Then there’s a silence in my head, a quiet that seems to grow and grow, and I let the current take me. My body wavers gently like a stray piece of seaweed floating out into the unknown.
There’s a flash like a light bulb exploding, and boom, I’m back there on the day Eddie went missing, searching for him, the icy water nearly up to my waist. Dillon’s frantically swimming back toward the shore. Then he gets to his feet and wades in my direction, his cheeks bright red with exertion as he fights against the current. But then I see he’s not looking at me. He’s looking over to his left, past the lighthouse.
“Dillon,” I call. My words are tiny in the huge mass of water.
“Dillon, he’s over here, this way.” I point to the water, right where Eddie was standing.
“Not now, Els,” he calls back. He pushes hard against the breaking waves with his thighs. What can he see? Is Eddie over there?
“Can you see him?” I shout, moving toward Dillon. The waves knock me about.
“I’ve got to find her. Did you see her?”
“What? Dillon, is Eddie there?” I ask again.
Dillon turns to me, breathing hard. He stops and scans the water. Then he scans the beach.
“Where’s Eddie?” he asks urgently.
I point to the water, and the color drains from his cheeks. He dives straight toward me and thrashes about. Our arms and legs tangle as we both plunge down trying to find Eddie. I can’t stay down for long. When I come up for air, I’m alone. I search the surface of the water, and then I search the beach. Dad isn’t where we left him. There are a few people clustered near the lighthouse looking out at the dolphins, but he isn’t one of them. I call for him. I call for help.
“Drag her in,” I hear. It’s Danny’s voice. And Tay is saying, “It’s okay, we’ve got you.” There’s an arm around me, someone’s cheek against mine, their breath in my ear. Another flash of an image—my father running toward me, something blue in his hands.
I open my eyes and see only the sky.
“My legs,” I murmur. I can’t feel them. The pebbles rotate underneath my spine as the boys drag me up onto the beach. Dried, spiky seaweed digs into my head when they lay me on the ground. I shiver violently.
I’m on fire.
16
INSIDE THE CLUBHOUSE, WE SIT AROUND THE TABLE BY THE FIRE. My skin is hot, but I keep shivering. Mick brings a blanket and drapes it across my shoulders. A steaming cup of hot chocolate is on the table just in front of me, but I’m too tired to reach for it. The boys are quiet, muttering among themselves, glancing at me.
“How long was I under for?” I ask, looking at no one.
It’s Tay who answers. He coughs first. “Not long. Maybe ten, fifteen seconds. We got to you quite quickly.”
I look at him and he’s frowning. I’m taken aback by his answer; it felt like so much longer. Just like when Eddie went down and the seconds seemed to slow to minutes, and the minutes felt like hours.
Danny pokes a white contraption in my ear, and it makes a beeping sound. I flinch.
“Relax,” he says briskly. “I’m just taking your temperature.”
Tay watches me the whole time.
“You’ll be okay.” Danny scrapes his chair back, and the noise makes my teeth tingle. “You haven’t got hypothermia. Where do you live? I’ll drive you home.”
My mouth is still not working, my jaw feels numb, and I can’t form the words.
“McKellen Drive,” Mick says. “The house by the cemetery.”
My body slumps down in the chair, and a feeling of dread passes over me. I have been stupid to think that Mick doesn’t know who I am. Everyone knows who the Mains are. Our house was on the local news during the search for Eddie. My face, too—my parents gave the police the first photo of Eddie they could find. It was a slightly out-of-focus picture of the two of us on the beach, my arm around him, Eddie holding a pebble out to the camera, grinning with his wonky smile, his face ghostly white in the overexposure. At first they showed the full picture on the news, but after a few days they cut me out. All that was left of me were my fingers, pressed tightly into Eddie’s arm.
I see a flicker of fear in Danny’s eyes. He storms over to the bar and rubs his face, as though he’s trying to work out what to do. I’m confused. Most people go quiet when they realize who I am, but then they’re immediately nice to me, as though I might break if they raise their voices. They don’t usually seem afraid or angry.
I want to close my eyes and disappear, but I can’t help glancing at Tay. His mouth is slightly open, like he’s thinking too hard. He can’t possibly know. He wasn’t even here when it happened. Or was he? Danny marches back over to us and grabs my arm. It hurts, but I don’t say anything. I guess he’s just annoyed that he’s got to deal with me.
“Come on, Elsie,” Danny says. “I’ll drive you home.”
“I’ll come with you.” Tay stands and moves around the table, but Danny pushes his palm firmly into Tay’s chest.
“You’ve done enough damage.”