“Another time!” I shout back as I start for home, my thoughts racing. Tay wants to spend the day with me.
The house is empty when I get back. In the shower I lather myself in lime and tea tree oil shower gel, and let the cool water cleanse every inch of me. I shake the new memory from my head and instead concentrate on how good the water felt before I saw the shoe. I pretend I’m falling down a waterfall, imagining my hair fanning out the way Lila Sinclair’s does in that poster at the clubhouse. I imagine Tay’s arms around me as I lean back into him. I think about the water on his eyelashes, and the way he shakes his hair off his face. By the time I get out of the shower, my fingers are wrinkly but my skin is glowing and tingling.
9
IT’S NOT UNTIL I HEAR THE ENTIRE ENGLISH CLASS SNIGGERING that I realize I’ve been asked a question by Mrs. McIntyre. There’s no way I can fake the answer: I switched off as soon as we entered the classroom. I decide to be honest. I use my mother’s technique.
“Sorry, I was miles away. Can you say that again?” I wave my hand from side to side as an apology and give a little smile.
There’s more cackling, and someone to my left slides a piece of paper in front of me with something scribbled on it. I scrunch it up and shove it in my pocket. McIntyre isn’t amused. I get my second detention of the week for not listening.
As I leave the classroom, Lara taps me on the shoulder.
“Why didn’t you read my note? It had the answer on it.”
Before I can answer, she’s pulled away by a blond frizzy-haired girl, another one of Ailsa Fitzgerald’s sidekicks. “Don’t bother trying to help her,” whispers the sidekick. “She’s such a loser.” The girl steps toward me and I feel a sharp jab in my side. She flashes her geometry-class compass at me as she strides off, dragging Lara with her. Blood oozes through my white school shirt and makes a dark stain on the inside of my blazer. I press the wound with my thumb to stop the sting and the flow of blood. On the way home I’ll swing by the Co-op to get some stain remover, but I’ll have to wait until that busybody Mrs. Harys has finished her shift. She watches too closely, and she does the head-tilting thing and says my name loudly in front of all the customers, which results in more head tilting.
I feel for the screwed-up paper ball in my pocket and open it up. “Soliloquy” it says in Lara’s neat, round writing. I drop it on the floor and remind myself that aside from a few revision classes, lessons are nearly over for the summer. Just exams to get through now, and at least compasses are banned in most exams.
At lunchtime I walk to the back of the school field so I can smoke. Lara is sitting down in my space cross-legged on her coat, which has a red satin lining. I start to move away to find a new spot, but she calls me over.
“I don’t know where Dillon is,” I say.
“He’s in the library.”
“Oh. Then what do you want?”
I wonder if Dillon has dumped her, but she doesn’t look upset. I can’t help looking at her chest—her blouse is open enough for me to see the curve of her perfect cleavage. She folds her arms.
“Can I have a cigarette?” she asks. It sounds odd, like she’s saying the word for the first time.
“Sure,” I say. I suddenly feel cool, more grown-up than her.
She makes space for me on her coat, but I lay my own out and sit next to her, leaving a sliver of grass between us. As we smoke, I pluck strands of grass from the ground and sprinkle the little green pieces on my coat. She does the same, but hers are in neat little piles and mine are spread everywhere.
“I know you watch us,” she says. She stares straight ahead.
“I don’t know what you mean,” I say, feeling my palms sweat.
She turns to me. “I don’t mind. You can watch if you want.”
I think about Dillon’s shallow breathing. I think about how I watched them at the party.
“You know there’re places you can go if you’re into that sort of thing,” I say, lifting my head slowly.
“I’m not!”
“Yeah, loads of places—Dillon told me about them. I’m surprised he hasn’t taken you there yet. He takes all his girlfriends to the woods on the other side.” I smile to myself as she squirms beside me.
She asks me if I’ve been to the other side, and I tell her no. She asks if I’ve ever had sex, and I tell her yes.
Lara hugs me, pushing her small, perfect breasts against me. When she lets go, she says she won’t tell anyone. About what? I want to ask.
10
“I LOVE THE RAIN,” TAY SAYS, BREATHING OUT SMOKE.
“I wish it would stop raining,” I say, reaching for the joint. “Then we could go out on the boat.”
“Soon,” he says. “Maybe tomorrow.”
He rolls over and props himself up on his elbow—his face is inches from mine. He holds his cigarette out to the side so as not to cloud me in smoke.