It’s as if there’s this invisible connection pulling me toward him, making me want to change everything I want to do. I have to sever it or I’ll never go through with my plan. I’ve been careless with his heart. Mine can take it, but he’s lost his brother already. I glance behind me, and debate going back and telling him I love him. That if things were different I would be everything he wanted me to be, everything I want to be. He’ll see this is best. Everyone will.
My mom isn’t home when I arrive, and the stairs sink slightly at my hard steps. My room is the same. Empty and bare and cold, like I’ve become while keeping these secrets. I grab the Duran Duran poster and roll it up for Jackson. My calculus book is in my bag. I can give that to Janie later. I have nothing to give to Colter.
You’ve already given him something—your heart.
42
2 Days
Dean’s adorable green eyes stare out from a welcome-mat sized photo beside a fancy bronze coffin at the front of the funeral parlor. Jackson, Colter, and I are standing at the back of the room, adding to the sea of black. Colter and I haven’t said a word to each other since the night at The Beanery. Jackson keeps glancing between us, like we’re broken robots in need of repair.
“What’s going on?” Jackson says with one eyebrow arched at me.
“Don’t,” I say.
Colter raises his eyes to me at my words and the expression in them is anger mixed with despair. I have to look away.
Jackson holds up his palms. “Ooookay.”
Dean’s parents are in the front, fielding relatives and friends of the family. Some other kids from school are here, but not many. I hadn’t planned on Colter meeting my mom for the first time at a funeral, but it was bound to happen sometime. I just wish we were still together. I can’t tell her we’re not. She’ll ask questions, and I just can’t have any more questions in my mind right now. I spot her coming through the door as she’s taking off her fuzzy hat. I watch her so I can memorize her. I watch her when she doesn’t know I am. No matter what’s happened in her life, sincerity flows from her movements. In the way she adjusts her shoes, tucks in her shirt, moves a brown curl out of her face. It runs in her blood. She finishes taking off her coat and carefully hangs it on the small coat rack by the door. She takes a deep breath and rubs her hands on her pants—a nervous habit I recognize in myself. She looks up and I wave her over.
My heart starts this weird stammer, like it just woke up from a yearlong hibernation. Colter’s talking to Jackson and has no idea my mom’s coming. I should warn him.
Mom grabs me in a huge hug and holds me. I want to let go. It feels too real. I don’t want to be in this moment, hugging her at Dean’s funeral.
She lets me go and has that sincere smile on her face. “I’m so sorry. He was so young. I just . . . it doesn’t make any sense.”
Colter and Jackson turn around and see Mom. Jackson bear-hugs her and they exchange how are yous and I’m so sorrys. Jackson tells her why Janie isn’t here—a family trip to her sick grandpa’s.
Colter and I stand awkwardly near each other, still not saying a word. He bites his lip and shoves his hands in his pockets.
“Mom, this is Colter,” I say as Mom turns his way and holds out her arms for a hug.
Colter graciously hugs her back and surprisingly, it doesn’t look awkward at all. She lets him go after a few seconds, but Colter is smiling. “It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Stevens.”
“Please call me Dahlia.”
“I’m sorry we have to meet like this,” he says, running a hand through his hair.
“Me too.” She sighs and I can tell she’s trying to think of something else to say. “You’ll have to come for dinner soon. I make a mean pasta primavera.”
“Um, sure,” he says awkwardly, rocking back on his heels.
“You haven’t made that in months, years even—” I start to say.
“Shhh, he doesn’t know that.”
We smile politely, then like a vacuum, all the smiles and laughs are sucked out of the room as everyone starts taking their seats.
I look around for Jackson and find him sitting and staring at Dean’s casket with glossed-over eyes, his hands neatly in his lap. I take a seat beside him, my mom sits on my other side. Colter sits next to Jackson.
The pastor of Dean’s church stands up at a podium and fidgets with his Bible. “It’s hard to make sense of what happens in this earthly world to make someone want to leave it. Dean was a child of God, and although his exit was premature, he is with his heavenly father now.” The pastor steps down after saying a few more religious things about heaven and God’s path.