His eyes widen in surprise. “You knew what he wanted to do?”
I nod. “We talked about it—killing ourselves. He didn’t want me to, and I didn’t want him to.” I let out a hopeless laugh. “It’s ironic. That I wanted him to live, but I did nothing to help him. I told no one, and he told no one about me. It was like this secret deal.”
Colter lets go of my shoulders and backs away slowly.
“I drove by his work and house as much as I could. I watched him from afar, but you know what the really fucked up thing is? By the end, I wasn’t sure I was watching him because I was afraid he’d kill himself, or that I was fascinated by the fact that someone else wanted to do it too.” I take another deep breath in. “Do you see what you’ve fallen in love with?”
Before he can stop me, I swing my legs over the bridge’s edge and look down at the rushing water.
“Ellery.” There’s panic and fear in his tone, but I fight to ignore it.
Killing myself is the logical move. I’ve hurt so many people. It’s my fault that no one will ever find out that Dean had a sense of humor, or that he knew a lame joke about ketchup. Or that underneath all that gruffness there was a sweet soul. It’s my fault that I’ll never hear Tate laugh again, that she’ll never meet Colter. She won’t ever get married, or kiss a boy, or graduate, or be Auntie Tate to my kids. She’ll disappear from my memory, slowly at first, like test questions I studied so hard for and knew all the answers, just to forget them the next week. Her hair will fade to gray, then her brown eyes will turn colorless, her smile will blur. She’ll be gone for good.
“No, Colter. This is me. I’m a horrible person.” The cold air circles around us, and the moon is hiding as if it’s ashamed of what I’ve done, too. I rake a hand through my hair to put it back in place. I turn my head and look behind me at him, wavering. “Don’t you get it? I deserve this.”
In one swift movement, Colter swings one leg over the railing and straddles the cement. “Okay, so you want to jump. Then let’s jump.”
My heart stalls and my breath along with it. “Colter, don’t.”
He moves his other leg over and dangles both legs off the edge. “What? I don’t deserve to die? My brother’s death is on my hands. Wouldn’t this make the world right again?” He leans forward and I throw my arm out in front of him.
“Stop it. I know what you’re doing.”
He shakes his head. “How would you feel if I jumped? Right now.”
“I . . . you’re not going to jump.” My breath is back and it’s fast and unpredictable. My whole body fills with a different feeling—fear of losing him, and it’s like I’m watching Tate smash into the windshield in front of me again. A knife is slowly being dragged across the entire surface of my skin. Nothing matters but getting him off this bridge.
“How do you know I won’t?”
“Stop it,” I snap.
“Why, Ellery?” he says in his security officer voice. “Why do I need to stop?” He looks over at me expectantly, holding the railing with both hands lightly, leaning forward.
“Because . . .” I love you and need you and can’t imagine the world without you in it. Because your little brother wouldn’t have you to look up to, and your nieces wouldn’t have you around to teach them how to steal candy. Because being left behind without you would be devastating.
“Because why.” He leans forward more and I panic and scramble off the railing.
“Stop it!” I yell, covering my ears and closing my eyes. I crouch down onto the ground and start naming my states. “Alabama, Alaska.”
Colter’s arms wrap around me and every cell in my body longs for him. He’s broken me in every way, but I love him. “Ellery, I’m sorry. Please. Oh, God.”
I look up into his eyes and fight to control my breathing. “I can’t lose you,” I say.
“Never,” he says, wrapping me in his arms. I fold myself into them as he rocks me gently in the wind.
? ? ?
He pulls up to my house a half hour later and turns off his car. “I think I should stay with you tonight. I can sleep on the floor.”
My body aches to be by his. I let him take me from the bridge, and my mind keeps coming up with reasons to run, but I can’t leave him.
“My mom won’t be home until seven tomorrow. You can sleep with me.”
He leans over and kisses me lightly on the lips. “I talk in my sleep.”
“I kick in mine.”
We get out of the car together and go inside. The air is still charged from our fight, from all the words we said. We left everything on that bridge, and all I want to do is sleep.
48
1 Day After
Morning comes quick. I wake up without Colter’s arms around me and I feel naked and vulnerable, something I haven’t felt in a long time. It’s the day after Halloween, and my plans once again have been foiled. The sun’s rays paint my walls a dull yellow, illuminating the starkness that has become my room. An uneasy feeling makes its way through my body.
I have no plan.