“I love you.”
Sadness lifts from my very soul at her proclamation and the absolute devotion swimming in her eyes. She loves me? How? How can she possibly love me after everything I’ve told her? What kills me…what completely guts me…is the attachment and love she displays for every part of me. All of my flaws. All of my darkness.
She looks at me as if my scars allow her to love me even more.
My voice is gone. Unwilling or unable to reply and return her feelings. Probably both. A knot creeps up my throat because I’m not even sure I have that emotion in me to reciprocate. It died inside me a long time ago and I have nothing more to give her. And fuck! She deserves it. Vi deserves more. So much more.
Instead of watching her loving eyes turn to pain from my silence, I yank her to me, slamming my lips to hers in a hard, all-consuming kiss. It’s all I can give her right now.
My touch. My passion. And even…my pain.
As I hug her body to mine, the silky skin of her back feels foreign as it brushes against my bare wrists.
Scars against flesh.
Hearts against souls.
And it’s in that one moment that 11:11 ticks by and I physically choose to live in this moment and not wish for another.
If only it didn’t all make me feel so wrecked.
EVERYTHING IN NUMBERS
I glance outside my patio door to see Hayden leaning over the railing. His head hanging, his posture sagging. I turn to the clock.
11:11
I watch him carefully and can tell he’s doing his ritual. As much as I wish it didn’t, it feels like a personal strike to my heart. Last night was so tender, so meaningful, so completely intimate.
And then it wasn’t.
He held me afterward and asked me if I would be his date for Theo and Leslie’s wedding next weekend. I even laughed when he begged me to wear a red dress. He continued to whisper the most beautiful things in my ear as I drifted off to sleep, but never the three words I wanted to hear most from him.
God, how could I be so stupid? I held him over a barrel last night, asking to see his scars. Then I had to ruin everything by saying I love him. I thought once he opened his cuffs to me, things would change. No more barriers. No more shields. No more rituals. But there he stands, outside my flat, wishing away his past or his current life.
My stomach drops. My only hope is that what I have planned for today could be a turning point for him. If it is, then I’m even hoping he’ll come home with me for family dinner tomorrow night.
“You ready?” I ask as he comes striding in. I paint a happy smile on my face.
It feels forced until his hard grey gaze lifts to mine and his eyes warm with affection. God that smile. It makes me want to forget everything that happened last night and take him to the movies.
“Still not telling me where we’re going?” he asks, sliding his feet into his shoes.
What is it that’s so sexy about a man walking around barefoot in your flat? “It’s a surprise,” I wiggle my eyebrows playfully.
The cab drops us off in front of a familiar building in Notting Hill and Hayden cuts me a skeptical look. “Is Benji pissed again?”
I chuckle. “Nope.”
“Are we here because he wants to re-ignite our love connection?” he asks with a smug tone. “He was a pretty good kisser.”
I giggle and slide my hand into his. “Nope. Just have to trust me!”
We check in with the doorman and head up to the second floor toward Benji’s aunt’s flat. I smirk thinking about how cross Hayden was the night he helped me get Benji home after the gala. So much has changed in so little time.
I knock on the door and Agitha Abernathy opens it, looking a bit more put together than the last time I saw her. She’s a short round woman with ample bosoms concealed beneath a pink sweater set with cream trousers. Her hair is permed and sculpted to the shape of her head, looking as if an entire can of hairspray has set it to be so.
“Aunt Agitha,” I smile broadly. “Vi Harris. Thank you for agreeing to do this!” I reach out and shake her hand. “This is my…boyfriend…Hayden Clarke.” I bite my lip realising that’s the first time I’ve ever referred to Hayden as my boyfriend. The slip wasn’t lost on him either as the corner of his mouth lifts in appreciation.
Her chubby fingers grip Hayden’s large hand. She looks between the two of us. “Glad to see you two figured things out.”
I frown. “What do you mean?” I ask curiously.