When I pulled my truck up to the marina where I kept my boat, I saw Elle’s car. I’d told her I wasn’t in the mood for company tonight, but she hadn’t listened. She rarely did. Maybe what I needed was to let her take my mind off the past.
I’d lived on the boat for most of my adult life. It moved with me, and having it meant I could leave at any time. I liked the freedom it gave me. I had missed it when I was in Texas, my most recent state of residence. Houses brought back bad memories for me. I couldn’t bring myself to stay in a house.
My boat gave me peace.
Stepping inside, I noticed Elle in the small kitchen, fixing sandwiches. When she did stuff like this, I felt guilty for leading her on, if that was what I was doing. She had her issues, but she wasn’t all that bad. When I needed stress relief, she was there. I just didn’t have what she needed emotionally. I wasn’t ever going to want more. I’d never care about her deeply, let alone love her.
Her long brown hair swung over her shoulder as she glanced back at me. Then she smiled. That smile was safe. It didn’t cause painful constrictions in my chest. She didn’t remind me of all I’d lost. She could laugh, and it wouldn’t affect me. Yet another reason I liked Elle.
“I know you said you weren’t in the mood for company, but I figured you needed to eat, and I was hungry, so I fixed us some sandwiches. We can eat together, at least. Then I’ll leave.”
She knew she wasn’t leaving as well as I did. But I just nodded and walked over to the fridge to grab a beer. “You want something?” I asked.
“A beer is good,” she replied, a little too happily. She knew she’d won. I was too tired to care.
I took two beers and put hers on the counter before picking up my sandwich. It was the bigger of the two. She rarely ate large portions. I doubted she’d eat half of the sandwich she’d fixed for herself.
Taking a bite, I leaned back and watched the black waves outside. It was calm tonight. No wind to make things rough.
“You don’t want to sit?” she asked, breaking into my thoughts.
I shook my head and took another bite.
“You seem tense today. Like you’re ready to explode at any moment.”
She watched me too closely. If she connected my mood to Rose, things would get ugly. Yet another reason to distance myself from Rose.
You’re protecting her. Just like Addy.
The thought was there before I could push it away. It was the truth, of course. I was protecting Rose. Simply because her laugh reminded me of Addy. I could lie to myself and say I was intrigued by her because she was a single mom and a hard worker. But that wasn’t it. I knew it wasn’t.
“Closer we get to the opening, the more tense I get. Gonna have to deal with it,” I replied without emotion.
I could see Elle playing with her sandwich instead of eating it. She wanted more from me. I’d known the day would come when she would push for more. It always did. And I always sent them on their way. More wasn’t me.
“I wish you’d open up to me. I’m here to listen to you. I care about you. I thought we were getting closer. Just yesterday, in your office . . .”
“We fucked, Elle. That’s all it was. A fuck. I told you in the beginning, I just fuck, babe. You want closer, you’re with the wrong guy.”
My words were cold, but that was me. She needed to hear it.
“You’re not the hard, untouchable guy you want me to believe you are. I’ve seen you let your guard down. So is it just me? Is that it? You don’t want me?”
This was the moment. I could hurt her and lie, say yes, and send her on her way. But she was my head server. I didn’t love her, but I wasn’t going to be cruel, either.
“It’s not you,” I bit out. I wasn’t going to share a piece of myself or my past. However, she needed to understand that I was not the guy she was looking for. “Gave my heart away a long time ago.”
I heard her quick intake of breath. She hadn’t been expecting that.
Taking another bite of my sandwich, I reached for my beer and shoved off from the counter. I needed distance from Elle. From everyone.
“Are you saying you’re in love with someone else?”
It was more than that, but I just gave a nod and drank my beer.
“Who? Where is she?” Elle asked, her voice rising just enough to let me know she was pissed.
“Not talking about it.”
“You’re not talking about it?” she all but screamed behind me. “We’ve been fucking, as you call it, for weeks, and you left out the fact that you were in love with someone else? What are we doing, then? Huh?”
“Fucking,” I replied.
“You’re a . . . you’re a . . . ugh! I can’t believe I—” She stopped and let out a growl, then headed for the door. “I won’t be used,” she said, just as she was about to leave.
“Good,” was my only response. She shouldn’t allow herself to be used.
“That’s all you’re going to say? Seriously?”