The Art of Not Breathing

There’s desperation in his voice. He shakes me and runs his eyes all over me, taking in my wet hair, my exhaustion. Before I can respond, Mick opens the passenger door and tells my father to let go of me.

I watch my father’s face morph from anger into the beginnings of rage.

“You!” he bellows at Mick. He moves his face so close to Mick’s that I think he’s going to punch him. “How dare you come to my house after everything you’ve done?”

Mick steps back and holds his hands out to my father the way you would to an angry, barking dog.

“Trust me, the last thing I wanted to do was come here, but your daughter nearly drowned, and I wanted to make sure there was someone here to look after her.”

“You mean you hoped that my wife would be here. You sick, sick man.”

“You knew about Mum and him?”

My father ignores me and carries on shouting at Mick. Danny is still in the car, hands fixed on the steering wheel like he might just drive away.

“Please, Colin. This isn’t about Celia. That’s been over for a long time. This is about Elsie and what’s best for her.”

“I don’t need you to tell me what’s best for my daughter. You have no idea about my family.”

“Oh, really? So, I have no idea that Elsie spends most of her days down at the Black Fin because she can’t bear to be at home?”

“Let’s go inside, Dad,” I say, trying to drag him through the gate before Mick can divulge any more of my secrets.

“You go,” he replies. “I’ll be just in.”

But I don’t move.

“It’s not enough that you tried to steal my wife. Now you want my daughter, too?”

“You are a poor excuse for a father, and a poor excuse for a man. God knows why Celia chose you.”

“Don’t talk to him like that!” I scream at Mick. “Don’t you get it that my family is only this messed up because of you? If you hadn’t been at the Point with my mum that day, Eddie might still be here. And if Danny hadn’t trashed his bike, things might have been different—Tay wouldn’t have gone and I would have found out what happened to Eddie back then. This is your fault. And his fault.”

I point to Danny, and he looks at me through the car window, his face all shadowy through the glass. He shakes his head as if to warm me not to say anything else, but it’s too late. Mick bangs on the car door and asks him to get out.

“What is this about, Danny? I thought your bike was stolen. I thought Tay stole your bike.”

So many lies have been told.

“Tell them, Danny,” I say. “You might as well tell the truth now, because I’m going straight to the police.”

“I’m done talking about it,” Danny says.

“How can you be done talking when you’ve never said a single word?”

“I do talk about it. I talk to myself about it every single day. Don’t you think I wish I’d never followed my dad to the Point that day? That I hadn’t wrecked my bike?”

“Danny, what does she mean?” Mick says. “Tay’s dad found your bike in his garage. When did you follow me?”

Danny crumples and then lets it all out.

“Tay didn’t steal my bike,” Danny says. “I smashed it up after I followed you to the Point and saw you with that woman. I blackmailed Tay. I told him that he had to take the blame for stealing it or I’d tell everyone what he did.”

“Who’s Tay?” my dad asks. “What’s this got to do with anything?”

“What did Tay do?” Mick asks, his face pale, his jaw quivering.

Danny splutters. “Tay didn’t do anything,” he says. “He was trying to help.”

“You got Tay sent away!” I yell. Mick holds me back from launching into Danny. “I knew he was protecting you. We could have found out what happened if it wasn’t for you and your lies. You’re scum, and I hope you rot in hell.”

My father explodes. “Will someone please tell me what happened?”

He stands completely still with his hand over his mouth while Danny talks. When Danny gets to the bit about Dillon running off alone, my dad’s whole body shudders.

“Why didn’t you tell anyone what actually happened?” Mick asks.

“Because I was a stupid kid,” he says. “I didn’t want you to know that I’d followed you. I thought you’d stop me coming to stay if you found out. Because I felt guilty about breaking my new bike when I knew it was expensive. Because I didn’t want to believe any of it. The little boy. You and that woman.”

A gust of wind blows over us, and I long to get inside and dry. I want to lie down and never get up. In the distance there’s a siren. We all hear it.

“Don’t call the police, Elsie. They were just kids,” Mick says.

But I already know that I’m not going to. Tay and Danny are not to blame—I’m the reason Eddie died. Blood rushes to my head, and I stagger into my dad as I faint.





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