissues, and then wipes her eyes. “There are good people in the world. Whoever she grows up to love—whoever you grow up to love—let that person be good to you. You will have to. You will have to trust that person. You will just have to make that choice.”
“Mama”—I take a deep breath—“are you going to leave him?”
She drops her head. “Oh, Viviana. I don’t know. I think I will stay with him until I am finished with my degree, until you are done with college and Mila is old enough to understand a divorce. I think we will stay together for the good of the family.”
“Which family?” I’m instantly sorry for saying it.
“Viviana. Do not be sarcastic. Not about this.”
I sit up. “I’m completely serious. Please don’t stay together for the ‘good of the family.’ That’s not a good reason. Not at all.”
She doesn’t respond to this. She bites her lip and then looks at me.
“Please, Mama. Don’t tell me you stayed for Mila and me. It’s not fair of you to put it on us. We didn’t ask for you to stay.”
“Why do you think I’m in school? Why do you think I’m starting over in the middle of my life? It’s so you and Mila can see that starting over is possible. That life doesn’t end just because your heart is broken.”