“I know what you said,” he says, cutting me off. “What’s going on? Do you really want to kill yourself?”
“Most of the time.” It’s the truth. Now, that I’m here, I might as well face it. I didn’t magically not want to kill myself the moment I stepped into the hospital. Although it seems like trying three times and failing maybe means something, that maybe it was never supposed to happen. If I try a fourth time and fail, what does that say about me? That I’m determined, or just stupid? Did Dean try before and fail? Would he have visited me here, too?
“Okay, now that we have that straight.”
“I don’t want to lie to you anymore,” I say. “I’m tired of lying to everyone.”
“Then don’t,” he says softly. “Talk to me. I’m here. I’ve always been. I always will. Just let me in.”
“You don’t want to be let in.”
“Don’t tell me what I want. I’m your best friend.” He lifts his chin and gestures to himself. “Unload. I can take it.”
Truth bubbles up like acid in my throat. I want to tell him everything, but I could lose him. “I knew about Dean wanting to kill himself.” He doesn’t react to those words like I thought; he’s still leaning in, listening intently. “I knew and I didn’t do anything. I didn’t want him to die, but I felt like if I said something I’d be a hypocrite, because he knew about me, too.” I take a deep breath. “I tried to kill myself with a gun the night you came and got me at Kmart. I blame myself for my sister’s death. My dad and I had a fight and she snuck in the car and I slipped . . . .” Tears start streaming down my cheeks and I wipe them away violently. “I’m in love with Colter, and I hate him, too.”
Jackson wraps me in his arms this time and strokes my head gently.
“I’m sorry,” I say, hugging him tightly. “I’m so sorry.”
“I know you are.”
“I love you, you know.”
“I know,” he says gently. “Me too.”
“Honey? You have another visitor.” Mom says, peeking her head into the room. She sees me in Jackson’s arms and pauses. “I’ll have him wait until you’re finished.”
“It’s okay, Mrs. S. I think we’re good.” Jackson loosens his grip on me and gives me a quick kiss on the cheek. “I brought Colter. You’ll thank me later.”
“But—” He’s gone before I can get out any more words.
Fucking Jackson.
52
Nerves build up in my blood at the mention of his name. Colter’s here and he’s coming in and he betrayed me. How can I love and hate someone so much at the same time?
“She doesn’t want to see me, Gray,” Colter says outside my door.
I lean in to listen better.
“She does. Look, she’s kind of weepy, so go easy on her.”
Weepy? That little shit.
“Does she want to see me?” Colter asks in his pitiful voice. He seems so unsure and it kills me and I want to put him at ease, but I can’t because I hate him too much right now.
“Just go in. She can always kick you out,” Jackson says.
The door squeaks open and I adjust myself on the bed. Should I sit or lie down? I didn’t check my hair. Are there tear streaks down my cheeks?
“Hey,” he says softly. His expression is somber, but I can see he’s trying to look hopeful and sincere through the pain around his eyes. He has a book tucked under his arm.
I want to run to him and wrap my arms around him like I did with Jackson, but I stay on the bed. I don’t say anything as he sits in the chair Jackson vacated. He takes the book out from under his arm and sets it down on the armrest of the chair.
“What book is that?” I ask.
He smiles and I melt. “The Notebook.”
Tears fight to come out of my eyes. “Why would you bring that?”
“I thought I could read it to you.”
A noise comes out of my throat. “I can’t believe you spent money on that.”
He quirks his mouth to the side. “Actually, it’s my mom’s.”
“Your mom has bad taste in books.”
“It’s really not that bad. It has its moments, ya know? Like there’s hope.”
Like there’s hope for us? For me?
He glances around the room and cringes. “I hate hospitals. There’s so much death.”
“I know. It’s so depressing,” I tease.
He gives me his exasperated look, the one I bring out in him, the one someone who loves you can manifest out of nowhere. I’ve seen it several times. He lays the book down on the movable table tray beside him. “I’m sorry.” He shrugs. “I know you must hate me for what I did.”
“You’re right. I do.”
He closes his eyes and leans back in the chair, rubbing his jeans with his palms. “I had no choice. I gave you till Halloween. I kept my word, but you didn’t keep yours. I tried to help you, join you. I just didn’t have anything left to try but this.”
“You betrayed me.”
“I know.” He lifts his chin and scoots forward, resting his elbows on his knees so he’s closer to me. “I would do it again.”