I held back on saying exactly what I thought of her mother and recited the national anthem in my head for different reasons. Turns out it kind of worked as a filter between my shitty temper and my big mouth. “Did she say why she acted the way she did for all those years?” I asked. In my mind, there was no reason on earth she could have for doing what she did to Em.
“She said that when Dad died, Frank was a shoulder to cry on. When she couldn’t find a way back from the depression he gave her something to take. Instantly it made everything, all the pain and grief, go away until she felt nothing at all. I guess eventually she became dependent on whatever he was supplying to keep her like a zombie. Once she was hooked, he convinced her to give up work and live off Dad’s life insurance money, and he moved in. The rest is history.”
“So Frank’s wife thinks, by telling you this, all will be forgiven, and she gets to be a mother again. I must have missed the part of that story which didn’t make her sound like a selfish bitch.” Shit. I needed to start singing the fucking national anthem again. My brain to mouth filter was broken. She shrugged, and I knew she was fighting the urge to defend her mum. It’s what I always did whenever anyone attacked her. Even if they were right.
“I didn’t know what to say to her either. She’s told me that she’s clean of whatever Frank was giving her now.”
“Put her in a room with my ma,” I told her. “They can have a pity party together.”
“It is true that we are the awesome product of really shitty stock. Well, half shitty. My dad was pretty amazing. He’d have loved you!”
“Really?” I asked sarcastically. “I hate to break it to you, Sunshine, because I know you love your dad. But I reckon I’m pretty much the embodiment of every father’s worst nightmare.”
She stopped dead in the street, across the road from the block of flats, and turned to me. “You saw me when very few people in this world did. You took care of me, protected me, and made me happy. You waited until I was ready for you. Well sort of, and you never pushed me into being something I’m not. You love me more than anyone else in the world, and you became a better man for it. What more could any man ever want for his daughter? I love you. Dad would have loved you, and if you ever think anything else, you’re an idiot.”
I smiled from ear to ear. This girl saw me with blinkers on her eyes. She was totally blind to the fact that any father would look at my tattoos, listen to me speak, and hear what I did for a living and wonder what he’d done that was so wrong that his daughter would pick this loser. It didn’t matter if that’s exactly what he would have thought though because she would have picked me anyway. Sunshine loved me forever and, whether or not I deserved that love, I never doubted it.
“Love, I’m your husband which pretty much means that the need to protect you is programmed into my DNA. Your mum hurt you badly, so it’s only natural that I want to protect you from that. But that don’t necessarily mean I’m right. If you think that building a relationship with your ma will make you happy, then I’ll be right behind you. I won’t be fucking happy if she hurts you again, but I’ll support you in whatever you decide. I’ll even try and be nice to her if you want me to.”
“Really?” she asked, her eyebrow raised in surprise.
“Hey, I can do nice!” I said, with a mock wounded expression. “And if I can’t be nice, I’ll be quiet,” I added as an afterthought.
“You don’t think there’s any chance of making up with your mum then? Even if she quits drinking,” she asked.
“Baby, that ship sailed the minute she tried to turn you against me. It’s nothing to do with the drinking. I’ve lost track of the number of treatment programs and detox centers that I’ve gotten her into and she never saw them through, even when she showed up at all. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. She’s an addict, but that didn’t change the fact that she’s me ma and I loved her. But when she tried to take you from me, I knew for sure that she never loved me back.
“And you’re okay with that?” she asked.
“I found someone who puts me first and loves me with all her heart. I gained more than I lost,” I replied. “Sylvia only wanted to be a part of my life as long as she had something to gain from it. Your ma is telling you that she just wants to get to know you. Give it some time. She’ll either prove herself or condemn herself. Either way, you’ll never look back and wonder ‘what if.’”
*
Closing the door behind me, I turned her shoulders and walked her toward the bathroom.
“Come on. I’ll run you a nice, hot bath. With candles and that foamy shit you like.” She nodded and gave me a small, sad smile.
“You okay? I haven’t really asked how you’re doing with all this court stuff.”
“It’s been a rough couple of days. The court stuff’s been mostly procedural so far. It’s going to get rough when it comes to giving evidence because the defense will get to cross-examine me.”